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  • Removing tumors, physical or metaphorical, isn't, as you know, one of those one pass and it's gone operations :( I'm so grateful you have Mit!
    But I can tell you this . . . if, WHEN I get out of here, I am going no contact, I may even change my name. I don't want to be associated with them in any way, shape or form. I'm publishing under a pen name, two different ones, for the different genres - Scent of the Moon fans might be a little shocked at The Black Dog Dialogues. I may take one of those as my legal name eventually.
    Somehow, I think Black Dog may be how I get out of here . . . and then the *who are you, thinking you're writing something people will want to read* stuff that kicks in. I mean, really, after all, it's just ME, and who the hell am I?
    And then writers whose work I respect, some who are traditionally published, say things like it's extraordinary, one of the best stories and best told stories they've read, so I guess I keep going.
    I don't know how many more chapters I can stand!

    The one truly unforgivable thing she has done is taught me the meaning of hatred.
    I've got these three dogs to take care of :) I'll be honest, if it weren't for that, I might well have let go. It got so bad I was having sharp chest pains every time I heard mom's voice, and they'd wake me up at night. I'm pretty sure it was just muscle spasms, but I'd think about the dogs and get up and take a couple of aspirin and they'd go away. I'm finally getting the shaking under control in my hands. It would have been all too easy to just let go though. Too much hurt in this life.
    I'm going to do this in an orderly manner -- not fleeing the scene. With control. Mine. :)
    Buying the house next door to them wasn't the brightest thing I've ever done. One of those "seemed like a good idea at the time" things . . .
    Yeah, the goal is to be No Contact, but that's going to take some doing -- until then, for me, it's . . . difficult. There's no handy-dandy ignore button IRL.
    I do the same thing. It's not funny -- but if you can see the humor inherent in some of the awful stuff . . . it keeps things in perspective. And keeps you away from the edge of the cliff, actual or metaphorical.

    Some of the stuff they do IS humorous when you stand back and look at it, and it helps with being able to disengage.

    Besides, the one thing they can't stand is to know that someone thinks they're ridiculous, even if they do manage to twist it around and put it on the other person, at least in their own head. That one short moment when they're bitchslapped by their own absurdity is worth it.
    Oh, and I don't think you have to worry about turning into your mom. If you did, you wouldn't be worried about it. Ns don't generally think there's anything wrong with them -- it's everyone else and they construct all the lies, the gaslighting, their whole world, to support their weird, Looking Glass world.

    What we do have to check for is the fleas!
    I like the forum -- but I have to take it in increments. Seeing all the other daughters and hearing their stories, that are so often nearly EXACTLY the same, even to the same words they've used . . . it's . . . it opens a lot of festering wounds, which is a good thing, it lets them start healing from the inside out, but it's still a bit much sometimes.

    I'd been planning on sending you the link, it has your mother's MO all over it :eek: but thought I'd wait until after the holidays. It's hard to have to interact for awhile after the realization hits. I'm Jezebel on the forum ;)
    Omg!!! Where have you been Nikki!?! Hows your little girl? I just had a baby boy on Christmas eve. (: he's awesome. it's so crazy how much life can change in a couple years! I've thought of your family alot, I hope you're all fantastic!
    Danefied turned me on to this place http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ She recognized some of the things I was describing. Mine's at the malignant end of the scale. Knowing what the deal is helps, but it also brings a lot of . . . stuff . . . that has to be worked through. I went through a stage where someone saying something the least bit pleasant or nice -- let alone complimentary -- would shove me over into tears. It still does, some. And then there were the shooting chest pains every time I'd hear my mother's voice. I've almost got the shaking hands under control. Almost. That went from being some awful mishmash of anxiety, hurt, and who knows what else to pure anger.
    Just licking my wounds in the darkest corner of my lair.

    Getting ready for the next round, and the one after that, and the one after that . . .

    Thanks, Dearheart, and (((((((MANYHUGS)))))))

    Trying to get my hands to quit freaking shaking so I can get some long overdue work done, too. I've broken everything I've tried to do, which is pretty impressive when you figure it's metal.
    Thanks, Dearheart.

    You don't know how much I needed that right now. I've a link to a site I should share with you. It explains everything -- as much as the inexplicable can be explained -- about what I grew up with, and still have to deal with through my own blindly stupid decisions. Probably a great deal of what you've dealt with -- but did a far better and smarter job of extricating yourself from than I have.
    hanging in there too! Finished our summer session on Fri--so now I have a few weeks off before the fall starts up.
    LOL! Nah, it's good to put a bit of fear into people. You just didn't search well enough!
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