Notes to Your Pets

Dearest Orson,

The toilette is not your personal drinking fountain,
I am tired of sitting down to your drippings on the seat.

Also please remember who paid for the furniture.
We don't mind you using it, but can you STOP trying
to force us into getting up so you may lay down?

Yours truly,
non furry mom.

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Darling Phoebe,

Keep being you.

Love,
non furry mom

Attention to the whole pack:

I will return home! There is no need to worry.....

Mom

Dear Romeo,

Leave my panties alone! its really hard to have to explain to guests why my thongs are scattered around the living room
Oh and please keep your "red rocket" under control.. its gross.

Thanks,
Mom


Dear kenya,
Its a sliding glass door.. check before your run full speed into it

Love,
Mom

Dear Xena,

Just because I've gotten up from my chair doesn't mean I don't intend to return. I appreciate you keeping my spot warm for me, but could you wait until I've stepped more than 3.5 inches from the chair before jumping in?

Thanks.

Dad

P.S. My walking past you does not indicate my desire or need to play tug-a-war with you and your wubba.

:rofl1:

Dear Riley,

The cats are not dogs and do not enjoy being wrestled with... well, except for Mad Mike, but he's the exception. You are also not endearing yourself to the big dogs by constantly leaping at their faces. Chill a little!

Love,
Mom


Dear Mick,

Give the kid a break, he only wants to play and you can easily out run him. Also, stay out of your brother's dinner - he can finish it without your help.

Love,
Mom


Dear Murphy,

Thanks for putting up with the puppy, I know you don't always appreciate him hanging off your ear. Have you thought about sitting on him?

Love,
Mom

P.S. I hate to break it to you, but no matter how fast you run or how much you yip, you're not going to catch the deer before they jump into the neighbor's property.


Dear Abby,

Barking non-stop will not make possums or raccoons fall out of trees. Trust me on this.

Love,
Mom


Dear Chance,

Owls really don't eat horses... And we were just kidding about the Snowy Ninja Wizard Owls waiting to pounce on you outside of the barn. You really can pee outdoors and it would certainly save on the amount of bedding you go through...

Love and carrots,
Mom


Dear cats,

Sorry about the puppy...

Love,
Mom

Dear Fudge

just because someone is wearing ice skates, driving a car, or doing some other bizarre thing does NOT give you the right to lunge like a maniac or chase them k.

Love the person that feeds you

ps don't eat so much ice kthx

Finnegan,

You drive me insane, and I love you.
-Mum

June Bug,

Every time you put your paw in the ferret cage, Palom WILL bite you, and you WILL scream. Please expect it next time.
-Mum

Palom,

Please go on a diet, run around more and be less fat.
-Mum

Porom,

Please eat more, run around less, and get fat.
-Mum

Yuffie,

Please get better so your wheezing doesn't make me sad when I come visit you every day. Also, continue barking at the cat. It makes me laugh.
-Mum

Ysera,

You are really cool to watch, but please stop hunting my face with your eyes. You look like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park and it sort of creeps me out.
-Mum

Basol,

Please stop spraying worm guts while you eat. I'm sick of wiping the glass.
-Mum

Mabel and Sable (new piggies),

You're both adorable and I love you, I'm so glad you're settling in well. But please stop kicking bedding and poo onto my head while I work.
-Mum

Dear Ollie : I know it's " our " bed , but I do need to make it once and a while and I don't appreciate your knocking the blankets off on the floor . I do appreciate your telling me that there's a strange car coming down the street , but please not before midnight . Also , I didn't need you to bring me that frozen poop last night when you came in . BTW , I love you and I don't know what I'd do without you ! XXXs , Mommy

:rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1:

You sure Grammy? Frozen poop could be useful for..........well, for something maybe! :rofl1:

*wipes tears*

It was a first and a surprise !! He was quite pleased with himself !

Dear Ozzy,

You are incredibly cute with your head tilting one ear up please feed me routine. I know, I know, most of our friends we have over are suckers and will feed you, but not once in three years of life have I ever fed you from my plate. If I want to give it to you, it will go in your bowl. Also, the kitten has claws, he can and will hurt you if you try to nom him. And you do not have to carry a tennis ball everywhere. Promise.

Love,
Me

Dear Enzo,

Please PLEASE for the love of all that is holy and sacred to you stop eating out of the litter box. Jumping onto the dryer and onto that shelf was NOT COOL. I do NOT care if Ozzy egged you on. Also, please stop following the cat. He's allowed onto the table and counters, if only because you and Oz won't leave him alone for a new york minute.

Love, Me


Dear Albus,

Keep rocking.

Love, Me

Dearest Ivan,
Please for the love of God, stop policing the neighborhood. You are NOT the neighborhood watch old lady. I really don't care to know when the neighbor pulls into HIS driveway. Yes I realize that you don't care for guests when they come over, BUT you if you are not nice, noone gets to see what a sweet boy you really are.
p.s. Please stop being a bully

Dearest Peewee,
I do not need you to remind me when to feed you guys. I will not forget. And you do not need more than what is given to you.

