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  #61  
Old 10-12-2012, 10:26 PM
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Private adoptions I believe are different. If you find someone you know through the grapevine that is pregnant.. It's not really THAT expensive a process.
but yea, the whole domestic adoption through agencies/government and all is very expensive. Which sucks. I think the whole process needs a re-vamp.

Chances are MUCH HIGHER in this hypothetical that "you"/the birth mother would be the one to back out. It happens all the time. Which is why people tend to shy away from private adoptions (especially after those people have paid your rent, med care, prepared for this baby etc..)

The healthy babies from healthy pregnant educated (no drug/alcohol history) women looking to find adoptive parents from their unborn child (commonly young students.Juno style) ...those, in comparison to kids in foster care for example, go like hotcakes. You can basically take your pick of families. If you go to an agency while still pregnant you can search through a bunch of waiting potential families and take your pick. As well as perks like medical expenses covered etc..

Oh and if you are white? Winner winner chicken dinner.
Sad but true.
So do the potential adoptive parents pay rent, food, medical care as a type of wine and dining? Or is that kinda just...what they're supposed to do?

That seems weird to me. Unless the mom is financially strapped, why couldn't they pay their own rent? Obviously they were somehow managing before... I can see where medical coverage would be useful, because you want future baby of yours to be as healthy as possible.

This is all very...foreign, to me. Interesting, but...odd.
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  #62  
Old 10-12-2012, 10:31 PM
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I'm "white" (Danish/Scottish/Cherokee Indian), but I don't care one iota what "color" (race/ethnicity) a child is. A child is a child is a child. They all need parents. They all need acceptance. And they all need love.
Oh, I meant in term of women putting their babies up for adoption..the truth is that white babies have a much easier time at getting adopted/longer waiting lists. Not that they are somehow "better" or anything of course lol I think either way, as you said, a child is a child.

If faced with the decision, I probably would go the private adoption route. I was once told by a fertility hospital (I was there to get my eggs checked) that if I DID get pregnant, my babies would be highly adoptable and my eggs were in high demand... weird I know.
Turns out mixed race tan babies are the new thing I suppose
I think it's just such a ridiculous concept. She went as far as to BEG me to come back for a consultation.. why? She knew nothing about me. But hey caramel colored skin!! It's so odd.
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  #63  
Old 10-12-2012, 10:41 PM
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So do the potential adoptive parents pay rent, food, medical care as a type of wine and dining? Or is that kinda just...what they're supposed to do?

That seems weird to me. Unless the mom is financially strapped, why couldn't they pay their own rent? Obviously they were somehow managing before... I can see where medical coverage would be useful, because you want future baby of yours to be as healthy as possible.

This is all very...foreign, to me. Interesting, but...odd.
I'm not that familiar with it honestly. I know it isn't required. It's just one of those..things that hopeful parents can do to sweeten the deal I guess.
trouble is, there is no legal way to deal with it/get all that spent money back if the mother backs out. Which is an issue that happens a lot.

I think paying medical expenses is more of a standard. The other stuff I think is just..grey area.
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  #64  
Old 10-13-2012, 12:49 AM
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Oh, I meant in term of women putting their babies up for adoption..the truth is that white babies have a much easier time at getting adopted/longer waiting lists. Not that they are somehow "better" or anything of course lol I think either way, as you said, a child is a child.

I knew what you meant. I think I was responding to something else. ??

But, regardless, you are correct. We were even told it would be easier and faster to get a child of another race, which I do find sad. I don't get how anyone can look at a baby's or young child's face (or, let's face it, anyone's face) and see something different depending on the color of the skin. I thank God my parents raised us to recognize people by their names and not their skin color (I was so naive, I knew people had different color skin, but I didn't understand the issue behind it all until I was in middle school. I had friends of all races/ethnicities, and none of us girls ever got the memo we were supposed to know we were all "different". lol)


If faced with the decision, I probably would go the private adoption route. I was once told by a fertility hospital (I was there to get my eggs checked) that if I DID get pregnant, my babies would be highly adoptable and my eggs were in high demand... weird I know.
Turns out mixed race tan babies are the new thing I suppose
I think it's just such a ridiculous concept. She went as far as to BEG me to come back for a consultation.. why? She knew nothing about me. But hey caramel colored skin!! It's so odd.
My reply in red.
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  #65  
Old 10-13-2012, 06:29 AM
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So do the potential adoptive parents pay rent, food, medical care as a type of wine and dining? Or is that kinda just...what they're supposed to do?

That seems weird to me. Unless the mom is financially strapped, why couldn't they pay their own rent? Obviously they were somehow managing before... I can see where medical coverage would be useful, because you want future baby of yours to be as healthy as possible.

This is all very...foreign, to me. Interesting, but...odd.
It depends. A lot of states allow the potential adoptive parents to pay for a lot of stuff It's awful. We purposely went with an agency that didn't allow a lot at all, just rent for 2 months if really needed. But I mean if they place their baby for adoption, they're usually financially strapped, you know? But I don't think the potential adoptive parents should pay the bill... just seems too close to baby buying for comfort for me.

