Dog Site - Dog Stuff
Dog Forum | Dog Pictures

Go Back   Chazhound Dog Forum > Dog Forum News > The Fire Hydrant


Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-12-2014, 11:48 AM
Sweet72947's Avatar
Sweet72947 Sweet72947 is offline
Squishy face
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 9,118
Default Need Advice

So there's a guy at work. We're pretty good friends now. I've been there for him through some bad times. Over a year ago, I left him a note in his backpack asking him out, and he didn't say anything about it for several days, but ended up telling me that he was "done with relationships" (he had a girlfriend for two years who left the country and dumped him fairly soon after I started this job, and he took it pretty hard) and our friendship was really important to him and he didn't want it to change. He has also mentioned before that he doesn't want to date anyone he works with. I told him I understood and that was that.

We blab at at each other nonstop at work, or mostly, he blabs at me. About his video games, his friends, his weird roommates, etc. We have quite a lot in common, we are like two sides of the same coin, he and I. He's really the sweetest, kindest, most good-hearted person I've ever met. I don't think I'm crazy in saying he probably has some feelings for me that aren't just friends. We play and tease each other all the time, and at night when everyone's gone we leave together and he locks the building and we stand and talk for a few minutes outside the building (he's been known to stand there talking at me for a good 35 to 45 minutes, lol ). We never hang outside of work though, not sure why that is, although I have invited him to hang out with my group of friends before. Once he mentioned a possible snowboarding trip and wondered if I'd like to go and I said yes but nothing else has been said about it.

I'm just, not sure what I should do with these feelings that I have. I have been trying to find another job (for several reasons) but I haven't been successful. I mean, should I somehow convey that "I understand that you don't want to date anyone you work with but should I leave this job anytime soon I am interested in you." Or should I not? I can't just make these feelings stop, they just are.

I'd really like to experience a relationship someday. I'm 32 years old (but am routinely mistaken for being 20-25) and I don't even know what it's like to kiss somebody because I've always just had bad luck in this department, I guess. My friends are all pairing off and getting married and sometimes I just feel profoundly lonely.
__________________
FOHA - Adopt!



"Give thanks to God for being dog. He gave us the joy of angels." - Trixie Koontz, Dog, Trixie Treats & Holiday Wisdom - Christmas is Good!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-12-2014, 02:19 PM
Stingr69's Avatar
Stingr69 Stingr69 is offline
Papillon Fan
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Central Arkansas
Posts: 102
Default

Maybe you already know the answer and are asking for confirmation - generally, you should not date people from work, and especially not that person. You are in the "friend zone". He knows where to find you and yet he does not make any moves at all. Emotionally unavailable people have needs, and they find a way to get them met outside of a relationship. Not a real bad guy but not YOUR guy either. Nicest way to say it.

Find someone outside of work and keep your emotional distance from this man. Just my advice.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-13-2014, 03:12 PM
joce's Avatar
joce joce is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4,230
Default

Nothing's going to happen with this guy. A guys not gonna worry about work or anything else in their way if they really want to be with someone. Be friends with him but don't expect a thing more.

Get yourself a membership to a dating site. I know people are hesitant to do it but my friend who is basically 35 year old virgin finally did and found a great guy!! Or join volunteer groups or singles groups. It's hard.
__________________


If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain
dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few
persons -James Thurber
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-13-2014, 03:24 PM
Fran27 Fran27 is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 10,417
Default

Yeah I agree with the others I'm sorry. Guys can be weird.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-13-2014, 09:06 PM
milos_mommy's Avatar
milos_mommy milos_mommy is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,613
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stingr69 View Post
Maybe you already know the answer and are asking for confirmation - generally, you should not date people from work, and especially not that person. You are in the "friend zone". He knows where to find you and yet he does not make any moves at all. Emotionally unavailable people have needs, and they find a way to get them met outside of a relationship. Not a real bad guy but not YOUR guy either. Nicest way to say it.

Find someone outside of work and keep your emotional distance from this man. Just my advice.
Basically this. I think if you DO leave the job, invite him to hang out sometime, sure, but don't be shocked if he's not interested. Either he'll miss you enough to start hanging out with you in a more laid back setting (which either may go somewhere or may not), or...he's just someone you get along with really well at THIS job and who you have a crush on, who isn't interested.

I agree with everyone else. Look elsewhere for romance...maybe eventually this guy will change his mind but don't hold your breath. It doesn't sound like you're in the same place in your romantic lives.
__________________
"My favorite color is green, green like newly cut grass. When it comes to green with envy, though, you can stick it up your @ss!" ~ Grammy



http://www.adorablebeasts.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-16-2014, 09:53 PM
Sweet72947's Avatar
Sweet72947 Sweet72947 is offline
Squishy face
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 9,118
Default

Just to clarify something, he's not just "some work friend". I saved him from, shall we say, making a final decision two years ago. So we do have a real friendship. It's just, centered around work it seems.

