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Old 10-30-2013, 06:57 PM
crazedACD crazedACD is offline
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Default Official Polygamy and Swinging Thread

I'm reading the replies in The Venting Thread with interest, would love to continue the conversation.

Opinions, experiences, stories?? How do you feel about it, have you done it?
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Old 10-30-2013, 07:22 PM
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To each and all their own. It is 100% not for me--I love having my husband all to myself, and knowing that we are each other's only ones.

I think the vast majority of people though are hardwired for jealousy/anger/frustration/hurt when someone we love romantically shows affection towards another. Not sure why you'd want to bring that into a situation where it doesn't have to be there.
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Old 10-30-2013, 07:37 PM
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I was going to reply over there, but I think this is a muuuuch better idea. Not that the Venting Thread doesn't get derailed about 5x a day or anything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran101 View Post
Many poly couples I've met have stable happy relationships and sexual relationships with other people they know very closely, they don't jump into it with a new partner/s willy nilly (especially when it comes to trust, understanding & health) I've had plenty of conversations with them about it and it's hardly random, it was describe to me as having a few serious sexual relationships built on trust. Jealousy is a factor but one that they overcome and help them grow as a couple.. and they consider it a fair price for a relationship style they truly enjoy.

And quite a few have the girl in the relationship that chose the lifestyle/has partners of her own of either sex.

and it's no more unsafe, done the right way, than being in a monogamous couple (people cheat sometimes and they are hardly as careful health wise, and people have sexual histories of all kinds..). Either way in either lifestyle sometimes things happen over "just one mistake"

I know plenty of abusive, broken up, unhealthy jealous monogamous relationships that end in hurt and jealousy.. I'd say your experience has a lot to do with you view of it, which is fair, I just don't think it's fair to paint it with such a general statement.
Like all relationships of all kinds, there is good and bad.

While it's not my thing.. I can certainly understand the lifestyle for two people WHO WANT IT (which is not what is going on here)

Like I can't totally wrap my head around getting over the jealousy etc.. I'm sure there are plenty of things about mono. relationships those in poly. can't wrap their heads around.. live and learn lol I guess
I was going to snip only the parts of this I wanted to respond to, but I think the whole thing is worth a read. There is a huge misconception that being poly is "men wanting to sleep with anything that moves" and that it's a reckless, crazy lifestyle.

I was in a relationship with someone who was also in a committed relationship for a while. When we broke up, he broke up with her as well for unrelated reasons. He and I eventually got back together, and after being 'second' for so long, I put my foot down about there being another person introduced into our relationship or sex life - I wanted to be #1 for a while. That didn't change, and when we opened things up a bit, it didn't go well and kind of burned me on the whole thing. I set the boundaries, boundaries were crossed, then my feelings and hurt were dismissed completely for months, at which point I ended the relationship and moved to CO.

We're still (or should I say we are once again) best friends. When we visit, there's usually sex involved. He's currently in a relationship with an awesome woman, and has a local FWB on the side. We still love one another unconditionally and I think it's unlikely that that will ever change, but that's definitely changed from romantic love into another flavor of love.

Our current rules are as follows:

#1. There has to be proof of current STD testing. Not "baby, I'm clean!" Not "I got my results and we're good!" Actual papers from your doctor's office or local planned parenthood showing that you're clear of HIV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes 1&2, Syphillis, etc to name a few. I have Kaiser and that involves me saying "TEST ME FOR EVERYTHING. NO, EVERYTHING. Assume I frequent street corners and am at high risk and give me every single STD test that you have." Doctors offices normally only want to test you for things that you're at risk for, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. For people who go out and get STD tested after they sleep with random strangers, just stop. You don't want to know whose house to bomb when you get HIV, you want to prevent getting it, so start making smarter decisions about safe sex. I trust him and have known him long enough to know that he'll ask for them from someone else before sleeping with them, but that's a rare sort of trust for me - and I have asked to see his other partners' papers in the past.

#2. Communication. I tested positive for herpes 1, which is the cold sore virus that about 70% of the population has. I told him he might have been exposed, which led to a discussion with his GF letting her know she might have been exposed. It turns out that Planned Parenthood uses the cheapest, least accurate test that throws a 5% rate of false positives, so I got re-tested with Kaiser. All three of those came back negative, so I freaked them out for nothing. (Just in case any of you plan on getting tested, you want the IGG test, and if they offer it, the IGM.)

#3. Barrier methods. That's more a personal comfort zone thing, though.

#4. Trust. Anyone we are sleeping with has to be fine with these rules and be of the same "safety first" mindset that we are. I'd be getting laid a lot more if I didn't have these rules, but I'd rather play it safe.

No one's perfect, we've all made mistakes and had moments of bad judgment. . . but that's where communication comes in!

Edit:

That said, poly and swinging are two separate things. I'd most likely be okay with an open relationship in the future, because, well, do I even need to explain how fun variety and multiple partners can be? I don't think I'd be okay with a truly poly relationship - no one taught me how to share as a child. I'd like to be enlightened and amazing and say, "yes, my darling, I'm so happy you're in love with your new BF/GF," but that's just not who I am right now - I would feel threatened and less special, even if, in reality, I was cherished and important. That's insecurity talking, and I'm okay with that - and I'll be honest and upfront with that in any future relationships.

