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  #9571  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:24 PM
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ihartgonzo ihartgonzo is offline
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Originally Posted by Taqroy View Post
I don't think that's really the definition of poly FWIW. I think that fits more into swinger.
I guess I see them as one in the same? I know many couples who identify themselves as poly, and have random sex. Usually the guys. Most of the couples have broken up, and most of the men were abusive, so not exactly healthy relationships to begin with! I'm trying to wrap my head around how people do it safely, without feeling hurt or jealous, and it seems impossible. That could be just because my experience with it was a nightmare.
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  #9572  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:27 PM
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Originally Posted by ihartgonzo View Post
WOW, 10 years? I would feel exactly the same. Have you tried seeing a relationship counselor to figure out the issue? I went to a counselor with my boyfriend and it helped immensely to get an unbiased, outside, professional opinion. You deserve to be happy, and if he can't go out of his comfort zone to make you happy, does he REALLY love you? You have to ask yourself that.
This is a really good idea.
Honestly, it's one thing if he's one of those people who doesn't see marriage as a big deal, it's just a societal construct, it doesn't mean anything, blah blah blah - my friend is one of those. However, his girlfriend wants to get married. She DOESN'T see it that way. And so, because of her, he will probably get married - he told me he intends to marry her. But he also said to me he could happily go his entire life without getting married.
BUT if he straight up says things about not being sure he wants to commit... I mean... you've been together how long at this point... presumably you ARE committed! That would really bother me.
I'm guessing since you say he's not sure about the commitment of it he DOES know you want to get married. Some guys, being guys, actually don't think "Huh, she probably wants to get married." People also tend to assume everybody is like them, so if he doesn't see marriage as a Big Deal he probably thinks other people feel the same way...

I don't know. It's tough, because you don't want to be nagging him about it or throwing out ultimatums or anything. But at the same time, you deserve to be in a relationship that is what you're looking for, and from the sound of it, you want to be in a relationship with somebody who isn't afraid to commit to you... and you want to be married.

It's not like you're a big crazy who's been with him for two weeks and now you're like YOU NEED TO COMMIT. This is years and years. What else could he possibly be waiting for??

No real advice except it sounds like you have a lot of soul-searching to do, and I'm sorry, it's a real crappy spot to be in. =<
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  #9573  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by ihartgonzo View Post
WOW, 10 years? I would feel exactly the same. Have you tried seeing a relationship counselor to figure out the issue? I went to a counselor with my boyfriend and it helped immensely to get an unbiased, outside, professional opinion. You deserve to be happy, and if he can't go out of his comfort zone to make you happy, does he REALLY love you? You have to ask yourself that.
I'd see someone myself even if he won't go. If marriage is important to you then this is something you need to work through so you do not feel the way you are. It may mean ending it but there are those ou there who see it how you do.

I was the one that put off getting married for thirteen years. Husband wanted to for years and it makes sense for legal reasons when you have money and property etc together. And I can't imagine not being with him!

Personally giving him 18 months is a lot. I'd go. It may take that for him to decide what he wants to do. If you question his commitment there is reason for a break right there.
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  #9574  
Old 10-30-2013, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by ihartgonzo View Post
I guess I see them as one in the same? I know many couples who identify themselves as poly, and have random sex. Usually the guys. Most of the couples have broken up, and most of the men were abusive, so not exactly healthy relationships to begin with! I'm trying to wrap my head around how people do it safely, without feeling hurt or jealous, and it seems impossible. That could be just because my experience with it was a nightmare.
Many poly couples I've met have stable happy relationships and sexual relationships with other people they know very closely, they don't jump into it with a new partner/s willy nilly (especially when it comes to trust, understanding & health) I've had plenty of conversations with them about it and it's hardly random, it was describe to me as having a few serious sexual relationships built on trust. Jealousy is a factor but one that they overcome and help them grow as a couple.. and they consider it a fair price for a relationship style they truly enjoy.

