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  #9551  
Old 10-29-2013, 11:41 PM
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Laurelin Laurelin is offline
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Ugh. I'm having a metformin episode tonight. Going to bed now with a warming bottle on my belly.

Also, I read an article that chocolate, real chocolate (not like Hershey) will become really scarce by 2020 because there's too much demand
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Fun fact: Earlier I was researching how, exactly, metformin works, and I learned that among other things, it "changes the faecal microbiota community profile." I about died laughing at the way it was worded, but it explains the side effects
Blah. I am getting to where I hate met.
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  #9552  
Old 10-30-2013, 12:26 AM
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Nolu is coming to town.

hahahahahaha time for us girls to have some fun... and maybe get in some trouble.
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  #9553  
Old 10-30-2013, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by *blackrose View Post
I have a very bad feeling I am about to do something similar...because he just isn't getting the smaller hints I'm throwing at him.

BUT, that being said, at times when I have poured out my emotions on one thing or another and Michael isn't giving me the appropriate response that I need to calm myself down, I tell him what I need from him. "No, don't be logical, just shut up make me feel better." Or something of the sort. Which he gladly does, because his attempt to be logical was his attempt to be comforting, and that just wasn't what I needed TO be comforted, but he didn't know that.
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Originally Posted by DJEtzel View Post
I agree with this.

I've been there, done that Fran... and it is exhausting emotionally.

I've found that most guys just don't understand that you don't want them to talk you through it and actually want comfort. I don't think it's natural for many men? Tell him what you want in that sort of situation (when it's not actively happening) and see what he does next time.
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Originally Posted by Beanie View Post
The thing with men is they ARE, generally speaking, analytical first. And what they're looking for is the solution to the problem. It's not that they're cold - it's just they think in a different manner. Blackrose is dead on: if she communicates she just needs comfort rather than logic and solutions, it's not a problem, but without saying "Will you stop trying to be so logical about this and just make me feel better?" he's not aware.
(As it happens this is what drives me crazy about talking to women - they DON'T try to solve problems and think you just want an "oh, poor baby, I'm so sorry!" NO! I WANT HELP! STOP!!)

I mean, you told him you wanted space. What's the answer to that besides "okay?" If you said you wanted space and he said NO he's a controlling, possessive jerk. There is no other (sane) response to that except okay.
He's not saying he doesn't like you. He's not saying HE wants space. You said you wanted space, and he was respectful of that. Probably because he loves you and he's confident you love him too, so you're being overly emotional right now and a little crazy, but when you're done, everything will be fine. Which is what he said... everything is fine.

I hate to tell you this, Fran, but I'm fairly confident he KNOWS you aren't perfect and probably knew it long before this. What he likely means is you're perfect for him. And that's the only kind of perfect he needs. He doesn't need your definition of perfect, mine, or any other person's definition of perfect... only his. And that's what he sees you as. Don't take it as some kind of measure you have to stand up to. He's not asking you to measure up to anything... he's just telling you how he feels about you. Just by nature of being you, you measure up to how he feels. No more than that.


Don't be subtle with men. Just don't. It won't work. For that matter, don't be subtle with women either. You don't have to be blunt and harsh, but just say stuff. Stop hinting. Just say it.
You guys are the best ((HUGS)) and I took your advice and it worked.

I was feeling blah last night and just kind of being a brat and giving those subtle hints that he doesn't get and he started to try to fix my problem in his typical boy engineer way. "Look just why don't you do this? How about that? You know you have that paper due, maybe go for a walk and then just write a few pages before bed. You need endorphins, grab some coffee" and I'm about to break down like STOP TALKING ABOUT MY ENDORPHINS YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT WITH YOUR SOLUTION I WANT CUDDLES AND I WANT TO WALLOW IN SELF PITY

and I was just like "Look, I know you are trying to help, it's not your fault I wasn't being clear. I don't need you to try to fix my problems right now, I just wanna be coddled and am feeling insecure"

BOOM. LIKE MAGIC.
He was like "ooooOoOO.." and was so sweet and caring and kind and petnamey and I felt so much better getting what I needed and all I had to do was ask!

He really just DID NOT get it.
Like he was like "I had no idea you just wanted me to comfort you, I would totally do that!"

Ask and ye shall receive.
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  #9554  
Old 10-30-2013, 08:49 AM
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Unfortunately legally he's not her husband. I believe it's different for gay couples since the majority CANT get married. Marriage is more than a ring and paper. Maybe to you it isn't but to many people it's a huge commitment. I can call my SO whatever I want but legally he is nothing to me. I don't think its right to call someone your spouse when they really aren't. (Again, excluding the majority of gay couples.)
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Originally Posted by Red.Apricot View Post
I don't care what other people call their significant others, but to me, a husband would be someone I got married to, which means... getting married.

And if I wanted to get married, changing my boyfriend's title from boyfriend to husband without getting married would just be... nothing.
So much this. I don't want to call my boyfriend my husband ..it's less about the name and more about the commitment behind the name. I would like him to say 'yes, I appreciate our relationship, my plans don't include dating other people& I love you the most so let's take the next step& seal the deal!'

