When you have a disagreement/fight with your SO...

[ACooper]

Originally Posted by sparks19

..........IMO, there is no single guilty party. If we argue we hold equal reaponsibility for te argument

Ya, sometimes that's true.......and sometimes the cause of an arguement/disagreement can be TOTALLY one person's fault.

It takes 2 to argue, but sometimes you only need ONE to do something hurtful, mean or decietful to get it going and in that case, YES there is one person who needs to own it.

[Fran101]

We have to apologize and say why we are sorry.
90% of the time, we BOTH apologize because usually, it's a thing we've both done or we are sorry for something we've said or done while fighting or something lol

We have gone to bed angry. We both share that kind of "let sit when angry" character trait. As in, if we are angry, we need SPACE AND TIME to think.
Keep poking me, I will explode. It will get A LOT worse if I am prodded continually and made to talk about it if I'm not ready or haven't had time to cool off and get rational.

I am worse when tired. I'm like a toddler when tired, it just turns into a tantrum. I can't be reasoned with when sleep deprived.

It usually ends up like this.. (shouty capitals)

"WELL IM GOING TO SLEEP BECAUSE IM TIRED!"
"FINE!"
"FINE"
"WE WILL DEAL WITH THIS TOMORROW!"
"FINE"
....
"..still love you."
"..love you too"
" I hate fighting"
"me too"
"Well then stop doing stupid things"
"I DID NOT! UGH STOP IT! IM TIRED"
"fine."
"fine."
"fine."
"FINE!"
"FINE!"


We wake up the next morning refreshed and had time to cool off and actually THINK about what to say/what the other person was saying.. it usually goes a lot better the next day.

We do share one major rule
-Nobody is allowed to storm off angry and leave.
We both grew up with parents who were volatile with each other and used to storm off and just leave the home and it affected us both. Nobody is allowed to leave and drive off upset.
You want space? Fine. Time? Great. But no leaving.

[Shai]

I definitely leave when I am mad and upset but more likely I'm stressed in general or over work or just need space for a while to go back to being me...not mad any someone in particular. But I don't just vanish...it's more of a concrete, "I'm going for a run/walk at X park and will be back in an hour or two."

Never really thought about my leaving being potentially upsetting...it's usually because I desperately need to recharge and don't want to pick a fight or snap reflexively so I've just developed the habit of preemptively removing myself from polite company until I am back to normal . We don't have kids though and I have (when calm) sat down with hubby to explain why I do that so hopefully I'm not creating issues... eep.

[sparks19]

Originally Posted by ACooper

Ya, sometimes that's true.......and sometimes the cause of an arguement/disagreement can be TOTALLY one person's fault.

It takes 2 to argue, but sometimes you only need ONE to do something hurtful, mean or decietful to get it going and in that case, YES there is one person who needs to own it.

I agree that the cause of an argument can be one persons actions but that doesn't give the other person a free pass to yell, scream, maybe say some mean things, and act out. One person may have been the cause and have to apologize for that but if I act out and say hurtful things(even if I didn't think they would be hurtful words at the time) I certainly need to apologize too.

[CharlieDog]

Originally Posted by Fran101

We have to apologize and say why we are sorry.
90% of the time, we BOTH apologize because usually, it's a thing we've both done or we are sorry for something we've said or done while fighting or something lol

We have gone to bed angry. We both share that kind of "let sit when angry" character trait. As in, if we are angry, we need SPACE AND TIME to think.
Keep poking me, I will explode. It will get A LOT worse if I am prodded continually and made to talk about it if I'm not ready or haven't had time to cool off and get rational.

I am worse when tired. I'm like a toddler when tired, it just turns into a tantrum. I can't be reasoned with when sleep deprived.

It usually ends up like this.. (shouty capitals)

"WELL IM GOING TO SLEEP BECAUSE IM TIRED!"
"FINE!"
"FINE"
"WE WILL DEAL WITH THIS TOMORROW!"
"FINE"
....
"..still love you."
"..love you too"
" I hate fighting"
"me too"
"Well then stop doing stupid things"
"I DID NOT! UGH STOP IT! IM TIRED"
"fine."
"fine."
"fine."
"FINE!"
"FINE!"


We wake up the next morning refreshed and had time to cool off and actually THINK about what to say/what the other person was saying.. it usually goes a lot better the next day.

