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  #51  
Old 09-19-2013, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by milos_mommy View Post
Ok, I'm really glad I posted this then. Taq, the issue isn't that he doesn't soothe her...he lets her cry more than I would but he'd NEVER just let her cry for 5+ minutes.

And I trust him with her 100%. I guess I didn't consider how obnoxious or insulting it is...I'm really easy going but also really bossy.
Sorry! I pulled that quote out and then left my comp, came back, read the quoted part, and went off a highly irrelevant tangent.

On the plus side, you can kind of see my fighting style. Is there a problem? Yes. Is there a solution? Yes. Then beat it with a logic hammer until it breaks or it fits.

Honestly, I think being obnoxious or insulting depends on how you're going about it. If you say "Well don't just LET her cry!" *snatch baby away* that's different from saying "Hey, it really bothers me when she cries like that, do you want me to take her for a bit?" Maybe you can work on re-wording things and see if there's a difference in his responses?

I let Matt rock hop with Falon across a freezing cold creek a month or so ago. I actually had to turn around and bite my tongue to keep from saying anything but you know what? It was totally fine. Sometimes I think we voice our fears just because hearing them out loud makes it seem like they won't happen (this sentence is terribly worded but I have to go make dinner and don't want to fix it).
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  #52  
Old 09-19-2013, 08:52 PM
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While I don't have experience with kids I do with men & dogs, there are times I had to bite my tongue & let him "be" how he is going to be with them & our relationship is better for it.
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  #53  
Old 09-20-2013, 02:45 AM
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Me and Frank used to fight often, I would say once a week?... that was a period when we had HUGE trust issues, and differences, and stresses, and our relationship was much newer. At first living together was definitely uncomfortable. Then we both got used to each other's quirks and learned to compromise for each other.

I still get annoyed by some things, but I've learned how to approach him about it without starting a fight. We have literally been to hell and back in our relationship. We've been through it! So little things aren't a big deal at this point.

Having a newborn was soooo hard, when he was collicy and not set in a routine, we felt like we were losing it. Now that Malakai is older and on a schedule it's so much less stressful! We make sure to set aside time for just us every day where we're human beings, and sexy, and not just Mommy and Daddy.
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  #54  
Old 09-20-2013, 02:51 AM
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Last night the same crap happened. The baby was crying, and he was holding her, but wasn't doing anything to make her stop. I was like "don't just let her cry". And went to take her. He got mad, and took her outside. I said I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry, and he was ok, but moody for the rest of the night.
I cannot imagine how many times this scenario has happened with us. Men, typically, just don't have the nurturing ability that we have. They're very awkward with little babies! I got so frustrated at first with him, then I learned it's better for us and for baby that I just took over and was positive about it when he was overwhelmed. Now that Mally is turning into a little boy, he LOVES his Dad, and he's the best at cheering him up.
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:56 AM
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Disagreements and arguments happen maybe a few times a month but they are always over frivolous things that we blow off after.

Real serious fights with us are rare. It's happened maybe once or twice through out our relationship.
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  #56  
Old 09-20-2013, 07:06 AM
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Yes I think it's important not to "de-masculate" men about things like that. I have learned that being "bossy & controlling" can drive a wedge between two people in a relationship. I know as women it's easy to say "I have birth to it" (when referencing kids) & easy to forget that 50% of that kid is their doing too.
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Old 09-20-2013, 09:06 AM
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What do I do? I'm planning on just revisiting the "I have plenty of confidence in you" thing and telling him how much it bothers me when he gets like that...
I think this is a scenario that plays out in relationships over a LOT of stuff, not just babies. And as I've gotten older, I've gotten more sympathetic towards the "wounded" party. Because really, if you truly have confidence in him, there's no reason to tell him to be careful with a baby. It doesn't matter if you have a serious discussion where you tell him you have confidence in him if then later when he actually holds the baby you tell him to be careful. He's certainly not going to FEEL like you have confidence in him, then, and why would he? Who wants to feel criticized all the time?

