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  #91  
Old 10-14-2012, 06:36 PM
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Actually I think a lot of the issues aren't things I ever see in the media...I honestly can hardly even think of a movie about a mixed race family except the one with Sandra Bullock as the football mom. I'm just talking about what I see day-to-day, with the kids I've worked with, in school, in psych and sociology and minority studies classes, etc.

I'm not saying a kid in a mixed race family is automatically going to feel out of place or uncomfortable all the time if the family isn't well-versed in dealing with those issues (although as far as I know it's not very uncommon at all), but issues WILL arise at some point and not every family will be prepared to deal with that. And I think it's pretty safe to say that children who have access to adult role models who have been in similar situations and who are frequently exposed to an array of cultures and heritages (both the one they were born into, the one they grew up with, and others) are going to be more well-equipt to deal with those issues than a minority kid who's shoved into white privilege and left to navigate it all on their own.
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  #92  
Old 10-14-2012, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by milos_mommy View Post
Actually I think a lot of the issues aren't things I ever see in the media...I honestly can hardly even think of a movie about a mixed race family except the one with Sandra Bullock as the football mom. I'm just talking about what I see day-to-day, with the kids I've worked with, in school, in psych and sociology and minority studies classes, etc.

I'm not saying a kid in a mixed race family is automatically going to feel out of place or uncomfortable all the time if the family isn't well-versed in dealing with those issues (although as far as I know it's not very uncommon at all), but issues WILL arise at some point and not every family will be prepared to deal with that. And I think it's pretty safe to say that children who have access to adult role models who have been in similar situations and who are frequently exposed to an array of cultures and heritages (both the one they were born into, the one they grew up with, and others) are going to be more well-equipt to deal with those issues than a minority kid who's shoved into white privilege and left to navigate it all on their own.
The thing is the parents can head it off when the children are young the adopted kid and the classmates. A lot of the issues brought up do happen but the majority of the time it's caused by adults projecting those issues on to a child.

An example would be a child at school is asked where they are from the adopted child answers and everything is fine. Fast forward to when you get home and the parent asks if everything was good at school that day and the kid says yes. The parent asks if they are sure and asks if no one brought it up. The child remembers that someone did ask them. It goes from nothing into an 'issue' because of the emphasis the parent *teachers can too* put on it.

From my personal experience and from talking to a few of my adopted Korean friends today I can tell you a lot of the issues are projected on to the kids based on what parents, teachers, and other adults think we should have been going through.
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  #93  
Old 10-14-2012, 06:46 PM
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From what I've gathered from mothers of AA kids, they get a lot of looks etc. I think it's especially worse for boys. Maybe it's easier because you're Asian? I've really never experienced racism first hand in this country so I don't know how people react. Maybe they insist on the kids knowing their heritage so they feel more accepted by people from their kid's race?

Kinda reminds me of that Grey's Anatomy episode where Derek is getting pissed off because everyone's staring at him and his AA daughter, he thinks they stare at him because of the race difference, then Bailey tells him it's because he clearly has no clue about how to take care of the kid's hair. Clearly that's specific to blacks, but it's one of those things that I think is important to do... show that you care enough about your child's heritage to do the 'right' thing, you know?

Apart from that... frankly if you ask me I have absolutely no idea how blacks, Hispanics or Asians live differently from white people. For me they're just people. We have Chinese friends and I never noticed anything different when we went to visit them, apart from the food and the fact that all their family spoke Chinese lol.

Anyway, it's kinda nice to have the point of view of an adoptee for once.
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  #94  
Old 10-14-2012, 06:51 PM
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From what I've gathered from mothers of AA kids, they get a lot of looks etc. I think it's especially worse for boys. Maybe it's easier because you're Asian? I've really never experienced racism first hand in this country so I don't know how people react. Maybe they insist on the kids knowing their heritage so they feel more accepted by people from their own race?

Kinda reminds me of that Grey's Anatomy episode where Derek is getting pissed off because everyone's staring at him and his AA daughter, he thinks they stare at him because of the race difference, then Bailey tells him it's because he clearly has no clue about how to take care of the kid's hair. Clearly that's specific to blacks, but it's one of those things that I think is important to do... show that you care enough about your child's heritage to do the 'right' thing, you know?

Apart from that... frankly if you ask me I have absolutely no idea how blacks, Hispanics or Asians live differently from white people. For me they're just people. We have Chinese friends and I never noticed anything different when we went to visit them, apart from the food and the fact that all their family spoke Chinese lol.
I get it often enough. Most people are intelligent enough to realize I am Asian so I get asked about math and science a lot. Unfortunately I do fall into the electronic love, 80s music love, anime and video game stereotype lol.

And living in Oklahoma I get a lot of the go back to where you are from comments. But realistically you just stand up to them. Racism is a form of bullying and you handle it the same way. And as a parent you make sure your child has self worth not just race based but anything thAt is them.

The problem with the acceptance within their own race thing is they won't be. They can go to their country but they aren't going to fit in they will be tourists.

Even Asians that live here I have issues with because i wasn't brought up with their culture and even though they are friendly I'm still not one of them. I feel really bad for kids brought up thinking they need to be a part of an alien culture just because they look like those people.
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  #95  
Old 10-14-2012, 07:08 PM
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Anyway, it's kinda nice to have the point of view of an adoptee for once.
I usually don't speak up on it since it devolves into a 'why don't you want to know your real family?!' and 'let me tell you what I'd do' comments pretty quickly. But I figured a 'knew' people on Chaz well enough to go ahead and speak up.
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  #96  
Old 10-14-2012, 08:21 PM
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I'm bi-racial, adopted as a baby by my super white mom, my dad who is "olivey" skin toned and my parents' biological daughter who is white like our mom. Always knew I was adopted, but never really gave it a second thought ever.

