Need "family" advice.

[milos_mommy]

My "sister" (half-sister) who I haven't seen or had much contact with in the past 8+ years has recently sent me a long, somewhat heartfelt message.

The Back Story:

When I was 9, my parents sat me down and read a letter from a 16 year old girl claiming my father was her father. At the time, I was under the impression my father didn't know about her until then, and he claimed he "loved her" she was "his daughter" and he wanted a relationship with her. She came to visit once with her parents (Mom and stepdad who raised her) and baby sister, then came to spend the weekend. I was excited, but when she arrived, she wasn't very nice to me, we had nothing in common, and I didn't have a very high opinion of her attitude or lifestyle. We went to a waterpark with her and her friend, she was again, pretty rude, and I didn't see her for a long time after that.

My parents hadn't gotten along since I was very young, and this, among other things, was the breaking point. During their nasty divorce, I learned that not only did my father know about his daughter, but his entire family and friends did as well, and he abandoned her at a few months old (right before he met my mom) and hid it from my family.

A few years later, I heard from my sister again....she was getting married, and wanted myself and my brother, and my father, in the wedding party. She then told us she was pregnant. She was 18. I acted as a bridesmaid, at 12, for a girl I did not know, in front of people I did not know, and I was NOT happy about it. My father bought her lavish wedding and baby presents, and we went to her shower and I met my nephew. Then she stopped calling and coming around. I broke off contact with my abusive stepmother and father.

She friended me on FB shortly after, and since we had no mutual friends, she must have looked me up. She had pictures of her baby with captions like "My LiL NiGGa" and it was no mystery why we never got along. We never spoke.

Years later, I moved to NYC, and she lived in Queens. I sent her a message and asked if she'd like to get together. We corresponded on FB a bit, she told me she had gotten her master's in special education, and seemed WAY more mature. Then we just stopped messaging. For the past three years, our relationship has been occasionally liking each other's FB posts and comments like "good luck!" or "that looks delicious". She posts a ton of stuff about GMO food, monsanto, and various radical political opinions (many of which I agree with). But she's also a member of a large amount of sketchy looking conspiracy theorist groups.

She saw on instagram that I'm pregnant, and sent me a message. She said she didn't want me to think it's because of the baby, but she's always regretted not having a relationship with me and she's sorry nothing ever came of us talking a few years ago. She asked if I'd meet her for lunch one day (she lives over an hour away by train). I feel bad not acknowledging her...but I just....to be honest, I just don't care. We don't have the same family. Her parents are not my parents. Her sister is not my sister. She hasn't spoken to my brother in 10 years. I don't know her, and I don't care to. Not because there's something wrong with her (she might be a little odd, but who isn't.)...I'm just not interested.

My baby is going to have very, very little extended family. He or she is going to have me, my brother (who I'm not super-close with either, I love him, but we don't often hang out or talk), and my racist, homophobic, tax-evading, relationship-challenged parents. No cousins. No aunties. No extra grandparents to balance out the first set of crazy ones. If I establish a relationship with my sister, my kid would at least have that. Do I suck it up and make nice with her because 1) she wants me to and I don't have a good reason NOT to, and 2) it's the right thing for my child?

If you read this novel, you're a saint. Seriously.

[JessLough]

I really don't have any advice. I mean, I grew up with a very large extended family, and my cousins were a huge part of my life, and I loved it. But, their parents also weren't toxic people that were making my parents miserable. If you're not happy with the relationship, it's just not going to be there.

[milos_mommy]

The thing is, my sister is by no means a toxic person. She was a bratty teenager (and I don't really blame her, she was shoved into a house in the suburbs with the crappy dad who abandoned her and his new family) and rude to me when we were kids, but for the small bit we have talked, she's always respected my (lack of a) relationship with my father and never been difficult to get along with or remotely rude to me as an adult.

[sparks19]

I would meet with her and see how it goes... IF you are OK with that. If a relationship develops and you guys become friends, great, if not I wouldn't force it for the sake of the baby.

[Romy]

It's really up to you. I'm of the mind that real true friends and family that loves you are worth more than anything in this world. And when someone extends a hand of friendship, it's generally worth at least giving it a try because you never know. It sounds like she's changed a lot, and that a lot of her behavior early on had a lot to do with the fact that she was a kid and the way she was being raised wasn't the greatest.

[Torch]

Originally Posted by Romy

It's really up to you. I'm of the mind that real true friends and family that loves you are worth more than anything in this world. And when someone extends a hand of friendship, it's generally worth at least giving it a try because you never know. It sounds like she's changed a lot, and that a lot of her behavior early on had a lot to do with the fact that she was a kid and the way she was being raised wasn't the greatest.

Great post.

[Dizzy]

People change and mature. Why not give it a whirl? Nothing to stop you NOT seeing her again if she's still a tool.

[sassafras]

Originally Posted by sparks19

I would meet with her and see how it goes... IF you are OK with that. If a relationship develops and you guys become friends, great, if not I wouldn't force it for the sake of the baby.

Agreed. I would give it a chance, but just be prepared for it to work or not to work.

[Fran101]

Originally Posted by Dizzy

People change and mature. Why not give it a whirl? Nothing to stop you NOT seeing her again if she's still a tool.

Yup. If nothing else.. do lunch or coffee (both can be long if you want it to be, and can be REALLY short if you want it to be lol)

If she still sucks.. oh well. you tried. and if not.. who knows? perhaps your family could be a bit bigger

[Kimbers]

I agree with what pretty much everyone else has posted. Definitely wouldn't force a relationship for the baby, but it doesn't hurt to see if there can be a friendship, especially since she made it a point to open the door.