I understand, because I do the same thing to my husband about a lot of things pertaining to the dogs because of my own paranoia - he's a grown man, he knows to make sure the gate is closed before he lets the dogs out, but I still get a twinge from time to time. I think a lot of people do it to their partners, when they aren't doing things quite exactly the way WE would do it.

Anyone, but it seems guys especially in situations like this, DO go to that "well fine if I'm doing everything wrong I'm just not doing anything, ever" place pretty quickly. And who can blame them?

What I've learned to do is either let go and not say anything, or preface with something acknowledging that I need to say stuff like that to satisfy MY OWN paranoid/control tendencies, not because I actually don't think he knows what he's doing. Because that's really what it's about. Like, "I know you know this, but I just have to say it or I'll go a little nuts inside: Please make sure you check the gate."
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:42 AM
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Now that Malakai is older and on a schedule it's so much less stressful! We make sure to set aside time for just us every day where we're human beings, and sexy, and not just Mommy and Daddy.
Oh yeah...so much THIS.

There was a time around 2 years of age where we had to make a decision about napping vs bedtime. If Hannah napped, she would be awake until 10 pm or later. No nap and she would go to bed on time at 8. Part of me didn't want to give up that quiet time during the day but a BIGGER part of me wasn't willing to give up that time in the evening where Brian and I got to take off the Mom and Dad hats and just BE together, even if that meant just sitting on the couch watching TV or whatever. Time for us to be together with no interruptions.

As for the "be careful with the baby" confidence thing. It's definitely not fair to our partners to be so critical of there abilities to care for their children but it happens. My thing that I always cringe over is Hannah riding on Brians shoulders. At one point he was like WHY do you always cringe and put your hand up on her back when I am putting her up on my shoulders... do you think I'm going to drop her? I just told him honestly that it was not HIM or his abilities that made me cringe but that when I was a teen some friends were being stupid and buddy got up on someone's shoulders and ended up falling backward to the floor on cracked his head open on the cement floor. it's just an image I can't get out of my head and a reaction I can't control because of that. Hannah up on her dads shoulders is definitely NOT the same thing but I know how kids can just randomly THROW themselves backward lol. I just explained to him that it really was just a phobia I have because of that experience and it's MY problem, not a problem with him. he understands that now that I really just CAN'T help my reaction and now he teases me about it whenever Hannah is on his shoulders. "Here Hannah, ride on my shoulders while Mommy has a heart attack" LOL.

I think a lot of marital problems that come with kids are just previous issues exacerbated by the stress of a newborn and no sleep. BUT also I think couples need to be on the same page on major parenting issues like discipline and the like.
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  #59  
Old 09-20-2013, 11:53 AM
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Its really hard when they are little because just biologically speaking, moms and dads are different. Moms are hormone driven to take care of the baby. To respond to every cry. So even if we "know" dad has her, her cries still affect us and make us driven to take care. Its a hard one to balance and can take a bit of time to figure out for sure.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:32 PM
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Its really hard when they are little because just biologically speaking, moms and dads are different. Moms are hormone driven to take care of the baby. To respond to every cry. So even if we "know" dad has her, her cries still affect us and make us driven to take care. Its a hard one to balance and can take a bit of time to figure out for sure.
I'm not saying the feelings are wrong or not understandable. And honestly couples have this exact conflict every day across the world about everything from how to fold the towels to how to clean the bathroom or load the dishwasher, it's not just about babies.

Just... sometimes you have to SHOW people that you have confidence in them (by holding your tongue sometimes or acknowledging that your emotions/fears are overshadowing your logical brain when you say things in a moment or by accepting that it really doesn't matter if one more dish might have fit if only things had been arranged thusly) instead of TELLING them you have confidence in them during a conversation and then expecting them to really feel that way later when you do something that sends a message that you aren't.
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