Dog Site - Dog Stuff
Dog Forum | Dog Pictures

Go Back   Chazhound Dog Forum > Dog Forum News > The Fire Hydrant


Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-29-2013, 08:30 AM
meepitsmeagan's Avatar
meepitsmeagan meepitsmeagan is online now
Meagan&TheCattleDogCrew
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Southwest Michigan
Posts: 2,654
Default What would you do in this situation?

So... I haven't really said much on here about the relationship with my dad other than it is bad. It was years of emotional abuse, put downs, and ended with physical abuse. That's where I moved out and cut off all forms of communication. I haven't spoken to, or seen my dad in two years give or take.

Now, my mother and my sister and I are still all good. My sister got really sick a few weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. Apparently, my mom and my dad (who are divorced) were talking, and my dad said that he wanted to pay for college, no strings attached. My dad has always used money as a form of control, so I automatically seized up when she was telling me about it, but now that I've had some time to think, I'm having a raging internal debate. Mom says I should take it, Josh says I should think about it.

I think that he is either feeling guilty, or is trying to manipulate me. I feel like if I take this opportunity, I'm going to feel obligated to get back in touch with him. However, I also REALLY want to go back to school.. and this would give me a super opportunity to crank it out faster than what Josh and I would be able to afford.

So, based on this, what would you do?
__________________


Harlow 2010 Boxer :: Rider 2012 ACDx :: Tulsa 2014 ACD

http://trailingcattle.blogspot.com/
https://www.facebook.com/trailingcattle
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-29-2013, 08:44 AM
Airn's Avatar
Airn Airn is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Bentonville, AR
Posts: 985
Default

While my dad does not physically abuse me, nor does he 'purposely' emotionally abuse me, he does use material things (money) to show affection for me. However, that is easily turned into "I gave you a new bear statue. Will you help me plant my flowers for the next 6-8 weeks?"

This is a large reason why I'm moving out, since I don't pay him rent I feel I owe him SOMETHING but that doesn't make my SO his slave. (Which is slowly happening.)
(A few months ago we got into an accident and managed to total a scooter. My dad paid for the scooter since we couldn't afford to. He said we (( he actually says my SO owes him money but I quickly explained we're a couple and that's not how things work)) owed him money and we paid him back a few hundred dollars. Then he says "Oh forget about it. It's not a big deal." Yet every time he has some work to do, he says something like "Well this is how you can pay off that scooter bill." Yeah... it's no big deal, allright. Now HOW long are we going to be 'working off that scooter bill'?)

I would think about. Feel him out, if you can. Maybe offer to try a semester... pay for half, pay it back, etc. Set up a contract even?

Because that's a lot of money and I agree that you would probably become attached to him and 'owe' him.

Sometimes it's better to owe money than time.
__________________

Australian Kelpie and Coursing Fiend~ 2
http://fuzzycircus.blogspot.com/
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-29-2013, 08:55 AM
SevenSins's Avatar
SevenSins SevenSins is offline
APBTs & One Crazy Banana
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 277
Default

If this is being proposed as something that HE wants to do with absolutely no strings attached, then I would consider it, but only under contract drawn up by a lawyer and notarized that very specifically states that whatever he is giving is a gift and that no compensation in any form is implied or warranted. Empower yourself and make it difficult for him to manipulate you.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-29-2013, 08:58 AM
nancy2394's Avatar
nancy2394 nancy2394 is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Georgia
Posts: 5,254
Default

Wow, that is a really tough situation to be in. I'm sure you will get different opinions on what to do.

I can't even imagine being verbally abused and physically abused by a parent. My dad was never a big part of my life growing up. He was physically part of the family in the sense of physically being in the household, but he was not a "dad" to us kids until we grew up. My mom was the one there for us. I wanted my dad to be a real dad my whole childhood. I was so jealous of my friends that had a loving father involved in their life. I have a close relationship with my dad now because he changed over the years. He learned to show a softer side. He is a much better grandfather than father. I didn't think it would ever be possible for him to show love or have a loving relationship with a child. But something changed in him and a different person emerged over the years.

If your dad offered to pay for your schooling with "no strings attached" Maybe he is trying to change. Is there a chance he is trying to reconcile with you? Sometimes people don't realize what they've lost in their lives until it's gone. I don't know you, nor do I know your dad. I would never tell you what you should do in a situation like this. I would just hate to see you keep your wall you built up between the two of you out of necessity if he has changed and is taking the first step to try and mend the relationship.

Is there a way you could set boundaries and make it clear what your expectations are with him? Make it clear what you will accept and not accept in the relationship.

