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Old 05-15-2013, 06:54 PM
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Default If a friend's SO...

I know we've had similar threads before, but let's rehash:

What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you?
What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend? Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you?
What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours?
Does it change depending on how well you know your friend?
Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is?

Would you want a friend to tell you if your SO was either cheating on you or mentioning they'd be willing to?
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:04 PM
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What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you?

Depends on the situation. If it was a first time, I would probably ignore it and mention it to my friend, if it was REALLY inappropriate.

What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend? Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you?

I would totally tell my friend that. But I would make sure to not be like "Oh, dude, your BF so wants me" I'd probably start by asking how serious they were and how my friend felt about him/her. If they're serious, then I would casually mention something and wait for it to happen again. If they aren't, I would tell all.

What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours?

Then I guess it depends on which friend you like more

Does it change depending on how well you know your friend?

I believe so.

Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is?

Definitely.

Would you want a friend to tell you if your SO was either cheating on you or mentioning they'd be willing to?

Yes. Although I am 99.9999% sure that would never happen, I trust my friends. I don't believe they would tell me he was cheating if he wasn't. I don't live in a romantic comedy.


I would also try to avoid the friend's SO, if at all possible. Or try not to be alone with him/her. See how they act with other people as well. It really depends on how close you are to the friend, how often you see them... a lot of things.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:23 PM
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Well, it would depend on how well I knew the friend AND how well I knew the SO.

Our group of friends tends to be pretty free about what we will joke about and stuff can get pretty raunchy, so that in and of itself wouldn't set off any red flags for me. If someone seemed to be actually flirting with me in a way that set off my Spidey senses or made me uncomfortable, I would cut off that kind of joking with that person and not be alone with them. I probably wouldn't say anything about it, though. That kind of stuff can be so easy to misinterpret, and I have made the mistake of "telling on" someone in an open relationship... awkward.

If it was outright asked to hook up... I would outright ask back if their relationship was open (not that it would matter to my answer, but it would matter how I proceeded), because again... yea, awkward if my assumption is wrong.

If not an open relationship and I knew the SO reasonably well, I would probably get all serious on them. Ask them exactly why they were hitting on me/wanted to cheat/what they weren't getting from and what is going on in their current relationship. If it was simply because that person is a player, I might or might not tell the friend depending on how close I was to them. IME stuff like that is either a trip down Denial Road or a friendship-ender no matter what people say about wanting to know beforehand. But it might be worth it to me to end the friendship or be frustrated by inaction if it was someone I knew well enough.

If there's some kind of relationship problem/dissatisfaction for the SO, I would try help them figure out if continuing to be in the relationship is something they even want and if so, try to help them figure out how to fix it if I could. Helping them find a counselor or role play talking to their SO about problems, or helping them broach the subject with the SO. Stuff like that. I actually think a LOT of relationships are fixable even if they have reached the point where someone is thinking about cheating, if both parties are willing to work hard. I think a lot of the "drifting apart" type problems especially fall into that category, people just need some help to drift back together. A very, very good friend did this for me back in the day (minus any flirting/offers to hook up, that is... just obvious problems in the relationship at the time) and I've never forgotten how life changing it was for me and my marriage. So you know... pay it forward and all.

In that situation, I wouldn't tell my friend unless their relationship ended. If the SO was committed to fixing the relationship I would leave it up to them to decide if they wanted to tell my friend.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:26 PM
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What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you?
Depends what was said and HOW it was said. Most likely, poorly.

What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend?
I don't have a certain line ..it would very much depend on context& feeling.

Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you?
Yup, 100% ..even if they were just casual& we weren't BFFs. Super inappropriate behavior.

What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours?
I would tell them I was telling their significant other so they better beat me to them.

Does it change depending on how well you know your friend?
Not really ..although, once at a bar I DID make out with a guy with a girlfriend. I didn't know her at all so I didn't bother messaging her to be like 'Yo! Made out with your hot BF last night on the dance floor. Great kisser.' I'm hoping she has good friends who saw& told her he was making shitty life decisions.

Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is?
Sure.. if both people are behaving inappropriately, it's not inappropriate. Other than that, not really.