And quite a few have the girl in the relationship that chose the lifestyle/has partners of her own of either sex.

and it's no more unsafe, done the right way, than being in a monogamous couple (people cheat sometimes and they are hardly as careful health wise, and people have sexual histories of all kinds..). Either way in either lifestyle sometimes things happen over "just one mistake"

I know plenty of abusive, broken up, unhealthy jealous monogamous relationships that end in hurt and jealousy.. I'd say your experience has a lot to do with you view of it, which is fair, I just don't think it's fair to paint it with such a general statement.
Like all relationships of all kinds, there is good and bad.

While it's not my thing.. I can certainly understand the lifestyle for two people WHO WANT IT (which is not what is going on here)

Like I can't totally wrap my head around getting over the jealousy etc.. I'm sure there are plenty of things about mono. relationships those in poly. can't wrap their heads around.. live and learn lol I guess
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  #9575  
Old 10-30-2013, 04:07 PM
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My view on marriage is this (minus the romantic implications of the wedding/marriage)... as much as I want to say "Oh it's just paper"

it's so much more than paper. The benefits of marriage are huge, like it or not. It's rights to visiting in hospitals, health insurance, making decisions if you partner becomes ill health wise etc..etc..
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  #9576  
Old 10-30-2013, 05:45 PM
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I just fell asleep for 2 hours... I didn't really WANT to but i did. Now i'm shaky as hell and feel not so great. Work is gonna be peachy...
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  #9577  
Old 10-30-2013, 06:20 PM
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So, so irritated about work. Down to 3 days(17 hours) with the possibility of being sent home early. And no chance of it going back up. Why because they have hired 2 more people. I don't know how many of the girls are going to financially get by. Most of them are single, and thats all they have. Its hitting my pocketbook bad, and we have my husbands paycheck to count on. They don't. Why if they where going to do this, couldn't they have done it, in the spring or summer. You know when people WANT some time off. WTF am I going to do with 4 days off in one week? Its cold outside, I don't do outside during the cold. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
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  #9578  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:06 PM
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I worked at our company's 'spooktacular' all afternoon. Overall it was great and fun. My friend and I were at a booth handing out candy and lots of friends and their SOs and kids came by. So many cute, sweet, wonderfully behaved kids in adorable (and creative!) costumes.... I had fun but am exhausted. We must have had several hundred kids come through.

But on the other hand, Halloween seems like THE holiday to bring out brattish behavior and COME ON PARENTS. Parent your kids!!! I couldn't BELIEVE some of the stuff I saw kids doing and the parents just standing there and smiling. It's always kids that are way older who don't want to wait their turn/wait for the 2-3 year olds to get their candy. They pretend to ignore us saying take 2 pieces of candy and some ran off with 4-5 HANDFULS. But what can you do? You can't discipline someone else's kid. The parents were standing RIGHT THERE. How about you teach them about sharing, waiting their turn, being fair? How about you discipline him when he shoves his way in front of a toddler to get the last bag of skittles? Is that too much to ask!? How about saying 'thank you' too?

Gah, like I said the majority- the VAST VAST majority of parents and kids were wonderful. The parents were really good about explaining these things, teaching the kids how to be polite, etc... but there's always a good handful that just let their kids run wild.

And like I said, I would never parent someone else's kids but I just cringe.... that would NOT have flown with my parents.
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  #9579  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Laurelin View Post
And like I said, I would never parent someone else's kids but I just cringe.... that would NOT have flown with my parents.
I totally put on my teacher hat on halloween. I have lectured teens for being greedy, rude @$$hats in the past. ("Ugh, this candy sucks, what else do you have?")

It's hard when you're supposed to be representing your company though.
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  #9580  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by CaliTerp07 View Post
I totally put on my teacher hat on halloween. I have lectured teens for being greedy, rude @$$hats in the past. ("Ugh, this candy sucks, what else do you have?")

It's hard when you're supposed to be representing your company though.
Seriously?! IT IS FREE CANDY BE HAPPY.
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