If your gut tells you it's not safe to mend the relationship, then I would go with your gut because your safety and well being are the most important. But if you think there's a chance you can start over and achieve a "normal" father relationship.... it might be worth a try.
__________________
If anyone is interested in hair bows or headbands.... please click on my link and browse through my selection of hand made ones I've got available. I also do custom ones to meet your needs

Facebook link to Nancys creations:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Nan...28615003818171
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-29-2013, 09:29 AM
milos_mommy's Avatar
milos_mommy milos_mommy is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,570
Default

I'm not sure what I would do - I have a similar situation with my Dad (verbally abusive to his children, physically abusive to my mother) and haven't spoken to him in almost 10 years. He was court ordered to pay for my college expenses, but he didn't.

I think about getting back in touch with him almost every day. I really, really wish I had a relationship with him, even if it wasn't a typical father-daughter one. However, I know that if I try, he will use me and everything I say and do to try to control and harass my mother.

I don't know your dad...I don't know if he's trying to make up for his mistakes, genuinely, or if he is trying to manipulate you. If you do let him pay for school, you need to think about the fact that he might cut off the money if you don't do what he wants...and how that will affect your living situation, working situation, etc.
__________________
"My favorite color is green, green like newly cut grass. When it comes to green with envy, though, you can stick it up your @ss!" ~ Grammy



http://www.adorablebeasts.blogspot.com
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-29-2013, 10:31 AM
joce's Avatar
joce joce is online now
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4,182
Default

I'd say no,unless he put all of the money it would cost for your college into an account for you upfront.

My husbands parents used to pull this all the time with him. There only control is money so its what they use. His dad and him had a horrible relationship for years and his mom was just as bad really. They paid for his sisters school(central michigan which I hear is not cheap) a house for her to rent, bought her cars and paid all of her bills. This went on for over five years, Chaz was just slowly doing community college but we had zero money then so it was hard. Every year or so his parents would be like"well pay, sign up for a full course load". It NEVER happened. EVER. The time would come for payment and they would say while you did this or that and I don't think we should give you money. And those things were something like not coming over for new years!!!

I could rant all day about this. He could and would have finished school quick with help. His sister dropped out and just finished school two semesters ago for something different when she should have been done over seven years ago.

There are always strings attached with family like this. I know that sounds incredibly negative but you have to go by there history. People really don't change.
__________________


If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain
dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few
persons -James Thurber
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-29-2013, 10:33 AM
meepitsmeagan's Avatar
meepitsmeagan meepitsmeagan is online now
Meagan&TheCattleDogCrew
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Southwest Michigan
Posts: 2,654
Default

Thanks guys... It really has been a difficult situation. I struggle with the non-existent/bad relationship I have with my dad everyday.

From what I've heard, he hasn't changed at all. :/

I do worry about him taking away my funding, so I will definitely get in touch with a lawyer, and I've also thought about having him put everything I would need into one of those "College Savings Plan" account things instead of him paying semester by semester.
__________________


Harlow 2010 Boxer :: Rider 2012 ACDx :: Tulsa 2014 ACD

http://trailingcattle.blogspot.com/
https://www.facebook.com/trailingcattle
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-29-2013, 10:36 AM
Paige's Avatar
Paige Paige is offline
Let it be
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 7,359
Default

I have no real advice just that personally no amount of money/gift/help is worth my mental state. I have a lot on my plate that requires me to be very emotionally and mentally strong. Anything threatening that is NOT worth it.

If you feel like it's going to take a toll on your mental health from my perspective it would be a no brainer NO! However, if it is truly no strings attached that is a different story.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-29-2013, 10:51 AM
AdrianneIsabel's Avatar
AdrianneIsabel AdrianneIsabel is offline
Glutton for Crazy
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 8,893
Default

I would take it after being sure of the terms and if I agreed with them.
__________________
Sloan von Krigbaum IPO1 CGC BH CD NA NJ PD MJ-N RATI RATN 3/7/10 -
Shamoo NJ-N RATI RATN 3/1/98 -
Phelan du Loups du Soleil CGC RATI 6/15/13 -
Chili Brigades Brover 5/23/14 -

Arnold CGC TDI FD 6/29/04 - 07/05/13
Backup CGC HIC CD SRD SJ-N RATI 12/29/09 - 07/05/13

You were amazing, we did amazing things.


Harmony Canine, relationship based training.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-29-2013, 10:59 AM
Julee's Avatar
Julee Julee is online now
Aware
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Kent, CT
Posts: 2,868
Default

I really like the idea of putting it in an account and having a contract type deal.
__________________
If it makes you happy, and makes you proud, it's a pretty good investment.



Equinox Shadow Of A Hero CGC "Shadow"
Equinox Ain't No Rest For The Wicked CGC "Embyr"
Equinox Play Me Some Mountain Music "Copper"
Equinox Don't Feed It After Midnight "Bloo"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:50 PM.


1997-2013 Chazhound Dog Site