Swinging is when a couple exchanges sexual partners, and for a lot of people that's a lifestyle. I would not be okay with that in the way that I've seen it done, namely because of rules #1, #2, and #4. If those could all be met, then sure, that would make it the same thing as my definition of an open relationship.
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Old 10-30-2013, 07:57 PM
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's a pretty short thread. everything relevant has already been said. i identify as polyamorous and have been in monogamous relationships and 1 poly relationship, and while both were fine with me, i dont think i could ever be in a monogamous relationship again, just because of jake and how close we are, any guy im with is just going to have to deal with the strings i come with. jake also has a gf, and at one point we (jake and i) were seeing the same guy, who was also poly. theres a HUGE HUGE level of honesty and communication that people dont get. its not a get out of jail free card to be a ho. its hard, and requires a lot of work and humbling and communication, yaknow, kinda like a monogamous relationship XD im still jealous, and i still get jealous, but not of claire, because i know where we stand with each other and with jake, and with tay. its no different than any other relationship, you are still human, with human insecurities, irrationalities, jealousies. you just handle your dynamic with the people youre with in a slightly more..... multidimensional way. sexuality isnt, and has never been, a straight line with one thing on one end, and something else on the other end, and a checkbox here and there. love and sexuality is a hugely complicated emotional, mental, and physical thing and forget lines. try 3 axis' and you might be more accurate. if you happen to fall into one of the "traditional" roles in how you love and handle those things, great. but not everyone needs to, and thats okay too. honesty is vastly more important than fitting into a predefined type
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Old 10-30-2013, 08:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliTerp07 View Post
To each and all their own. It is 100% not for me--I love having my husband all to myself, and knowing that we are each other's only ones.

I think the vast majority of people though are hardwired for jealousy/anger/frustration/hurt when someone we love romantically shows affection towards another. Not sure why you'd want to bring that into a situation where it doesn't have to be there.
I agree. I would not believe my SO loved me if he wanted to be intimate with another woman. I personally feel like I should be enough for any one man to handle
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:01 PM
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The above descriptions of poly/open relationships seem incrediably complicated. Honestly I don't know how I'd hold down a full time job, maintain a house, have pets AND satisfy the emotional and sexual needs of more than one partner-I can barely keep up with DH most of the time. I think if that's what makes you happy that's what makes you happy-just not my cup of tea.

We casually discussed swinging but the unknown health factor skeeves me out too much.
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:11 PM
crazedACD crazedACD is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sillysally View Post
The above descriptions of poly/open relationships seem incrediably complicated. Honestly I don't know how I'd hold down a full time job, maintain a house, have pets AND satisfy the emotional and sexual needs of more than one partner-I can barely keep up with DH most of the time. I think if that's what makes you happy that's what makes you happy-just not my cup of tea.

We casually discussed swinging but the unknown health factor skeeves me out too much.
I agree with this, I don't know that I could (emotionally) fulfill the needs of more than one person. I do have an open mind and feel that if it ever happened that I was with someone, and we both fell in love with someone else that we wanted to be part of our relationship, that could be possible. But I wouldn't go seeking out a polygamous relationship. I do feel that most of them do not work out.

As far as swinging goes, I wouldn't really be cool with straight up finding other partners and going off to do our own thing. Totally open to bringing another person (or couple, maybe) into the bedroom together though. Shrug. I'm not really a jealous person.
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazedACD View Post
I agree with this, I don't know that I could (emotionally) fulfill the needs of more than one person. I do have an open mind and feel that if it ever happened that I was with someone, and we both fell in love with someone else that we wanted to be part of our relationship, that could be possible. But I wouldn't go seeking out a polygamous relationship. I do feel that most of them do not work out.

As far as swinging goes, I wouldn't really be cool with straight up finding other partners and going off to do our own thing. Totally open to bringing another person (or couple, maybe) into the bedroom together though. Shrug. I'm not really a jealous person.
Most relationships don't work out. Relationships are hard. And everyone does things differently, so it's hard to say that there's one 'right' or 'wrong' way.

And Sally, the health issue of swinging are why I haven't really gone there. I completely understand what you mean. If you develop a friendship with a couple or a person, there's no reason why you can't try it.

My main concern when it comes to my sex life is health, so no matter who I have sex with, all the basic rules of testing, trust, and communication apply.

The Ferrett has a great journal about it and is poly, so if you're curious, I'd say read some of his stuff. http://theferrett.livejournal.com/1751551.html
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:55 PM
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Pretty much what Fran said. Not a lifestyle for me, personally. Polygamy would 100% be out for me. I just wouldn't ever want to share my man and can't imagine the stress of multiple 'wives'/families. Swinging? At the moment, at least, I don't think it would be something I'd be into but I have not been in a serious relationship as of yet in my life so can't say with certainty. But I am pretty open minded and could see the appeal if it was a mutual thing. I wouldn't want to just be like... going out separately and hooking up with randoms though. But maybe to spice things up as a once in a while type thing? I guess never know.
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Old 10-31-2013, 07:44 AM
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but you *already* fill the needs of many many people. your spouse, your family members, extremely close friends. you dont make a new friend and be all like "well. i gotta stop hanging out with ONE of you, because my schedule is just so full i have to fit this new person in somewhere" thats not how it is at all
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