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Old 04-29-2013, 09:30 AM
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meepitsmeagan meepitsmeagan is offline
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Default What would you do in this situation?

So... I haven't really said much on here about the relationship with my dad other than it is bad. It was years of emotional abuse, put downs, and ended with physical abuse. That's where I moved out and cut off all forms of communication. I haven't spoken to, or seen my dad in two years give or take.

Now, my mother and my sister and I are still all good. My sister got really sick a few weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. Apparently, my mom and my dad (who are divorced) were talking, and my dad said that he wanted to pay for college, no strings attached. My dad has always used money as a form of control, so I automatically seized up when she was telling me about it, but now that I've had some time to think, I'm having a raging internal debate. Mom says I should take it, Josh says I should think about it.

I think that he is either feeling guilty, or is trying to manipulate me. I feel like if I take this opportunity, I'm going to feel obligated to get back in touch with him. However, I also REALLY want to go back to school.. and this would give me a super opportunity to crank it out faster than what Josh and I would be able to afford.

So, based on this, what would you do?

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Old 04-29-2013, 09:44 AM
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Airn Airn is offline
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While my dad does not physically abuse me, nor does he 'purposely' emotionally abuse me, he does use material things (money) to show affection for me. However, that is easily turned into "I gave you a new bear statue. Will you help me plant my flowers for the next 6-8 weeks?"

This is a large reason why I'm moving out, since I don't pay him rent I feel I owe him SOMETHING but that doesn't make my SO his slave. (Which is slowly happening.)
(A few months ago we got into an accident and managed to total a scooter. My dad paid for the scooter since we couldn't afford to. He said we (( he actually says my SO owes him money but I quickly explained we're a couple and that's not how things work)) owed him money and we paid him back a few hundred dollars. Then he says "Oh forget about it. It's not a big deal." Yet every time he has some work to do, he says something like "Well this is how you can pay off that scooter bill." Yeah... it's no big deal, allright. Now HOW long are we going to be 'working off that scooter bill'?)

I would think about. Feel him out, if you can. Maybe offer to try a semester... pay for half, pay it back, etc. Set up a contract even?

Because that's a lot of money and I agree that you would probably become attached to him and 'owe' him.

Sometimes it's better to owe money than time.
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Old 04-29-2013, 09:55 AM
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SevenSins SevenSins is offline
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If this is being proposed as something that HE wants to do with absolutely no strings attached, then I would consider it, but only under contract drawn up by a lawyer and notarized that very specifically states that whatever he is giving is a gift and that no compensation in any form is implied or warranted. Empower yourself and make it difficult for him to manipulate you.
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Old 04-29-2013, 09:58 AM
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nancy2394 nancy2394 is offline
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Wow, that is a really tough situation to be in. I'm sure you will get different opinions on what to do.

I can't even imagine being verbally abused and physically abused by a parent. My dad was never a big part of my life growing up. He was physically part of the family in the sense of physically being in the household, but he was not a "dad" to us kids until we grew up. My mom was the one there for us. I wanted my dad to be a real dad my whole childhood. I was so jealous of my friends that had a loving father involved in their life. I have a close relationship with my dad now because he changed over the years. He learned to show a softer side. He is a much better grandfather than father. I didn't think it would ever be possible for him to show love or have a loving relationship with a child. But something changed in him and a different person emerged over the years.

If your dad offered to pay for your schooling with "no strings attached" Maybe he is trying to change. Is there a chance he is trying to reconcile with you? Sometimes people don't realize what they've lost in their lives until it's gone. I don't know you, nor do I know your dad. I would never tell you what you should do in a situation like this. I would just hate to see you keep your wall you built up between the two of you out of necessity if he has changed and is taking the first step to try and mend the relationship.

Is there a way you could set boundaries and make it clear what your expectations are with him? Make it clear what you will accept and not accept in the relationship.

If your gut tells you it's not safe to mend the relationship, then I would go with your gut because your safety and well being are the most important. But if you think there's a chance you can start over and achieve a "normal" father relationship.... it might be worth a try.
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Old 04-29-2013, 10:29 AM
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milos_mommy milos_mommy is offline
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I'm not sure what I would do - I have a similar situation with my Dad (verbally abusive to his children, physically abusive to my mother) and haven't spoken to him in almost 10 years. He was court ordered to pay for my college expenses, but he didn't.

I think about getting back in touch with him almost every day. I really, really wish I had a relationship with him, even if it wasn't a typical father-daughter one. However, I know that if I try, he will use me and everything I say and do to try to control and harass my mother.

I don't know your dad...I don't know if he's trying to make up for his mistakes, genuinely, or if he is trying to manipulate you. If you do let him pay for school, you need to think about the fact that he might cut off the money if you don't do what he wants...and how that will affect your living situation, working situation, etc.
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Old 04-29-2013, 11:31 AM
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joce joce is offline
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I'd say no,unless he put all of the money it would cost for your college into an account for you upfront.

My husbands parents used to pull this all the time with him. There only control is money so its what they use. His dad and him had a horrible relationship for years and his mom was just as bad really. They paid for his sisters school(central michigan which I hear is not cheap) a house for her to rent, bought her cars and paid all of her bills. This went on for over five years, Chaz was just slowly doing community college but we had zero money then so it was hard. Every year or so his parents would be like"well pay, sign up for a full course load". It NEVER happened. EVER. The time would come for payment and they would say while you did this or that and I don't think we should give you money. And those things were something like not coming over for new years!!!

I could rant all day about this. He could and would have finished school quick with help. His sister dropped out and just finished school two semesters ago for something different when she should have been done over seven years ago.

There are always strings attached with family like this. I know that sounds incredibly negative but you have to go by there history. People really don't change.

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Old 04-29-2013, 11:33 AM
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meepitsmeagan meepitsmeagan is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Southwest Michigan
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Thanks guys... It really has been a difficult situation. I struggle with the non-existent/bad relationship I have with my dad everyday.

From what I've heard, he hasn't changed at all. :/

I do worry about him taking away my funding, so I will definitely get in touch with a lawyer, and I've also thought about having him put everything I would need into one of those "College Savings Plan" account things instead of him paying semester by semester.

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Old 04-29-2013, 11:36 AM
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Paige Paige is offline
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I have no real advice just that personally no amount of money/gift/help is worth my mental state. I have a lot on my plate that requires me to be very emotionally and mentally strong. Anything threatening that is NOT worth it.

If you feel like it's going to take a toll on your mental health from my perspective it would be a no brainer NO! However, if it is truly no strings attached that is a different story.
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Old 04-29-2013, 11:51 AM
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AdrianneIsabel AdrianneIsabel is offline
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I would take it after being sure of the terms and if I agreed with them.
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Old 04-29-2013, 11:59 AM
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Julee Julee is offline
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I really like the idea of putting it in an account and having a contract type deal.

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