The reasons adoptions are so expensive is that it's sadly pretty much a business. Even for 'non profit' agencies, they have to pay rent, their employees, they do some advertising, they do help expectant mothers with lodging, transport and things like that... legal fees are not cheap either (it was $2500 for finalization alone). It adds up. Plus $1500 for the homestudy. If you find someone on your own (which a lot of people do), you just pay attorney fees pretty much (some states require an agency though), and it can be as low as $8k.

Mia, there's a lot of factors to consider about race honestly. It's not about us, it's about the kind of life you can give to your child. Some people don't want everyone to look at them in the street and want a child that 'looks like them'. Some people don't want their kid to be the only black kid in school. Some people have family members who are not that open minded and don't want the child to be judged or treated differently because of that. For us it was a bit of everything. If we were to adopt now, with hubby's parents mostly gone and now that we live in a more diverse area, I wouldn't think twice about being open to race.
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  #66  
Old 10-13-2012, 09:52 AM
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Fran, I wasn't judging anyone by any means.
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  #67  
Old 10-13-2012, 10:13 AM
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As horrific I think it is that skin color is even still a factor in adoptions, I would absolutely understand why white parents might want to adopt only a white child...just because someone isn't racist doesn't mean they're ready or able to help a child cope with all the racism around in the world...especially if the parents have never dealt with it directly themselves.
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  #68  
Old 10-13-2012, 10:26 AM
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I can't speak how other places work in terms of adoption.

Here in the UK the child's identity is VERY important, and is used in the matching process. Matching families for adoption is a very tricky process. As much as they can, they look to find a family that meets all the child's needs, and that includes understanding their own culture and heritage. They do place children of different heritages in say a white family, but culture and heritage is HUGELY important. A family of a different heritage must demonstrate that they have the ability to manage that child's feelings and questions as they grow up.

If I was placing a Chinese child, and there was a Chinese family and a white family, with equal footing in terms of what they could offer, I'd choose the Chinese family over the white family.

Here we have (what some call forced) adoptions - were children are adopted without the parents consent (in child protection cases for example, where parents can't make the changes needs in the timescales for that child).

They try to match the child to the family as adoption breakdowns are horrible (and DO happen). People have to be ready to accept that there is a reason that the child is not with the family, and may have issues because of that. If children are babies, and have spent all their life in foster care, then they might have a better start in terms of attachment, but they could have organic issues which won't arise till they're older (nature/nurture).

The parents could have been long-term drug or alcohol misusers, or have mental health problems, or have been exposed to harms when pregnant which no one knows about.

Attachments difficulties are the main reason these things breakdown (I am working with a girl at the moment who was adopted at 6, and it has broken down - she never attached to her parents as mum and dad - just people who looked after her).

Children aren't always grateful that they have been adopted. And people can't forget that. It's not a fairytale...

But, when it works, it's wonderful
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  #69  
Old 10-13-2012, 10:26 AM
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I live in a city where adoption and mixed race kids and "non traditional" families etc.. aren't uncommon.. so I guess it's a different view for me.
I can go to the park right now and probably see two men and an african american baby, a aa woman and her white husband and their mixed child, a white mother and her asian mixed baby etc..etc.

but I can certainly understand a family that doesn't live somewhere as open.. not wanting to put a child in that position.
Even if THEY would love the child regardless (which I like to think, any loving person who wants kids would).. it's fair to not want to bring a kid into an environment where he/she would have to face people at school/family members/general public that isn't kind.

It doesn't necessarily mean they are racist. It means they are where they are for whatever reason and want their future child to have the best childhood possible. And that means a life without being bullied, given the cold shoulder from family members, and having to face racism every day.

Being adopted and joining a family is hard enough without having to go to school and face that kind of stuff or have your grandma/grandpa saying things like "That black child is not my grandchild" (which yes, I have heard)

For nearly all of my life, my family has been my safety blanket. We are a huge, loving, loud, supportive, protective bubble that shields the kids from most unpleasantness. We went to small private schools, never really knew bullying or violence, our family dotes on children like they are all small nobel prize winners, we live in a melting pot city with people of all kinds and everyone in this crazy household of crazies is affectionate to the point of being over-bearing lol as in, my high school graduation was attended by over 100 people that flew from over 9 countries to be there. A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION..... not being loved or wanted is not an option.
and I think that's why it all just..works.

That said, I think, even with the same parents my little cousins have now, how it would be like for them without the support, living in a small town where people were hateful instead of curious, going to schools where they were bullied or lost in the shuffle, with a family that didn't love them as we do..

and think that no, even with loving parents.. things would not have turned out so great for them home wise and behaviorally.
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  #70  
Old 10-13-2012, 10:30 AM
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People want adoptions to WORK. They are often tricky enough without throwing in a whole load of unnecessary stuff in to deal with.
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