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  #41  
Old 09-19-2013, 11:22 AM
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That is why I don't want kids ... IMHO kids ruin everything. I have heard a lot of couples, some of them separated because of fights over raising the kids or frayed nerves because of the kids.
What? Who said kids ruin everything? If you're referring to my post, I said we fought more - as in once a month or so for MAYBE two months. We fought nearly every day when we first got married, once a month is nothing.
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  #42  
Old 09-19-2013, 11:44 AM
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I read of a study somewhere that kids neither decreased or increased average marriage happiness... So if you want them have them, if not, don't. But they don't ruin everything.
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  #43  
Old 09-19-2013, 12:25 PM
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Denis and I stressed more when we brought home an eight week old puppy and we were rusty about how to handle things. In the end I would say it made us stronger because we can endure a lack of sleep, food, and clean living yet still love and respect each other.
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  #44  
Old 09-19-2013, 12:39 PM
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No, I was referencing what I have seen from people I know, not what anyone said here.

Perhaps "ruin everything" wasn't the right context, maybe "change everything" is more fitting ... & I don't want out relationship to change, I also am all about us & I don't want anything taking away from that.
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  #45  
Old 09-19-2013, 12:52 PM
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God we are bad enough with the dogs, I can't imagine how we would be with an actual thing we made!!! Bad as in cuckoo about them!! Definitely enriches our relationship, not the other way round. I think kids would be really tough, but also add a really positive aspect.
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  #46  
Old 09-19-2013, 02:06 PM
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Ok, here's why I started this thread. BF and I have been arguing more lately. It's not that bad at all, but I don't know if it's a bad sign.

Back story: we dated casually on/off (always off for stuff like school, too busy, etc) when I got pregnant. We decided to stay friends and go that route. For 9 months we saw each other/talked once or twice a week...and didn't fight once.

A week before Lillian's birth we decided to try to be together. In three months with a newborn, we had one argument and one kinda misunderstanding. The argument was when I just sort of told him I was taking our 6 week to Florida and didn't give him a chance to say no...we talked about it and it was fine.

He also got mad very briefly when I kept telling him to be careful with her. I told him it wasn't anything to do with my confidence in him as a parent, I'm not ACTUALLY worried he won't be careful with her, etc, and it seemed fine.

A few days ago, he was touching her with an electric massage thing, so I said "just keep it on low, she's very delicate". He was like "you act like I don't know anything about babies". Then, he set her on the couch so I said "don't leave her on the couch".

I don't know why I said it, I KNOW he isn't going to leave her on the couch...but he got PISSED. He was like "fine, I'll just never touch her again so you don't have to worry". I should have apologized but I felt like he was being ridiculous. He got over it quickly, though.

Last night the same crap happened. The baby was crying, and he was holding her, but wasn't doing anything to make her stop. I was like "don't just let her cry". And went to take her. He got mad, and took her outside. I said I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry, and he was ok, but moody for the rest of the night.

I just feel like I can't predict what he's going to get pissy about. He's also under more stress now, working like 60 hours a week, up for a promotion, but idk. Stress isn't an excuse to snap at me so much.

What do I do? I'm planning on just revisiting the "I have plenty of confidence in you" thing and telling him how much it bothers me when he gets like that...
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  #47  
Old 09-19-2013, 02:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by milos_mommy View Post
Ok, here's why I started this thread. BF and I have been arguing more lately. It's not that bad at all, but I don't know if it's a bad sign.

Back story: we dated casually on/off (always off for stuff like school, too busy, etc) when I got pregnant. We decided to stay friends and go that route. For 9 months we saw each other/talked once or twice a week...and didn't fight once.

A week before Lillian's birth we decided to try to be together. In three months with a newborn, we had one argument and one kinda misunderstanding. The argument was when I just sort of told him I was taking our 6 week to Florida and didn't give him a chance to say no...we talked about it and it was fine.

He also got mad very briefly when I kept telling him to be careful with her. I told him it wasn't anything to do with my confidence in him as a parent, I'm not ACTUALLY worried he won't be careful with her, etc, and it seemed fine.

A few days ago, he was touching her with an electric massage thing, so I said "just keep it on low, she's very delicate". He was like "you act like I don't know anything about babies". Then, he set her on the couch so I said "don't leave her on the couch".

I don't know why I said it, I KNOW he isn't going to leave her on the couch...but he got PISSED. He was like "fine, I'll just never touch her again so you don't have to worry". I should have apologized but I felt like he was being ridiculous. He got over it quickly, though.

Last night the same crap happened. The baby was crying, and he was holding her, but wasn't doing anything to make her stop. I was like "don't just let her cry". And went to take her. He got mad, and took her outside. I said I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry, and he was ok, but moody for the rest of the night.

I just feel like I can't predict what he's going to get pissy about. He's also under more stress now, working like 60 hours a week, up for a promotion, but idk. Stress isn't an excuse to snap at me so much.

What do I do? I'm planning on just revisiting the "I have plenty of confidence in you" thing and telling him how much it bothers me when he gets like that...

If this was Chris and I , I would never tell him how to do anything with the kid. The kid is his as much as mine and I have the utmost faith in him as a parent.
If I ever told Chris anything like that He would be SUPER pissed. It would be a direct insult to him as a father and he lives for his kids.

Maybe the problem is you two really dont know know each other and dont really trust one another either.
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  #48  
Old 09-19-2013, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by -bogart- View Post
If this was Chris and I , I would never tell him how to do anything with the kid. The kid is his as much as mine and I have the utmost faith in him as a parent.
If I ever told Chris anything like that He would be SUPER pissed. It would be a direct insult to him as a father and he lives for his kids.

Maybe the problem is you two really dont know know each other and dont really trust one another either.
Pretty much this.... As much as I like to think I know best, sometimes I have to bite my lip. I'm a back seat driver, full on. I know I would struggle not to make comments. But....

If you trust him, then let him get on with it. As long as her life isn't at risk, he's not going to screw her up she's both yours, he has to feel like he can be daddy without getting a running commentary on how he should be doing it. I mean that in the nicest possible way, honestly. I know I'd struggle too.
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  #49  
Old 09-19-2013, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by milos_mommy View Post
Last night the same crap happened. The baby was crying, and he was holding her, but wasn't doing anything to make her stop. I was like "don't just let her cry". And went to take her. He got mad, and took her outside. I said I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry, and he was ok, but moody for the rest of the night.
This drives me INSANE. Matt has finally stopped doing it but we had a lot of little arguments over the difference between just holding the baby because she's crying and soothing the baby because she's crying. Because holding the baby while you watch tv isn't the same as actively soothing. I have seen a lot of similar complaints on the parenting forum I'm on. I think it's partially a biological reaction - I get super stressed when she cries for too long, partially new mom-ness, and partially just a difference in parenting.

It helped a lot for me to explain why I was reacting the way I was. 1) I have a genuine stress reaction, it's science and it may not be logical but it does happen. 2) If you do anything other than sit there (like walk, bounce, talk, move, make funny faces) she will stop crying. 3) She is a baby. It's not manipulation, it's not gaslighting, it's not nothing, if she is crying there is a reason.

I also looked up the literature on how synapses form differently when babies are left to cry for long periods of time (which I can find if your bf is science based).
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  #50  
Old 09-19-2013, 04:24 PM
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Ok, I'm really glad I posted this then. Taq, the issue isn't that he doesn't soothe her...he lets her cry more than I would but he'd NEVER just let her cry for 5+ minutes.

And I trust him with her 100%. I guess I didn't consider how obnoxious or insulting it is...I'm really easy going but also really bossy.
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