What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

[ek9]

I don't know if it's the funniest, but it's pretty funny lol

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out, "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

[arnold2008]

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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[SmexyPibble]

Originally Posted by ek9

I don't know if it's the funniest, but it's pretty funny lol

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out, "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

That made me laugh.

[a.baker]

I love both of those jokes!!! Any more people?

[a.baker]

O.k. not the funniest joke but hey its a GUY blond joke for once! And it was entertaining I suppose, I just got the email.

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the
wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building..

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned
beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
I'm going to jump off
this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
'Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'


The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again!
If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped,
too.



The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped
to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
said, 'If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it
to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could
have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The
blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.

[4dogs3cats]

I fail to see the humor in that last one.....

Am I missing something?

ETA- now that its removed.... never mind.. Now the actual last one IS funny lol

[4dogs3cats]

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

[bubbatd]

Those are great !

[Doberluv]

Heh, heh, heh..those are funny.

Here's one....can't recall if it's the funniest I ever heard but this was passed around when I worked as a pharmacy tech several years ago. We got all kinds of phamacist related jokes faxed to us.


A young man in his late teens walks into a pharmacy looking for condoms for himself and his rather new girl friend. He is confused as to which ones to buy so asks the pharmacist for help, which he gets, says, "thank you" and leaves the store.

Later that night, he and his girlfriend are invited to go to her parent's home for dinner. As they sit down at the table, they bow their heads and fold their hands for grace. Ater grace is over, the family all begins eating. But the young man, the boyfriend of the daugher continues to bow his head very deeply and doesn't eat.

The girl friend says, "Honey, I didn't know you were so religious." And the boy friend says, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

[Doberluv]

Originally Posted by 4dogs3cats

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

That's hilarious!!!!!