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  #9511  
Old 10-28-2013, 07:42 PM
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I am just so confused. My best friend, who I am totally in love with and have been in a relationship of sorts with for the past two years, started asking me a bunch of weird questions last night, like if I would ever be in a polygamous relationship and if I would be upset if he slept with our other friend. He was going on and on about how sex doesn't equal love to him, and I believe him, but it just left me feeling hurt and confused. I never get jealous, we aren't in a "real" relationship (we love each other very much and feel very strongly about each other and will be living together, but we've never "officially" started dating) so I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

I haven't said anything to him about it yet. I know if I told him it bothered me, he would respect that, but I'm scared to tell him. It makes me feel petty and silly and dumb. I know him well enough to know that he's not going to fall in love with this girl and replace me or anything, but just the thought of him getting that...intimate and close with someone else, even if there aren't any romantic feelings there, hurts. I know it's a normal feeling, but I can't help but feel embarrassed by it. I never used to be this jealous and stupid.

I guess I want a "traditional" relationship more than I thought I did. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
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  #9512  
Old 10-28-2013, 07:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Picklepaige View Post
I am just so confused. My best friend, who I am totally in love with and have been in a relationship of sorts with for the past two years, started asking me a bunch of weird questions last night, like if I would ever be in a polygamous relationship and if I would be upset if he slept with our other friend. He was going on and on about how sex doesn't equal love to him, and I believe him, but it just left me feeling hurt and confused. I never get jealous, we aren't in a "real" relationship (we love each other very much and feel very strongly about each other and will be living together, but we've never "officially" started dating) so I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

I haven't said anything to him about it yet. I know if I told him it bothered me, he would respect that, but I'm scared to tell him. It makes me feel petty and silly and dumb. I know him well enough to know that he's not going to fall in love with this girl and replace me or anything, but just the thought of him getting that...intimate and close with someone else, even if there aren't any romantic feelings there, hurts. I know it's a normal feeling, but I can't help but feel embarrassed by it. I never used to be this jealous and stupid.

I guess I want a "traditional" relationship more than I thought I did. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Dont get me wrong, all kinds of different relationships work for different people. The key is though being honest and truthful. You have to stand up for yourself and speak your mind. If you are not happy with something, yes, it may cause issues but its better than you hiding who you are or disrespecting yourself by going along just to not rock the boat.

And I don't get the "officially" start dating or "real" relationship.

Have you both been seeing other people the whole time?

Also, it is NOT at ALL petty to not want someone you are involved with (casual or not) to sleep with a friend. Sorry, I actually find that pretty tacky for him to ask unless it was a very common and explicit thing the whole time that he KNEW without a doubt that you were totally ok with (which obviously you are not)
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  #9513  
Old 10-28-2013, 07:54 PM
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polyamory is not "right" or "desirable" if its not what you are and feel comfortable with. sounds to me like this IS a serious comitted relationship of 2+ years and this is a big deal if hes feeling like hes poly and you are feeling like you arent. you and him need to sit down and talk about it, and stop feeling like you have no rights here to be making requests and statements because you "arent officially together". you ARE officially together. it was made official when your lives started coordinating around each others, wether the "official" words were spoken or not.
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  #9514  
Old 10-28-2013, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Greenmagick View Post
Dont get me wrong, all kinds of different relationships work for different people. The key is though being honest and truthful. You have to stand up for yourself and speak your mind. If you are not happy with something, yes, it may cause issues but its better than you hiding who you are or disrespecting yourself by going along just to not rock the boat.

And I don't get the "officially" start dating or "real" relationship.

Have you both been seeing other people the whole time?

