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  #11  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:27 PM
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when you say you're open minded, does that mean open relationship or just you try to keep an open mind about things that may come up?
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  #12  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:34 PM
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I would leave. Quickly and in a cloud of dust. He lied. Not just once but multiple times and is continuing to lie after being caught.

I understand relationships are work and require effort, but when one person is a liar, nothing will ever work out. He will continue doing it after this and continue stepping on you. There are plenty of men out there to date and find a decent one that isn't a liar and doesn't have sexual conversations with other women.

*If you were in an open relationship. Then that's a different story. Although I wouldn't forgive the lying.
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  #13  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:42 PM
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I am not bothered about talking to other women *if it is open, mutual, just for fun*. I'm bothered he lied and it was secretive/naughty.

I wouldn't normally share something like this publicly, but I'm in limbo, and a lot of my local friends are his, and own friends are miles away.

I'm wondering what to do.

If I leave I have no home, no Fred, not much of anything. And I do love him.

It's funny. Being on the outside of something REALLY is different to being IN it. It's never so clear!
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  #14  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:45 PM
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Will he agree to sit down and talk about it maybe after you both have had time to think and he doesn't feel defensive?

Maybe then you can decide if you would like to seek someone professional for you both to talk to.
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  #15  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katielou View Post
Will he agree to sit down and talk about it maybe after you both have had time to think and he doesn't feel defensive?

Maybe then you can decide if you would like to seek someone professional for you both to talk to.
He's actually not being defensive. He's being gutted, like you'd imagine. He had two accounts. One normal, one naughty. He's stupid!

He doesn't want me to leave. We shall see what he says.
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  #16  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:52 PM
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Silly boy!
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  #17  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:52 PM
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It sounds like you don't want to leave--which is fine. But with chronic liars, unless something changes big time in the way they view the world, it's going to continue on forever.

I dated a guy for 4 years who was a chronic "don't tell the girlfriend anything that might upset her (i.e. lying by omission)" type guy. It didn't matter how many times I called him on it, how many times I fell apart into tears because he hadn't told me something extremely important, etc...it was his personality, and it wasn't going away.

I would seriously consider communication counseling, so that he can learn how his being so secretive/lying is not a fair part of a relationship, and so that you can learn how to bring up concerns in a productive way.
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  #18  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:53 PM
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If it was my boyfriend...I would be very, very upset. Not only would I consider it a personal betrayal (akin to cheating), I would NOT be able to stand the fact that he hid it from me, and then lied to me about it. I would probably consider counseling. I would also consider leaving.

If I were in your shoes, I would want an honest, indepth discussion about the issue. Why he felt the need to do it, why I was upset, and how are we going to fix the problem and move on.
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  #19  
Old 10-19-2012, 01:54 PM
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I would definitely be upset if I caught my husband chatting dirty to other women online, especially through a dating website. The fact that he lied about it makes it even worse.

I'm really not sure what I would do. It's easier to say "I'd leave" when you're hearing about it from the outside. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years, and I don't think I could leave him over that (even though it would take a long time for me to rebuild my trust when it came to him and other women).

I guess I'd want to know why he did that, and then felt the need to lie about it? Obviously he knew he was doing something wrong and didn't feel sorry, since he lied about it on more than one occasion. I'd be afraid of him doing it again, and his lack of committment.

How long have you been dating? I know you've only recently moved in with him. Do (did) you have plans of getting married?
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  #20  
Old 10-19-2012, 02:12 PM
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If you want to try to work it out, I think you two have to figure out a few things and it may take professional help to do so.

One, what need, exactly is he filling with this activity? Is it as simple as enjoying the attention of women, or getting his rocks off, or is there something deeper? Is he somehow testing your feelings for him? Is they lying just adding to the thrill or does he actually think he did something wrong?

Two, do you want it to stop. And if you do, is he able and willing to stop.

Three, if you want it to stop, and he agrees to stop, what exactly will it take for you to trust him again?
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