But looking back, I remember when I was little, I hated going out in public with my mom on my own. It wasn't because people commented on how different I looked from my mom, but more based on how often people said I looked just like my dad. I so desperately wanted people to think I "passed" as my mom's bio-kid too...it just never happened.

The only time I can remember someone being outright ignorant was when my sister and I went to use a "siblings" pass at a pool. The front staff lady said "you don't look like sisters" and my sister just about tore her a new one. Our argument was "would anyone else but sisters have matching bathing suits?" Lol...but I was so upset after that incident.

In my angsty teen years, I really struggled with the whole "why didn't my birthmom want me" thing. I have no desire to meet her, and I think it's partly because of that. I know my parents want me and love me, and I never knew my birthmom, so I have zero attachment to her.


What hurts me the MOST are when a friend says something jokingly "its because you're adopted"...I think this person think it's funny because I don't seem adopted (whatever that means), so she thinks I won't take offence...but it hurts and is so stigmatizing...
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  #97  
Old 10-14-2012, 08:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yoko View Post
And living in Oklahoma I get a lot of the go back to where you are from comments. But realistically you just stand up to them. Racism is a form of bullying and you handle it the same way. And as a parent you make sure your child has self worth not just race based but anything thAt is them.

The problem with the acceptance within their own race thing is they won't be. They can go to their country but they aren't going to fit in they will be tourists.
I totally agree...it's not just about race but about tolerance and discrimination of people who are "different", be it bi-racial or adopted, either transracially or not, disabled, etc. but these are issues that are very prevalent in adoptive families, be it because of race, special needs, or just looking different than the parents.

And I agree, the issue isn't just that a kid adopted by parents of a difference race might not feel that they "fit it" with the family, more often it's the opposite...they're also often expected to fit in with the culture their biological parents come from.

Also, where I grew up it's VERY segregated. It's not uncommon to hear "that's a white town" or "that's a black town". In school, in the cafeteria, one or two of tables had all black kids and one or two tables had all asian kids, one had the latino kids, and most of the other tables had all white kids. And this was a public school where pretty much everyone was from the same income bracket, same area, etc. I imagine it would be a little confusing to be either biracial or a black, hispanic, or asian kid who grew up with white parents and siblings and heard plenty of crap from both sides about sitting with the "wrong" group. Minority kids who sat at the "white tables" got more crap from their own ethnic groups, "traitor" "sellout" "you think you're better than us because you got white friends and family" "to you a *insert various ethnic slur* that hates *repeat ethnic slur*"
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  #98  
Old 10-14-2012, 11:09 PM
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This has recently been on my mind lately, and my husband and I have talked a bit about it and we are both interested in adopting in the future. It would be several years away, if we get to a point where we can afford it. Though I think I would like to adopt an older child like 7+. Fostering is something that we might consider, in several years as we are not in a position to do that anytime soon.

I really like Yoko's take on the heritage thing though. I definitely think it is great to offer them a chance to know their heritage, but really if you bring an infant here, and raise them here, they are American. I can see that it would be much more important to continue the heritage if you are adopting, say a 10 year old, who would feel homesick from their country because they were raised there. But an infant wouldn't even know the difference.

I think saying that they need to have people in their lives that are their own race is basically being racist, only it's ok to be racist against white families trying to give these babies good homes. Saying that they need role models in their life of their own race is like saying that we are separated by race, when I thought we were trying to get away from that.

Yes I can see needing to learn how to take care of their hair and things like that, but if our type of hair or skin color determines our ability to be role models only to certain kids than it seems like we are going backwards in the equality department.
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  #99  
Old 10-14-2012, 11:21 PM
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"Cara, how was it growing up asian in this family?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like.. did you ever want like an asian..person.. to you know ask questions to about..being asian?"

"...like someone to talk to about my math super powers?"

"shut up. You know what I mean.. like, last year when your mom didn't know how to do your eye make-up for that dance. How did you figure it out without having someone asian to ask?"

"google. Mom and I found some youtube videos and figured it out, like we do with most everything"

"But didn't you want like a role model?"

"I had plenty of role models. You because I thought you were like, really cool before I knew better..Aunt Lissy, because she always was so nice and brought my candy..Mom for being so brave, Sara because she is like, crazy smart, and of course I went through that weird Miley Cyrus thing.. I don't see why I needed a role model that looks like me. Is that what a role model is?"

.. no. that isn't what a role model is.

And what that Fran is once again schooled by a very wise 13 year old.

and LOL at google. I mean, yea.. I forget, kids these days have the internet.

and ya, she totally said I wasn't cool. Nice lol
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  #100  
Old 10-15-2012, 08:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran101 View Post
"Cara, how was it growing up asian in this family?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like.. did you ever want like an asian..person.. to you know ask questions to about..being asian?"

"...like someone to talk to about my math super powers?"

"shut up. You know what I mean.. like, last year when your mom didn't know how to do your eye make-up for that dance. How did you figure it out without having someone asian to ask?"

"google. Mom and I found some youtube videos and figured it out, like we do with most everything"

"But didn't you want like a role model?"

"I had plenty of role models. You because I thought you were like, really cool before I knew better..Aunt Lissy, because she always was so nice and brought my candy..Mom for being so brave, Sara because she is like, crazy smart, and of course I went through that weird Miley Cyrus thing.. I don't see why I needed a role model that looks like me. Is that what a role model is?"

.. no. that isn't what a role model is.

And what that Fran is once again schooled by a very wise 13 year old.

and LOL at google. I mean, yea.. I forget, kids these days have the internet.

and ya, she totally said I wasn't cool. Nice lol

Sounds like she's got it XD.
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