Or, you know, something along those lines. I'm getting to the point of **** or get off the toilet for lack of better phrasing
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  #9555  
Old 10-30-2013, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Fran101 View Post
You guys are the best ((HUGS)) and I took your advice and it worked.

I was feeling blah last night and just kind of being a brat and giving those subtle hints that he doesn't get and he started to try to fix my problem in his typical boy engineer way. "Look just why don't you do this? How about that? You know you have that paper due, maybe go for a walk and then just write a few pages before bed. You need endorphins, grab some coffee" and I'm about to break down like STOP TALKING ABOUT MY ENDORPHINS YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT WITH YOUR SOLUTION I WANT CUDDLES AND I WANT TO WALLOW IN SELF PITY

and I was just like "Look, I know you are trying to help, it's not your fault I wasn't being clear. I don't need you to try to fix my problems right now, I just wanna be coddled and am feeling insecure"

BOOM. LIKE MAGIC.
He was like "ooooOoOO.." and was so sweet and caring and kind and petnamey and I felt so much better getting what I needed and all I had to do was ask!

He really just DID NOT get it.
Like he was like "I had no idea you just wanted me to comfort you, I would totally do that!"

Ask and ye shall receive.
It's amazing how well that works

There is a book and dvd series called "love and respect" by Dr Emerson Eggerich. I would recommend this to EVERYONE. Fair warning, he is a Christian and he doesn't hide that in his presentation but it isn't the bulk of the "lesson" and it really applies to EVERYONE! It's an amazing translation of guy soeak and girl speak and how to basially become fluent in the opposite language. He is incredibly funny and really presents it well and you'll find yourselves going "oh my word, he totally does that" and "LOL I did that exact thing just last week".

One of his lines in the series is ... As a man/fixer when his wife comes to him with a vent "is this something you want me to fix or do you just need me to listen and commisserate".

Seriously, it's great and will really help bring an understanding of how your SO perceives and reacts to things
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  #9556  
Old 10-30-2013, 09:48 AM
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Beanie Beanie is offline
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Originally Posted by Fran101 View Post
You guys are the best ((HUGS)) and I took your advice and it worked.

I was feeling blah last night and just kind of being a brat and giving those subtle hints that he doesn't get and he started to try to fix my problem in his typical boy engineer way. "Look just why don't you do this? How about that? You know you have that paper due, maybe go for a walk and then just write a few pages before bed. You need endorphins, grab some coffee" and I'm about to break down like STOP TALKING ABOUT MY ENDORPHINS YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT WITH YOUR SOLUTION I WANT CUDDLES AND I WANT TO WALLOW IN SELF PITY

and I was just like "Look, I know you are trying to help, it's not your fault I wasn't being clear. I don't need you to try to fix my problems right now, I just wanna be coddled and am feeling insecure"

BOOM. LIKE MAGIC.
He was like "ooooOoOO.." and was so sweet and caring and kind and petnamey and I felt so much better getting what I needed and all I had to do was ask!

He really just DID NOT get it.
Like he was like "I had no idea you just wanted me to comfort you, I would totally do that!"

Ask and ye shall receive.
Men.



Here's a book I really liked:
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-Rev...for+women+only

I may have recommended this book on here before. My fave thing about this book is she actually shows you the survey questions she asked men and then includes the breakdown of their responses. So the author makes inferences from the survey results, but you can also see the results yourself and make your own inferences. I remember once or twice she was making some statements I wasn't buying into, and when I looked at the survey results, the results didn't totally support what she was saying. Like she said "most men feel this way" about one thing or another, and the survey results were like... 35% said yes definitely, 35% said maybe, and 30% said no. From her perspective, and possibly from the perspective of other people, if you combined the "yes" and "maybe" you got a "most men." But looking at the results, it doesn't feel that way to me. My interpretation would be there's not a firm consensus. So you can make your own interpretation of the results.
But MOST of the time, surprisingly, men across the board seem to all think pretty darn similarly to one another. So it's actually pretty dead on for most of the book.

A lot of the stuff in the book made total sense to me, being that I've spent most of my life being "just one of the guys," so the male thought pattern makes sense. But the way some of the stuff is phrased is like "Okay, I knew that's how they were but I didn't know THAT'S why." Like I was aware that's how they thought but I didn't realize the depth of what it meant for them or some of the why behind it. Stuff like that. So even if you "get" men it's worth a read.