Also, one other question. In case I decide to try online dating. Because I really don't know how dating works, and I also have issues understanding social cues (I am awesome at reading human behavior, suck at social cues. Go figure). When you date in person, on the first, second or so dates, don't they want to kiss you or put their arm around you or something? Because I have this personal space bubble, and I am very much a "unless I invite you in, stay OUT" kind of person. I don't like to be touched by many people unless I know them well. Even friends still ask permission to hug me because they know how I am. I'm afraid I wouldn't be accepted, that my social problems would be misinterpreted as rejection or disinterest (because they have in the past ). I also have difficulty expressing my emotions. I'm so practiced in keeping them inside, keeping that poker face (because the way I grew up you had to), that I have a lot of difficulty doing anything else. On the outside I might appear to be unexcited or even bored, when on the inside I'm feeling the complete opposite.

I guess my question is, how do you really get to know other people, when you have trouble being a person? I don't have difficulty making friends, but friends are different.
__________________
FOHA - Adopt!



"Give thanks to God for being dog. He gave us the joy of angels." - Trixie Koontz, Dog, Trixie Treats & Holiday Wisdom - Christmas is Good!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-16-2014, 10:18 PM
PerformanceDog's Avatar
PerformanceDog PerformanceDog is offline
Puppy Dog
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 66
Default

I would agree and keep an emotional distance from the friend at work.

As far as online dating I think it is a great idea and that I know several people who have had lasting relationships from online dating.

I would say you get to know a significant other/or date just the way you would friends. Everyone has different styles of doing this. But I think it is essentially like you would with friends just more physical contact later.

If you are really worried about the guy thinking you are rejecting him I think you should maybe warn him in advance and then you make the first move to hug. Or share with him what you do so he knows it is acceptable to move closer.
__________________
__________________________________________________
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-17-2014, 07:00 PM
krissy krissy is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 661
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet72947 View Post
Because I have this personal space bubble, and I am very much a "unless I invite you in, stay OUT" kind of person. I don't like to be touched by many people unless I know them well.

I also have difficulty expressing my emotions. I'm so practiced in keeping them inside, keeping that poker face (because the way I grew up you had to), that I have a lot of difficulty doing anything else. On the outside I might appear to be unexcited or even bored, when on the inside I'm feeling the complete opposite.

I guess my question is, how do you really get to know other people, when you have trouble being a person? I don't have difficulty making friends, but friends are different.
I think it is perfectly possible to have a personal bubble and still date. I do not appreciate people I don't know getting into my personal space. And I absolutely would not ever have major physical contact on a first or second date. No kissing. I'd probably be very weirded out if someone tried to put their arm around me. A hug at the end of the night would be okay with me. Basically, nothing beyond friendly. And quite frankly, if a guy can't understand that he can see himself out.

I always make fun of my boyfriend because I asked him out initially, and he didn't kiss me the first time so much as asking me if I would give him a kiss. And I like to make fun of him over it, but ultimately it was probably a smart move on his part.

If a date was going really well and a guy tried to kiss you at the end of the night and you felt that was too much too soon... I don't think there would be anything wrong with saying "I really like you and I had a great night. I really hope I can see you again soon so we can get to know each other a little better. I'd like to take things slow for now." And if he's not okay with that, kick him to the curb. If he really likes you as a person he'll be happy to wait until you're comfortable.
__________________

Kristie and the Apex Agility Greyhounds:
Summit (BBF Dropout) - Retired from racing, not life
Kili (Lakilanni Where Eagles Fly) - Walking dreamer
Future Puppy - Coming ~2016-2017
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-17-2014, 08:19 PM
BostonBullMama's Avatar
BostonBullMama BostonBullMama is offline
Big Dog
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 105
Default

Firstly - I agree with the others. This guy, isn't "the" guy ~ he might be one day, things could always change, but today isn't that day and it's better to be a river than a rock.

Secondly - The right guy, isn't going to push you to do ANYTHING you aren't comfortable with. They will ask your permission to kiss you, in a not-so-subtle way.. maybe by saying "I really want to kiss you right now" - that's a question AND a statement If you say you're not ready, and they don't respect that - that's their loss, not yours.

I made my soon-to-be-husband wait a year before he kissed me - the right guy will respect your comfort levels.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-17-2014, 10:07 PM
yv0nne's Avatar
yv0nne yv0nne is offline
Vizsla mom
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cape Breton
Posts: 1,092
Default

In all fairness, guys can respect something and still decide it's not acceptable for them.

My boyfriend would respect my decision to not kiss and still be like 'nope can't do it. I'm out. Sorry.' So it's more like finding someone who is at your level of comfort with things along with the respect part.
__________________
It's wonderful to be a human in a Vizsla world!
*Copper& Chaos agility blog*
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:07 AM.


1997-2013 Chazhound Dog Site