Would you want a friend to tell you if your SO was either cheating on you or mentioning they'd be willing to?
Yup.. I'd rather know now than know later. The faster you know, the less time you've invested in a sucky relationship!
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:33 PM
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This is all coming from the point of view of someone happily married. If I were single, my answers might be different, I don't know--but if some random person is hitting on me I'm as worried about MY relationship being messed with as the other person's. (Not that I would do anything, but I just don't need that headache)

What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you? Distance myself from them and avoid being alone with them in a one-on-one situation where that sort of thing could occur. (I try very hard to do this anyway)

What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend? Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you? I would have to be really good friends with the person to bring it up. Likely it would come up when my friend asked if we wanted to hang out again. I'd probably say that I was uncomfortable hanging out with the SO, due to some uncomfortable comments they'd made before.

What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours? Exactly the same as before. I would distance myself from that person.

Does it change depending on how well you know your friend? Sure--the closer we are, the more likely we are to discuss stuff like this.

Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is? I don't think so, no. If a guy is hitting on a married woman, that's not appropriate no matter how serious his relationship with my friend is.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:46 PM
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My situation is that I have these couple friends, and the guy (who I WAS and may or may not still be friends with) basically told me had a crush on me and wants to hook up...

I just told him I was not interested and wouldn't ever do that to his girlfriend (and also mentioned that I was not at all interested in having sex with him while I'm NINE MONTHS PREGNANT WITH HIS FRIEND'S CHILD or ever).

But now I don't know if I should tell my female friend. Truth is, I don't know if it's an open relationship, but I HIGHLY doubt it. We're not that close, but I do consider her a friend and I like her a lot. I'm not sure I'd consider her even a "good friend", but she's definitely more than like an acquaintance or something.

I could either stop talking to them both and she'd probably attribute it to me being too busy with the baby or whatnot,
or tell her and take the chance she'd not want to be friends anymore anyway,
or keep being friends with her/them (it's not like I've ever even been alone with this guy before, we've only hung out in groups or the three of us, but it might be weird if it was the three of us) and not say anything.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by milos_mommy View Post
My situation is that I have these couple friends, and the guy (who I WAS and may or may not still be friends with) basically told me had a crush on me and wants to hook up...

I just told him I was not interested and wouldn't ever do that to his girlfriend (and also mentioned that I was not at all interested in having sex with him while I'm NINE MONTHS PREGNANT WITH HIS FRIEND'S CHILD or ever).

But now I don't know if I should tell my female friend. Truth is, I don't know if it's an open relationship, but I HIGHLY doubt it. We're not that close, but I do consider her a friend and I like her a lot. I'm not sure I'd consider her even a "good friend", but she's definitely more than like an acquaintance or something.

I could either stop talking to them both and she'd probably attribute it to me being too busy with the baby or whatnot,
or tell her and take the chance she'd not want to be friends anymore anyway,
or keep being friends with her/them (it's not like I've ever even been alone with this guy before, we've only hung out in groups or the three of us, but it might be weird if it was the three of us) and not say anything.

I'd probably do this. You're about to be way too busy to worry about some guy crushing on you. If you're not BFFs or something, then that would be the easier choice.

And at him wanting to hook up with a very pregnant lady. (No offense!)
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:51 PM
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Well at 9 months pregnant you have a lot on your plate without adding someone else's relationship problems to it. I'd still probably try something along the lines of "Dude, what the hell is up with this? Either fix your relationship or end it if this is where you're at" and help him find a counselor or therapist if he seemed interested in fixing it.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:27 PM
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If you aren't super close friends, I'd just avoid him (or them, if they only come as a pair). No sense in adding drama to your life right before baby comes.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:29 PM
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How will your friend feel if she finds out later that he was prepared to cheat on her with you and that you never told her? I can tell you this -- if my ex had approached a good friend of mine to cheat and she never told me, I would be very upset.

I would tell the guy that you feel morally obligated to tell your friend what happened but that you want to give him the opportunity to do so first. This gives him an opportunity to redeem himself but also stays true to doing right by your friend. If it's not an open relationship, which you believe it isn't, than I think you owe it to your friend to tell her. Or at least, I would feel that way. If she believes she is in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, her partner cheating can also endanger her physical health.

Cheating is cowardly and selfish, and for some reason trying to cheat with a person who is mutual friends with your SO seems even more cruel. He chose to cheat, he can deal with the consequences.
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