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  #9561  
Old 10-30-2013, 12:32 PM
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I have had a ring for three years now (and that's ok with me, in fact it would've been ok if I had never gotten a ring at all LOL). My OH calls me his "wife" because I guess that's what I am to him, I call him my other half LOL, it really doesn't matter what the future holds, if we ever take that final step to marriage, in fact I would rather not be married because I guess I have this tiny thing where I think "if things go south, then its easier to get out if we aren't married." Plus I am not ready to give up my entire single status ... I don't know if I will ever be.

He is the one that keeps asking when we are going to get married, I always tell him I don't know, because he will keep pushing the conversation if I say, some day or whatever. I know he will be super hurt if I tell him that I am not ready to and likely never will be ready. I know he will prolly take it to mean that I don't love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him ... and that's not it, I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with him ... but just not married.
The second half of this would be my biggest fear with my boyfriend. I was super hurt when he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to make a commitment and, in fact, sometimes I question is it worth it to stay with him/ how long do I let our relationship be in his control? I think it's probably unfair to your boyfriend to do this to him ..but that's coming from someone in your boyfriends shoes. I'm a little burnt. It's the mentality of 'hey, if this goes bad, at least we're not married& I have an easy escape plan' that I hate. I don't want the negative thoughts of that in my relationship& ps ..unless you're actively dating other people now, you haven't been single since that stopped.
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  #9562  
Old 10-30-2013, 01:00 PM
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The second half of this would be my biggest fear with my boyfriend. I was super hurt when he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to make a commitment and, in fact, sometimes I question is it worth it to stay with him/ how long do I let our relationship be in his control? I think it's probably unfair to your boyfriend to do this to him ..but that's coming from someone in your boyfriends shoes. I'm a little burnt. It's the mentality of 'hey, if this goes bad, at least we're not married& I have an easy escape plan' that I hate. I don't want the negative thoughts of that in my relationship& ps ..unless you're actively dating other people now, you haven't been single since that stopped.
I agree with this. SO knows if we aren't married/engaged by a certain time, I'm out. 5 years, to me, is enough time. I don't want to go into a marriage planning to get divorced, but it does happen. I understand the 'It's easier to split up if we aren't married." mentality. And it is. But if you live together and have spent 5+ years of your life together... it won't be MUCH easier. I could not be in your shoes. I am not a patient person. Luckily my SO understands this and we are just waiting to be a bit more stable financially and... life-wise.

Do you think you will ever get married?

And as far as DD... I think she meant single status legally, but I could be wrong. (Honestly that's a big thing to me too. If I get married before 26 I lose my awesome ((FREE)) insurance through my dad.)
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  #9563  
Old 10-30-2013, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by yv0nne View Post
The second half of this would be my biggest fear with my boyfriend. I was super hurt when he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to make a commitment and, in fact, sometimes I question is it worth it to stay with him/ how long do I let our relationship be in his control? I think it's probably unfair to your boyfriend to do this to him ..but that's coming from someone in your boyfriends shoes. I'm a little burnt. It's the mentality of 'hey, if this goes bad, at least we're not married& I have an easy escape plan' that I hate. I don't want the negative thoughts of that in my relationship& ps ..unless you're actively dating other people now, you haven't been single since that stopped.
I know which is why I haven't put it "like that" to him yet because I know that he would on the surface be okay with it, then I know he would grow to resent me eventually, it would be the same if I got married because he wanted to get married, I would grow to resent him for that because it was his choice not OUR choice.

I know I am not "technically" single, but ... I guess what I am trying to say is that getting married pinches off all "options" of freedom, and I am just not ready for that to go away yet ... and I don't know when I will be in the foreseeable future. I have a ring but I don't wear it because its too big and I need to get it resized ... but also because I work with crazy horses and not too many girls wear rings because if the ring gets caught up in the lead rope you will have a problem and may lose a finger. But I will be honest, I think that I also don't wear it because it represents being "officially not single" anymore.

I love our relationship how it is now, I think we have a good thing going now and I don't want anything to change ... I hate change. I am lucky I am with a patient person, but I know there will come a time where I have to tell him that I may not ever be ready for marriage and that day I fear will be the beginning of the end of our relationship . I love him and an committed to him, I don't cheat or behave "single" (for lack of a better description) ... even when we are long distance. All of our disagreements start when he brings up the "when are we going to finally get married" subject and I tell him I am not ready. But he hasn't brought it up in a while, thankfully.

@Airn Yes that's what I meant, my "legal" single status like ... in the eyes of the state and the law. We don't live together full time (his job requires travel) so we cant even be considered common law married.
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  #9564  
Old 10-30-2013, 01:06 PM
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If you are committed and living together, what does marriage change?

HOw does it pinch off options of freedom?
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  #9565  
Old 10-30-2013, 01:11 PM
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I agree with this. SO knows if we aren't married/engaged by a certain time, I'm out. 5 years, to me, is enough time. I don't want to go into a marriage planning to get divorced, but it does happen. I understand the 'It's easier to split up if we aren't married." mentality. And it is. But if you live together and have spent 5+ years of your life together... it won't be MUCH easier. I could not be in your shoes. I am not a patient person. Luckily my SO understands this and we are just waiting to be a bit more stable financially and... life-wise.

Do you think you will ever get married?

And as far as DD... I think she meant single status legally, but I could be wrong. (Honestly that's a big thing to me too. If I get married before 26 I lose my awesome ((FREE)) insurance through my dad.)
Yeah, I feel like the fact we're heading towards FOREVER together with no change in relationship status is killing me slowly. I flat out told him after our ginormous fight that I was done unless in the next 18 months I saw a commitment. He's 6 months in ..so 1yr left. Then my patience well is dried up. If, after 10yrs together I'm still not worth the price of a ring& a commitment, then goodbye. And good luck. I hope you find someone who meets whatever it is you want out of life.

