What would you do?

[Dizzy]

If you found out your significant other was using dating websites?

Because I just did.... I suspected for a looooooong time, confronted him more than once, but confirmed it tonight. He's lied to my face, and even lied when I confronted him (said it was recent, message history says not). I asked him to give me the username/password which he did.

Fake profile, not even a picture of him. Messages to multiple women. Pictures shared, some long back and forth messages. All naughty stuff, some boring chat.

To clarify, we're pretty open minded, and I'd told him it wouldn't bother me really if I knew about it, and he was open about it, but he lied. Again and again.

I feel totally calm. Mainly because I knew. I knew, and I told him, even when he denied it.

What happens next though? What are you meant to do? He's "sorry", I told him he's sorry he was caught (last message he sent was an hour before I confronted him, I was next door).

We generally have a better relationship than most, I THOUGHT. Open, talk, laugh...

Sorry, I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.... I can't see me leaving him honestly.

I don't hide anything from him. He can even read this if he wants. I have no secrets.

Would you leave someone for messaging other women?

[AllieMackie]

Originally Posted by Dizzy

If you found out your significant other was using dating websites?

Because I just did.... I suspected for a looooooong time, confronted him more than once, but confirmed it tonight. He's lied to my face, and even lied when I confronted him (said it was recent, message history says not). I asked him to give me the username/password which he did.

Fake profile, not even a picture of him. Messages to multiple women. Pictures shared, some long back and forth messages. All naughty stuff, some boring chat.

To clarify, we're pretty open minded, and I'd told him it wouldn't bother me really if I knew about it, and he was open about it, but he lied. Again and again.

I feel totally calm. Mainly because I knew. I knew, and I told him, even when he denied it.

What happens next though? What are you meant to do? He's "sorry", I told him he's sorry he was caught (last message he sent was an hour before I confronted him, I was next door).

We generally have a better relationship than most, I THOUGHT. Open, talk, laugh...

Sorry, I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.... I can't see me leaving him honestly.

I don't hide anything from him. He can even read this if he wants. I have no secrets.

Would you leave someone for messaging other women?

I wouldn't leave someone for messaging other women.

I sure as hell would consider leaving someone if I caught them lying about something like that.

[milos_mommy]

My ex did this.

At this point in my life, I'd walk. Been there, done that, not going down that road again. Do I think messaging women for kicks online is some kind of horrific act of infidelity? No. Lying about it, IMO, is much, much, much worse. And, in my experience, if someone lies about something like that...they're probably lying about a whole lot more.

If he's willing to explain why he's doing it, come clean about it, and consider maybe therapy or helping to come up with a solution to fix it, that's a good sign. If he's still trying to make excuses or not willing to admit whatever effed up self-esteem issues are making him do this, get out of there.

[Dakotah]

I am a jealous type, if you are with me, its me and me only. No need to message or talk to other women in the *naughty* way <<< THAT would make me mad. Talking to another woman is fine, my boyfriend has kids so he talks to their mothers and that is all well and good, but no need to be all "lets go do naughty things to each other in naughty places."

I would talk to him some more. I think it is definitely wrong he lied to you, lying doesn't get anyone anywhere with me, so again I would be pretty upset, more hurt than anything.

Personally, I don't think its the fact that he messaged other women, its the fact that he LIED to you.

Maybe I am looking at this all wrong and me being sick and incredibly ill today doesn't help the situation but still. I put my 2 cents in.
Hopefully y'all can continue to talk about it and possibly come to a crossroads about it?

ETA: The two above me answered it better than me lol

[Dizzy]

Originally Posted by milos_mommy

My ex did this.

At this point in my life, I'd walk. Been there, done that, not going down that road again. Do I think messaging women for kicks online is some kind of horrific act of infidelity? No. Lying about it, IMO, is much, much, much worse. And, in my experience, if someone lies about something like that...they're probably lying about a whole lot more.

If he's willing to explain why he's doing it, come clean about it, and consider maybe therapy or helping to come up with a solution to fix it, that's a good sign. If he's still trying to make excuses or not willing to admit whatever effed up self-esteem issues are making him do this, get out of there.

He's not saying a lot.... He can't really, he's been totally caught out. He's lying because he knows what he's done is wrong and he's trying to cover his tracks. He's been a cock and he knows it.

[Beanie]

If you guys have an open relationship as long as he's honest about it, no, that's not something to leave him over.
BUT since he LIED about it...

Yes. Yes, I would leave him over it. And since you say he's continuing to lie even after he's been caught because he KNOWS what he did was wrong...

I would be gone so fast.

I'm really sorry. =<

[Dizzy]

It's the lying I'm bothered about... I believe in working at stuff, so I'm not packing my bags. I'm wondering how to deal with it. What I need to see from him.

I'll leave him if I need to, I told him that. I don't WANT to though.

I really am feeling calm though. It's almost relieving to know I was right. Just drinking red wine, chilling with the dogs

[Fran27]

Really hard to say without being in your and his shoes to be honest. I guess it depends what kind of future you want with him. And if he's willing to change. I'd have no problem with hubby messaging other women, but purposely going on a dating site to find women there... it would make me uncomfortable. That he lied about it would make me feel even more uncomfortable, like he feels he has something to hide. If he feels he has to hide something from you, it's probably more than just for kicks and to have fun.

I'd definitely try and get to the bottom of it, and why he did that, then lied about it.

[milos_mommy]

I believe in working on stuff, too. If I was in a committed relationship, I wouldn't automatically walk because someone messed up, even cheated, maybe if they lied.

But if he's unwilling to talk about it, and continued to lie about it even when confronted...there's nothing you can do. If he's not willing to work on his issues, or your relationship, you can't work on them alone.

In your position, what I'd need to see from him would be 1) an explanation of why he did it, and why he lied. A GOOD explanation. 2) what he plans on doing to prevent a situation where he feels the need to lie to you again. 3) What you can do to help him control his behavior

[CaliTerp07]

If it were us, in our marriage, we'd probably seek counseling. If I had found out before we were married...I'm not sure I would have stuck around. The lying is pretty hurtful.