There's a companion book, "For Men Only," that talks about women... and it's kind of hilarious to me because women's answers are just so different and it's hard to EVER make a firm consensus (but the authors try, haha.) I read it too, because I felt like if I could read that one and be like "well this is total BS" then it would put the other book into perspective. But really, I thought it was a pretty fair book. Sometimes they stretch to make inferences on the results because otherwise the book would be like "Men are right, WOMEN ARE CRAZY and there's no understanding them!!" and that would be the whole book, but since they DO give you the survey questions and results, I thought it was still an interesting read to see how differently women feel on some things.
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  #9557  
Old 10-30-2013, 11:20 AM
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noludoru noludoru is offline
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Originally Posted by Picklepaige View Post
I never get jealous, we aren't in a "real" relationship (we love each other very much and feel very strongly about each other and will be living together, but we've never "officially" started dating) so I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

I haven't said anything to him about it yet. I know if I told him it bothered me, he would respect that, but I'm scared to tell him. It makes me feel petty and silly and dumb.
Not silly, not dumb. Also, hugs. You are allowed to be yourself, and if "yourself" has changed over the last few years, so what? A relationship should be the one place in your life where you can be yourself and make your own demands for your happiness. If your needs aren't being fulfilled, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Everyone is jealous sometimes. It's a normal human emotion. It also doesn't have to be the end of the world. This is also a really good resource for non-poly couples: http://theferrett.livejournal.com/1350943.html

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Originally Posted by Greenmagick View Post
Dont get me wrong, all kinds of different relationships work for different people. The key is though being honest and truthful. You have to stand up for yourself and speak your mind. If you are not happy with something, yes, it may cause issues but its better than you hiding who you are or disrespecting yourself by going along just to not rock the boat.


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Originally Posted by ihartgonzo View Post
I went through a similar situation with my boyfriend. When I met him, he was all about being "free"... he was "polyamorous". He didn't believe that people should be stuck with one other person. What he was really saying was, "I'm not ready for a commited relationship. I want to **** around, have my cake, and eat it too!" I tricked myself into thinking that was ok, I could deal with it, I was open minded. Then I got an STD from him sleeping with some hoe. It was HPV, so nothing permanent or awful, but I did get a cancer scare from my doctor and had to undergo several painful tests which resulted in a month of serious bleeding. I did not deserve that and neither do you!
Can I just interject here to say that that's not the case in every poly relationship? One of my requirements for sleeping with someone is proof of thorough, recent STD testing. That's something I haven't always been adamant about in the past, but it's a non-negotiable thing in the future. In truly poly relationships, that should be a requirement, not a suggestion. You're not just messing with your own health at that point. Even if you've known someone forever or they're not promiscuous or not showing visible symptoms doesn't mean they're "clean." You can make all the right, responsible decisions and use protection, but without actual STD testing you can still catch something. It might be no big deal, or it might be permanently life-altering. Either way, not going there is better.

/soapbox

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Nolu is coming to town.

!@#$. I knew you and Amber didn't really want to see me.

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I'm broken in too many ways.
Oh, sweetie. *super hugs with extra Middie snuggles* I'm so sorry.
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  #9558  
Old 10-30-2013, 11:37 AM
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Can I just interject here to say that that's not the case in every poly relationship? One of my requirements for sleeping with someone is proof of thorough, recent STD testing. That's something I haven't always been adamant about in the past, but it's a non-negotiable thing in the future. In truly poly relationships, that should be a requirement, not a suggestion. You're not just messing with your own health at that point. Even if you've known someone forever or they're not promiscuous or not showing visible symptoms doesn't mean they're "clean." You can make all the right, responsible decisions and use protection, but without actual STD testing you can still catch something. It might be no big deal, or it might be permanently life-altering. Either way, not going there is better.
This. Polyamory is not a get out of jail free card for being a slimey inconsiderate slutty douchecanoe. being in a poly relationship involves exhaustive patience, honesty, so much honesty, and so much communication. you must leave your ego at the door, and you must be transparent and compassionate and honest with EVERYONE involved. the fact that your jerkwad ex brought an STD into the relationship makes me want to stab him in the dick, because its people like THAT that make the rest of us look bad
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  #9559  
Old 10-30-2013, 11:59 AM
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Originally Posted by frostfell View Post
This. Polyamory is not a get out of jail free card for being a slimey inconsiderate slutty douchecanoe. being in a poly relationship involves exhaustive patience, honesty, so much honesty, and so much communication. you must leave your ego at the door, and you must be transparent and compassionate and honest with EVERYONE involved. the fact that your jerkwad ex brought an STD into the relationship makes me want to stab him in the dick, because its people like THAT that make the rest of us look bad
So true.

I got thoroughly STD tested before visiting the ex out of respect to both him and his current GF. It's a respect issue as well as a health and safety issue.
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  #9560  
Old 10-30-2013, 12:28 PM
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WHY!?!?!?! I am hoping for the next two years or so. We have plans to get married, but we just bought a house and we have some expenses we want to pay off first, but I just want the dang ring so I can stop calling him my boyfriend, because he is way more than that.

Men can be so stubborn. GRrrr...
I have had a ring for three years now (and that's ok with me, in fact it would've been ok if I had never gotten a ring at all LOL). My OH calls me his "wife" because I guess that's what I am to him, I call him my other half LOL, it really doesn't matter what the future holds, if we ever take that final step to marriage, in fact I would rather not be married because I guess I have this tiny thing where I think "if things go south, then its easier to get out if we aren't married." Plus I am not ready to give up my entire single status ... I don't know if I will ever be.

He is the one that keeps asking when we are going to get married, I always tell him I don't know, because he will keep pushing the conversation if I say, some day or whatever. I know he will be super hurt if I tell him that I am not ready to and likely never will be ready. I know he will prolly take it to mean that I don't love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him ... and that's not it, I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with him ... but just not married.
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