Honestly, I try not to discuss it with him because it is such a sore spot& will instantly make me get really angry about the situation. And the bitter part of me (because, don't get me wrong, I love him a lot ..I just don't know that I love him enough to change what I want in my life) thinks it's honestly not worth the wait. Evacuate now.

Edit- legal status of single makes sense I suppose! Wasn't thinking of the legal aspects.. oops!
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  #9566  
Old 10-30-2013, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by yv0nne View Post
Yeah, I feel like the fact we're heading towards FOREVER together with no change in relationship status is killing me slowly. I flat out told him after our ginormous fight that I was done unless in the next 18 months I saw a commitment. He's 6 months in ..so 1yr left. Then my patience well is dried up. If, after 10yrs together I'm still not worth the price of a ring& a commitment, then goodbye. And good luck. I hope you find someone who meets whatever it is you want out of life.

Honestly, I try not to discuss it with him because it is such a sore spot& will instantly make me get really angry about the situation. And the bitter part of me (because, don't get me wrong, I love him a lot ..I just don't know that I love him enough to change what I want in my life) thinks it's honestly not worth the wait. Evacuate now.

Edit- legal status of single makes sense I suppose! Wasn't thinking of the legal aspects.. oops!
So much Huggies going your way yvonne, that does sound so frustrating and heartbreaking. I think you need to be happy and if it ends up he does not want the commitment you want than you would be better off finding somebody who does. I hope for his sake and yours he gets his butt in gear and decides what he wants regardless what it is, because it is not fair to you to be pulled around like that.

To me your situation is like if Tyler all of the sudden decided he did not want kids. Now, that would be a deal breaker and I would be out of there.

I usually call Tyler my other half, actually I don't remember the last time I actually called him my BF out loud to someone. Technically legally we are common-law husband and wife, and that just does not count. But I cringe when I hear him call me his GF lol.
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  #9567  
Old 10-30-2013, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by yv0nne View Post
Yeah, I feel like the fact we're heading towards FOREVER together with no change in relationship status is killing me slowly. I flat out told him after our ginormous fight that I was done unless in the next 18 months I saw a commitment. He's 6 months in ..so 1yr left. Then my patience well is dried up. If, after 10yrs together I'm still not worth the price of a ring& a commitment, then goodbye. And good luck. I hope you find someone who meets whatever it is you want out of life.

Honestly, I try not to discuss it with him because it is such a sore spot& will instantly make me get really angry about the situation. And the bitter part of me (because, don't get me wrong, I love him a lot ..I just don't know that I love him enough to change what I want in my life) thinks it's honestly not worth the wait. Evacuate now.

Edit- legal status of single makes sense I suppose! Wasn't thinking of the legal aspects.. oops!
I think that is my BF's POV , I essentially have the "guy-esque" POV in our relationship I guess, because (I don't mean to gender stereotype or anything) its usually the guy who is the one thinking this way.

and My BF used to be a big time play the field ... never settle down type of guy, he always treated the girls he was with respectfully, but it was never a serious thing. It took him a couple of years for him to get serious with me, but that was all his choice, I never pushed him (I was dating other people too at the time and had a "lets see where it goes" mentality) but one day about two years in he approached me with the topic of going exclusive, and I said we could try it. Now here we are, I trust him and he trusts me. the reason I don't want to marry him isn't a matter of trust, its that I am very ... like ... noncommittal and I don't know if I can change that part of my personality.
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  #9568  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:11 PM
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Can I just interject here to say that that's not the case in every poly relationship? One of my requirements for sleeping with someone is proof of thorough, recent STD testing. That's something I haven't always been adamant about in the past, but it's a non-negotiable thing in the future. In truly poly relationships, that should be a requirement, not a suggestion. You're not just messing with your own health at that point. Even if you've known someone forever or they're not promiscuous or not showing visible symptoms doesn't mean they're "clean." You can make all the right, responsible decisions and use protection, but without actual STD testing you can still catch something. It might be no big deal, or it might be permanently life-altering. Either way, not going there is better.
True!!! But, there is always a risk, when one or both partners are sleeping with other people... it only takes ONE time, ONE slip up, and I'm not willing to take that risk. The person that your partner is sleeping with could sleep with some one else and get an STD and not even know about it yet, there are just too many factors for me to be comfortable with it.

I definitely feel there is a healthy, safe way to be poly BUT that requires very particular people who are thorough, 100% honest and plan ahead before jumping into bed with anyone. And I think a LOT of people who are poly want to have spontaneous, random sex & that just isn't compatible with having a healthy relationship.
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  #9569  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by yv0nne View Post
Honestly, I try not to discuss it with him because it is such a sore spot& will instantly make me get really angry about the situation. And the bitter part of me (because, don't get me wrong, I love him a lot ..I just don't know that I love him enough to change what I want in my life) thinks it's honestly not worth the wait. Evacuate now.
WOW, 10 years? I would feel exactly the same. Have you tried seeing a relationship counselor to figure out the issue? I went to a counselor with my boyfriend and it helped immensely to get an unbiased, outside, professional opinion. You deserve to be happy, and if he can't go out of his comfort zone to make you happy, does he REALLY love you? You have to ask yourself that.
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  #9570  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:20 PM
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And I think a LOT of people who are poly want to have spontaneous, random sex & that just isn't compatible with having a healthy relationship.
I don't think that's really the definition of poly FWIW. I think that fits more into swinger.
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