We do share one major rule
-Nobody is allowed to storm off angry and leave.
We both grew up with parents who were volatile with each other and used to storm off and just leave the home and it affected us both. Nobody is allowed to leave and drive off upset.
You want space? Fine. Time? Great. But no leaving.

For the most part this is how we argue lol. It doesn't happen often, but we try not to go to bed angry, and we really try hard not to leave the house angry but...

Originally Posted by Shai

I definitely leave when I am mad and upset but more likely I'm stressed in general or over work or just need space for a while to go back to being me...not mad any someone in particular. But I don't just vanish...it's more of a concrete, "I'm going for a run/walk at X park and will be back in an hour or two."

Never really thought about my leaving being potentially upsetting...it's usually because I desperately need to recharge and don't want to pick a fight or snap reflexively so I've just developed the habit of preemptively removing myself from polite company until I am back to normal . We don't have kids though and I have (when calm) sat down with hubby to explain why I do that so hopefully I'm not creating issues... eep.

This. Sometimes I just need him to leave or I need to leave or things are going to get thrown across the room.

I think that's happened all of, like twice in seven years though lol. For the most part we're both mature enough to say "I was wrong for XYZ, and I am really sorry for hurting your feelings, ect"

[Fran101]

Originally Posted by Shai

I definitely leave when I am mad and upset but more likely I'm stressed in general or over work or just need space for a while to go back to being me...not mad any someone in particular. But I don't just vanish...it's more of a concrete, "I'm going for a run/walk at X park and will be back in an hour or two."

Never really thought about my leaving being potentially upsetting...it's usually because I desperately need to recharge and don't want to pick a fight or snap reflexively so I've just developed the habit of preemptively removing myself from polite company until I am back to normal . We don't have kids though and I have (when calm) sat down with hubby to explain why I do that so hopefully I'm not creating issues... eep.

We totally say things like "I'm going for a walk, I'll be back in an hour" or "I'm going to the library/coffee shop/office, I need to cool off.. I'll be back in a few hours"
I sometimes go to the zoo. Because I'm weird like that lol
Especially in an apartment lol the space thing can be hard. Sometimes you just need to get OUT.
That I totally get.

I meant more of a storming out/driving off issue/vanishing thing. We both have got a bit of abandonment issues in that respect.
As in oh she/he left.. never coming back/sick with worry/freak out... kind of thing. Which only makes things worse.

I phrased it badly.. you are totally allowed to LEAVE
you just aren't allowed to vanish.

[Taqroy]

Originally Posted by sillysally

I actually tend to calm down and get more rational when I have slept on an argument.

Same here. Plus if we're fighting over something stupid we are much more likely to be rational if we stop poking at each other. The longer I'm in a fight the more mad I get and the more likely I am to say something stupid/irrational/hurtful. I don't like getting to that point, its much better to take a break so I can keep my stupid in check.

[stardogs]

I *can't* go to bed mad. I physically can't sleep with something unresolved like that.

That being said, I've really had to adjust to DH's argument style - he's an introvert and is NOT good at thinking on his feet, so it's much better if he gets a chance to think things over on his own for a bit before finishing a discussion. Me, however, I'm very fast on my feet in an argument and don't like to drop it until all is resolved, but my anger is really fleeting. Both of us hate being wrong, tho.

Initially, I thought DH was stewing over the argument when he went silent (that's what my parents did, sometimes for hours), but now I know it's him thinking and if I just let him do that we can reach a resolution much faster.

We haven't had an actual yelling type argument in probably 2 years now, just some heated exchanges where words were sharp, but not loud.

[Fran101]

What's really awesome about my messed up brain is that..

1. If you yell at me, I will cry
2. If I yell at you, I will cry

guaranteed.
It makes for interesting arguments lol my body does NOT respond well to hostility.

My SO has a theory that this is my body's defense mechanism. As someone who avoids confrontation at all costs.. like a dog who goes on his back or that lizard that shoots blood out of it's eye or a possum who fakes dead..

NOBODY wants to fight the crying girl

[xpaeanx]

No need for gifts here.... But he will usually bring me flowers.

Honestly, it's kind of ruined the whole getting flowers thing. I don't want gifts bc you were an ass. I want you to realize you were an ass and not do it again. LOL.

But, we don't really fight about anything. Occasionally we'll kind of annoy each other though. LOL.