Also, it is NOT at ALL petty to not want someone you are involved with (casual or not) to sleep with a friend. Sorry, I actually find that pretty tacky for him to ask unless it was a very common and explicit thing the whole time that he KNEW without a doubt that you were totally ok with (which obviously you are not)
I agree with this. Not to offend anyone, but in my opinion, you're either together or you aren't. There are sometimes in-between stages in which you might need to 'figure things out'. But I found it incredibly hard to think of being with someone else when my SO and I were 'taking a break'. And no, sex does not equal love. But it definitely is a large part of it. Intimacy is a part of being in a relationship. (Not necessarily sex.) I guess I'm just not one of those people that could ever do a one night stand. Especially for women. Again, not saying this is true for everyone.
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  #9515  
Old 10-28-2013, 08:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Picklepaige View Post
I haven't said anything to him about it yet. I know if I told him it bothered me, he would respect that, but I'm scared to tell him. It makes me feel petty and silly and dumb. I know him well enough to know that he's not going to fall in love with this girl and replace me or anything, but just the thought of him getting that...intimate and close with someone else, even if there aren't any romantic feelings there, hurts. I know it's a normal feeling, but I can't help but feel embarrassed by it. I never used to be this jealous and stupid.

I guess I want a "traditional" relationship more than I thought I did. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
1) Totally okay (and pretty darn normal) to desire a monogamous relationship with someone you love. It's why shows about polygamous families have a captive audience--most people in the world can't fathom handling that sort of relationship.

2) You need to have the DTR talk. Define. The. Relationship. What are you? Where are you going? What does he want, what do you want from the relationship? Do you see a lifelong relationship here, are you killing time, are you just enjoying the here and now?

3) It is not petty or stupid to want someone to love and want only you. It is absolutely your right to ask for that if it's something you desire. I would shrivel up and die inside if my husband told me he wanted to be with someone else (whether now or while we were dating). That's not petty--it's completely fair to expect him to only care for me--it's what we promised each other. (See #2--figure out what you are committing to with each other, and go from there)
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Last edited by CaliTerp07; 10-28-2013 at 08:20 PM.
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  #9516  
Old 10-28-2013, 08:03 PM
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That would be a deal breaker for most people ..just discuss& decide.

Also, I think I have a major stress fracture. I am praying no but it's not getting any better
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  #9517  
Old 10-28-2013, 08:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliTerp07 View Post
1) Totally okay (and pretty darn normal) to desire a monogamous relationship with someone you love. It's why shows about polygamous families have a captive audience--most people in the world can't fathom handling that sort of relationship.

2) You need to have the DTR talk. Define. The. Relationship. What are you? Where are you going? What does he want, what do you want from the relationship? Do you see a lifelong relationship here, are you killing time, are you just enjoying the here and now?

3) It is not petty or stupid to want someone to love and want only you. It is absolutely your right to ask for that if it's something you desire. I would shrivel up and die inside if my husband told me he wanted to be with someone else (whether now or while we were dating). That's not petty--it's completely fair to expect him to only care for me--it's what we promised each other. (See #2--figure out what you are committing to with each other, and go from there)
Totally agree

When did it become not cool to be in a monogamous relationship?

My opinion is that it was callous of him to ask but why pretend to be nothing for so long when it is clearly something? Tell him how you feel. Especially when it comes to paying bills together you need to be explicitly clear what you need. There is no SHAME in loving someone exclusively and expecting the same in return. That is NOT jealousy, it's normal. I wish society wouldn't make this stuff seem like it's pathetic or desperate. You are justified to feel how you feel but to not tell him out of fear of being petty or jealous is dishonest on your part and then you can't fault him
On acting on something you said was fine.

I have to wonder if he isn't saying this just to guage your reaction and see how you feel first without having to be the one to make the first " committed relationship " move
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  #9518  
Old 10-28-2013, 09:59 PM
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Ugh. I'm having a metformin episode tonight. Going to bed now with a warming bottle on my belly.

Also, I read an article that chocolate, real chocolate (not like Hershey) will become really scarce by 2020 because there's too much demand
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  #9519  
Old 10-28-2013, 10:29 PM
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I hate everyone and everything.
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  #9520  
Old 10-28-2013, 10:55 PM
Saeleofu Saeleofu is offline
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Ugh. I'm having a metformin episode tonight. Going to bed now with a warming bottle on my belly.
Fun fact: Earlier I was researching how, exactly, metformin works, and I learned that among other things, it "changes the faecal microbiota community profile." I about died laughing at the way it was worded, but it explains the side effects
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