Dearest Toby,
I know you dislike men, But honest they are not evil incarnate and you do not have to try to kill them all. Besides that they are like 20 times your size. If the big bald guy to whom I married wished to he could very easily suck you into the vacuum and not hurt himself.
P.s. My hand is NOT your personal sex toy. KThx

Dearest Cleo,
Could you please backtalk me just a little less? And stop antagonizing Toby in the next cage.

Dearest Hazel,
I know you wish to be an indoor kitty, but you can't the one dog who lives here would very much like to eat you. So for your own safety please STOP breaking into my house.


XOXOXO
the person who buys your food and feeds all of you.

Dear Bailey-boo,

I love and adore you. I'm so glad you turned into a snugglebug. But please stop snarking at me if I move when you are sleeping on me! I'm sorry, but my legs fall asleep! (Also, right now you have 3/4 of the couch and I have 1/4. How did that happen?)

Love,
Mama

Dear Lacey,
I agree, the cat is evil. Yes it's cool when you sleep on my bed, I miss having someone to cuddle with. Know that you always have a home with me and I won't give you up for anything, no matter what. Also know that if I have to go away, it's ok to eat at someone elses house until I get back, they won't squeal on you if you have bad eating manners.
Also, it is not required to be so excited every time you see me, if I get off the couch I haven't been gone at all, and the 10 minutes it takes to pick Matt up does not warrant the "OMG I haven't seen you in like, forever" reaction. But, I love you too.

Ashley

Dear Chance,
Tommy has lived with us for almost a year now. It's time to stop barking at him when he exits his room. He is allowed to do so at his leisure.

Love mom

Dear Kody,
AROOstopAROObarkingAROOallAROOtheAROOdamnAROOtimeAROOOOOOOOOO!

Love mom

Dear Bailey,
Just because you eat the least amount of food because you're small therefore finishing before the boys, does not mean you have to hop around by your food bowl when it's empty. It's not a race, and I'm not going to forget that I already fed you and give you more.

Nice try though.

Love mom

Dear Gigi and Anisette,
Mom and Dad will come to visit again this year . . . like they do every year. They will stay in the house with us for around 6 weeks. Please, please, please stop barking at Dad every time he enters or leaves a room or moves. He loves dogs. He even loves you although you don't love him.

Dear Enchante,
You will be meeting my Mom and Dad. Dad loves dogs and would really like one of my dogs to like him. Please be sure to go and greet him wildly and jump all over him and give him kisses. He is the one person you are allowed to do this too. He just wants you to be his buddy.

Love,
Your owner (who with your help can get through a peaceful and pleasant visit with the parental unit -- maybe there will be a little something something in it for you if you help this year. Just saying.)

Dear Morgan,

Towels are inedible. So are my t-shirts, the stuffing inside your toys, tennis shoes, and Jon's underwear, to name a few things you seem to be confused about. In fact, many things are inedible. Do not eat them. We do not want a repeat of the week before Christmas. Never, ever, ever again.

Also, I know the vet fed you fancy canned food during your stay there, but the kibble here at home is still perfectly good. You can stop being a brat about it.

Thank you for playing nice with the kitties and letting them share your bed.

Love,
Mommy




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Dear Whitacre,

You must understand that the notebook computer in my lap is not a personal attack directed at you. You can sit in my lap with the computer, but please refrain from shoving it out from beneath my fingers while I type so that I have to catch it before it hits the floor.

Nomatter how loudly you growl and hiss while I clip your nails, nobody believes you.

I love the way you say "Mama" at mealtime, and the way you beg to be picked up. Never stop.

Love,
Mommy




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Dear Ticheli,

If you break one more thing in this house, I will break YOU!

I'm sorry that I introduce you to guests as "our evil cat", but even you have to admit that you've earned that title all on your own.

It's a good thing you are cute and totally know how to win my love back.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Maya,
Honestly, it is ok for the neighbors to be in their yard. I promise to fence in the yard as soon as possible, but you are not going to get to enjoy it if you can't be outside without barking like crazy at the neighbors.
I know you are spoiled, but it is still my bed, and grumbling at me for moving you over is not cool.
Thank you for being the smartest dog I've ever met, for always being there when I'm sad, and for tolerating Murphy even when he is annoying.
Love,
Mom

Dear Murphy,
Q-Tips, paper towels, toilet paper, my underwear and anything else that is not your toy or in your food bowl should not go in your mouth. I have had enough of pulling paper towels out of your butt or waking up to you throwing something up.
I promise you will be fed breakfast, but when I have 1/2 hour or more left to sleep, I would appreciate it if you did not spend that entire time whining in my ear. Also, you have never had your dinner before 5pm, whining for it at 3 on the days I'm off is not going to get you fed any sooner.
Thank you for always making me laugh and for being the happy go lucky boy you are.
Love,
Mom

Dear Saga,
I know I don't feed you Science Diet, but that does not mean you have to scarf any and every paper towel, napkin or kleenex the second I turn my head for the "fiber", your kibble has the proper amount, I promise.

Love,
Momma