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Old 10-05-2012, 05:34 PM
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Default Does true honesty have to be brutal?

I've seen a lot of people want to be blunt and don't want to sugarcoat things. That's cool. I try not to sugarcoat things, either.

But in the past few years I've noticed an increase in people just being cruel and then if someone takes offense they're like, "TROLOLOL, sorry honey, I only tell the truth. Deal with it."

Let's say for example your friend wants an opinion on dresses she's trying on. She's a little chubby, but not fat. She wants a dress that flatters her figure. She puts on this awful thing that detracts from her her good qualities, makes her legs looks shorter and the waistline makes her look much heavier than she really is.

Which would you rather say to her when she asks how the dress looks on her?

1. "Nah, that dress isn't flattering on you at all. Go with one of the others. This other dress over here looked much better on you and it's really nice and slimming."

2. "OMG! This is cracking me up! You look fat as hell in that thing! Look in the mirror, it makes your thighs look even fatter than they already are! And your love handles stick out!"

I know a lot of people who'd take the second option and run with it, and if the friend takes offense, would just just say, "You wanted honesty. I'm honest. Don't cry about it."
Isn't the first option just as honest? Do you have to point out every single detail of how bad she looks to be truly honest?


Am I the only one who's seen this kind of thing a lot and taken issue with it?


[Oh, and a note. In my hypothetical situation, this not your best friend you can say anything to, knowing you won't offend them. I have a few friends I will tell extremely outlandishly mean things to and we're close enough we know exactly what the other means and no offense is taken.]
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:43 PM
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I think I'd just say, "there's something not right about the cut of the dress. I don't think it hangs right. Here, try this one on." LOL.

Yeah, I don't think every instance, especially one like this requires brutality...but some things do.
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:54 PM
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No, you're not alone in this.

I've always had a real issue with people who are cruel, hateful, nasty, mean, petty, etc., and hide behind "I'm just being honest."

Sometimes the truth can be painful, but it doesn't have to be delivered with a knife buried in it, and should never be delivered by someone who is going to enjoy inflicting pain.
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:56 PM
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Honest and mean aren't the same thing... honest. ;]
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:02 PM
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For me it depends what it is. Like if I think someone is wearing something ugly or is overweight I probably just won't say anything. Now if someone does something like starve a dog all bets are off when it comes to sugar coating it or making it sound less harsh.
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:04 PM
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Stealing from Fran here, there's a difference between honesty and "angry bold jackassery." lol I'm fine with the former, but the latter gives me the rage.
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Renee750il View Post
No, you're not alone in this.

I've always had a real issue with people who are cruel, hateful, nasty, mean, petty, etc., and hide behind "I'm just being honest."

Sometimes the truth can be painful, but it doesn't have to be delivered with a knife buried in it, and should never be delivered by someone who is going to enjoy inflicting pain.



I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this. Honesty is one thing I value very highly in a friend. To make an example of you, Renee, you've always been honest with me, even with some stuff I didn't want to hear. But you have never, ever been cruel to me.


Kind of on topic, I was just thinking about who you're talking to can be important. In high school my best friend got in a car accident and was bruised up like crazy. She hadn't seen her face yet, but knew she must look bad. She asked me how she looked and I said, "Like a syphilitic hooker who had the **** beat of her by her pimp." But she was my best friend and she laughed, which was my whole point, to cheer her up.
That's another thing. Know your audience. If I said the same thing to a friend I recently made at church. . .just no, LMAO.
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:16 PM
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Not generally, but man... every once in awhile I meet a person who just doesn't listen otherwise.
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:17 PM
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I know exactly what you mean. There is definitely a difference in saying things the way they are, in all honesty, and saying things with a condescending, bullying tone. I notice it on this forum from particular people and it drives me bonkers. At the end of the day, the person they were being 'honest' with will probably be so defensive and offended that they won't take the advice anyway, so it really serves no purpose except to make the person saying it feel... Idk... Cooler? Better? More holier than thou?

Half the time it is good advice too, which is the sad part. If they could just phrase it more directly and cut out the crap people are more likely to take them seriously.
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:18 PM
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Honesty becomes cruelty when you stop treating that other person like a human being with feelings who deserves kindness and just spit out the truth like words have never hurt anyone.

The key word here is TACT and perhaps kindness.

Tactful honesty is saying "I really like the way that other dress works with your curves, it makes your legs look long! That cut doesn't really work for you"

and cruel/brutal honesty is acting like a petulant child who has no control over the things that flood out of your mouth and spitting out anything that pops into your head.. aka "That dress makes you look awful! Wow! Your legs are so short and fat!"

The "Whatever. People hate me because I'm honest" thing is over-used and ridiculous. NO, people hate you because you are a bitch who has no consideration for other people's feelings. Don't care? fine. Enjoy being alone. I don't know when it became "cool" to not care for other people's feelings but it needs to stop.

***8220;Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.***8221;
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