Family drama, don't know what to do?

[Babyblue5290]

Gosh, I don't know what to do or feel right now.

My mother texted me saying my father was in the hospital and he may have cancer, upon many other issues, and that he just got out of the hospital. They want to come and visit me next weekend. I don't know what to say. I know you guys don't really know much backstory, and I can't really give you much, except to say our relationship has been very rocky. I left their home a long time ago because of his "anger" issues as he likes to put it. But he seems to be trying to change from the little we've communicated with each other via my mother. I've talked to my mother on facebook a bit and text to see how things where going. i've even been to their house once or twice in the recent past, but he was never there.

Part of me is kinda glad it's him in the hospital for once instead of my mother, but the other part of me is sad to hear he is sick. Part of me wants to hold onto the horrible childhood memories, but the other part see's that he's trying to change and that maybe I should give him a chance.

I just don't know. I'm so conflicted. David won't be there with me, it will just be me and my sister. She refuses to see him, she said she will leave for a day if I want to see him, but then I'll be alone with them and me. I'm not really afraid of him or anything, it's more the drama. ARG I just don't know.

[milos_mommy]

My advice on dealing with family drama is typically: get really far away from it.

My advice this time? Go visit him.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. A lot of people aren't. Your dad, like my dad, sounds like one of those people.

From this thread...it doesn't sound like he hates you (or you hate him) or he's a generally horribly toxic person who will say horrid things about you or to you the minute you walk into the room. "Anger issues" is giving me the impression that he simply can't handle his anger very well and becomes aggressive when he's irritated or angered. Not that he's 100% a bad person, or that if he's hospitalized and you go to visit him, it will automatically go badly and be draining for you. If that's the case, I'd say go to the hospital (maybe call HIM directly first, and tell him you heard he was in the hospital and you're sorry he's unwell and want to visit - get an idea of how he feels about that), and visit, briefly. If he's rude, mean, angry, or unpleasant, leave.

Not only is probably hard on your dad to be unwell, it's likely really draining and stressful on your mom. So even if you only visit your dad for a few minutes, it would be a good idea to go support your mom.

[crazedACD]

Sorry to hear that.

You may want to see him 'before it's too late' so to speak. If something were to happen you may really regret not giving him a second chance to make amends. If he's trying to change and knows what he's done to hurt you, maybe seeing him again won't be so bad. At least you will know for sure if you want to continue seeing him on occasion or not.

My stepdad (pretty much real dad) became a raging...I mean a raging alcoholic when I was around 18. His behavior was totally inappropriate (not physically abusive) and he was not easy to be around. When he hit rock bottom and started in AA...I really didn't have any intention of continuing to have a relationship with him. He has been sober for years now and things have gotten infinitely better. The memories of that time period still stick and I am still guarded but overall I am fine seeing him and going out to eat, chatting with him, and so forth. He has definitely tried to 'buy' my forgiveness (which I do not ask for) but overall he is OK. I don't think a lot of people can change very easily but it's always good to give them a second chance.

[Babyblue5290]

Originally Posted by milos_mommy

My advice on dealing with family drama is typically: get really far away from it.

My advice this time? Go visit him.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. A lot of people aren't. Your dad, like my dad, sounds like one of those people.

From this thread...it doesn't sound like he hates you (or you hate him) or he's a generally horribly toxic person who will say horrid things about you or to you the minute you walk into the room. "Anger issues" is giving me the impression that he simply can't handle his anger very well and becomes aggressive when he's irritated or angered. Not that he's 100% a bad person, or that if he's hospitalized and you go to visit him, it will automatically go badly and be draining for you. If that's the case, I'd say go to the hospital (maybe call HIM directly first, and tell him you heard he was in the hospital and you're sorry he's unwell and want to visit - get an idea of how he feels about that), and visit, briefly. If he's rude, mean, angry, or unpleasant, leave.

Not only is probably hard on your dad to be unwell, it's likely really draining and stressful on your mom. So even if you only visit your dad for a few minutes, it would be a good idea to go support your mom.

No I don't think he hates me or generally is a toxic person. He is a good person to everyone except pretty much his direct family he directs his anger at. He has a hairpin trigger though.

The main problem is he would be visiting me. There's no way I could make it there right now, I just moved up here and to get where they are is a long drive with school about to start and money being an issue it's not going to happen. They would be coming up here. Which means they would then know my new address (which I guess isn't a big deal), and we would be in my apartment visit. I can't leave if I wanted to, I'd have to tell them to leave and hope they listened.

Originally Posted by crazedACD

Sorry to hear that.

You may want to see him 'before it's too late' so to speak. If something were to happen you may really regret not giving him a second chance to make amends. If he's trying to change and knows what he's done to hurt you, maybe seeing him again won't be so bad. At least you will know for sure if you want to continue seeing him on occasion or not.

My stepdad (pretty much real dad) became a raging...I mean a raging alcoholic when I was around 18. His behavior was totally inappropriate (not physically abusive) and he was not easy to be around. When he hit rock bottom and started in AA...I really didn't have any intention of continuing to have a relationship with him. He has been sober for years now and things have gotten infinitely better. The memories of that time period still stick and I am still guarded but overall I am fine seeing him and going out to eat, chatting with him, and so forth. He has definitely tried to 'buy' my forgiveness (which I do not ask for) but overall he is OK. I don't think a lot of people can change very easily but it's always good to give them a second chance.

I wouldn't say "he knows what he done to hurt" me, or at least if asked he would deny it 100% with all he had. But he is working on his anger. From what my mother says he hasn't been physically abusive for years and he is working on getting his anger under control and doing well with that for the most part.

You're right. I guess it comes down to how I'd feel if something did happen and I didn't let them visit. And truth be told I'd regret not letting them come down.

[Babyblue5290]

I'm going to let them know they can come for a short visit and hope everything goes well. I have to go, thanks for the advice!

[milos_mommy]

Oh, I misunderstood, I thought your mom wanted you to visit him IN the hospital.

1) Offer to meet them halfway for lunch or dinner? Or if they can drive out to you for dinner and a movie or something, even better!
2) Invite them, but tell them you've got to be somewhere a given period of time after they plan on arriving. That way, if things get bad, you'll have an out.

[release the hounds]

Two things

Don't hang on to anger that you don't have to.

And it doesn't do anybody any good to wait till it's too late to go and see your father.

[ACooper]

Originally Posted by release the hounds

Two things

Don't hang on to anger that you don't have to.

And it doesn't do anybody any good to wait till it's too late to go and see your father.

I agree with not holding on to anger if you CAN let it go........do it.

But I disagree with point number two.

Babyblue, I've been in a similar situation. If YOU want to see him for you/your sake, do it.

If you are agreeing to see him for HIS sake and feelings?....Don't. You reap what you sew. *shrugs*

Either way, I hope things turn out well for YOU.

[Renee750il]

I remember the backstory.

All of it.

I wish you could meet on neutral ground, where you can leave.

Remember, YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE ANY OF THAT. No child possibly could.

Do not, DO NOT allow him to try to excuse himself or place any responsibility for any of it onto you. It is not yours. It is his. All his, and no one else's but his. He had the ability to choose to do those things or not. He was the adult. He was the one in control and he chose to not control himself. He was your FATHER, the one who should protect you from being treated like he treated you. The one who should have been ready to die to keep you safe.

As always, I am so proud of you, in every possible way. <3