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  #4621  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:43 PM
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Chaz weigh in please
I am going to meet the boy-persons family.. they know quite a bit about me and seem nice and want to meet me and he wants me to meet them..which is great.

I've asked him numerous times to please mention to his family that I'm not white. He refuses. They have no idea what I look like so previous experience has taught me to give them some notice...just in case. The awkwardness and hurt of "the family obviously didn't know and obviously care" has really hurt me before and I'd rather not experience it again.

He is offended by the accusation that his family would care. That they are open loving people who don't care what my skin color is and wants to prove it to me and thinks that him telling them like it's some big deal is stupid. He keeps trying to reassure me that they'll adore me because x,y, z

but I can say from experience that this isn't just an issue of back country hicks and crazy folk..even pleasant lovely educated families sometime shy away from their sons dating someone of a different race and don't do well with being surprised by it.

I'm already nervous and I'm sick and panicky over this. The awkwardness and "wow... _____ didn't mention you were _____" and the hushed "You aren't thinking of marrying this girl right? I mean, she's a lovely girl but..." "you know your kids will be..brown right?".. it hurts. It hurts more than I'd like to admit and it has happened twice before.

He won't budge and I think he is wrong.
and I just don't want to feel like that again.

I want to say that the times it happened I was strong and told them off and slammed doors but I didn't. I sat small and stayed polite and smiled and went home and cried my eyes out. It makes me feel..less than, like I'm not good enough and I don't want to do it again.

If he tells them, they don't like it..we can cancel. If they are fine then at least we know that and it's not like SURPRISE MY GIRLFRIEND IS ALMOND COLORED I HOPE THAT'S OK

I understand that in his eyes my race isn't an issue, and I adore him for that.. but the world isn't like him.
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  #4622  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:51 PM
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Have you told him the full backstory? Has he dated girls previously who weren't of his race?
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  #4623  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran101 View Post
Chaz weigh in please
I am going to meet the boy-persons family.. they know quite a bit about me and seem nice and want to meet me and he wants me to meet them..which is great.

I've asked him numerous times to please mention to his family that I'm not white. He refuses. They have no idea what I look like so previous experience has taught me to give them some notice...just in case. The awkwardness and hurt of "the family obviously didn't know and obviously care" has really hurt me before and I'd rather not experience it again.

He is offended by the accusation that his family would care. That they are open loving people who don't care what my skin color is and wants to prove it to me and thinks that him telling them like it's some big deal is stupid. He keeps trying to reassure me that they'll adore me because x,y, z

but I can say from experience that this isn't just an issue of back country hicks and crazy folk..even pleasant lovely educated families sometime shy away from their sons dating someone of a different race and don't do well with being surprised by it.

I'm already nervous and I'm sick and panicky over this. The awkwardness and "wow... _____ didn't mention you were _____" and the hushed "You aren't thinking of marrying this girl right? I mean, she's a lovely girl but..." "you know your kids will be..brown right?".. it hurts. It hurts more than I'd like to admit and it has happened twice before.

He won't budge and I think he is wrong.
and I just don't want to feel like that again.

I want to say that the times it happened I was strong and told them off and slammed doors but I didn't. I sat small and stayed polite and smiled and went home and cried my eyes out. It makes me feel..less than, like I'm not good enough and I don't want to do it again.

If he tells them, they don't like it..we can cancel. If they are fine then at least we know that and it's not like SURPRISE MY GIRLFRIEND IS ALMOND COLORED I HOPE THAT'S OK

I understand that in his eyes my race isn't an issue, and I adore him for that.. but the world isn't like him.
I wouldn't go unless they were told. Jason's parents will never meet me because I'm white. It's insulting but I don't care really because I would rather that than have the type of scene you described.

Additionally, I am from a VERY small, 100% white, farming community. I told my entire family Jason was not white so they could get their asses in line. And they did. I know my Grandpa had to wrap his head around it first and he's been lovely and Jason is always welcome and everything is easy. I can't say for positive it would have went so smooth without saying something first. My thoughts from a mixed racial couple.

It sucks to still deal with this but I am the type that prefers to be forthcoming than not, JUST in case.

Also *hugs* for the times people made you feel bad, what a crock of ****.
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  #4624  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Hillside View Post
Have you told him the full backstory? Has he dated girls previously who weren't of his race?
I've told him pretty vaguely that it's been an issue before but he gets all defensive "MY FAMILY IS FULL OF HIGHLY EDUCATED OPEN LOVING PEOPLE, THEY AREN'T LIKE THEM! IT DOESN'T MATTER"
or worse, he gets all loving and a little condescending like "I can't believe you have been around people who thought that way, there there, I know you are scarred but trust me, my family is different, they'll love you."

and he has not dated a girl that wasn't of his race before.

It just does not compute. He does not and never has seen my race as an issue. He thinks racism is just like loud angry violent racism done by ignorant people.. he has no idea of the little things I have to worry about, the kind of casual racism issues like this and how COMMON it is.

Ugh
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  #4625  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by FG167 View Post
I wouldn't go unless they were told. Jason's parents will never meet me because I'm white. It's insulting but I don't care really because I would rather that than have the type of scene you described.

Additionally, I am from a VERY small, 100% white, farming community. I told my entire family Jason was not white so they could get their asses in line. And they did. I know my Grandpa had to wrap his head around it first and he's been lovely and Jason is always welcome and everything is easy. I can't say for positive it would have went so smooth without saying something first. My thoughts from a mixed racial couple.

It sucks to still deal with this but I am the type that prefers to be forthcoming than not, JUST in case.

Also *hugs* for the times people made you feel bad, what a crock of ****.
This is what I'm trying to tell him, its not that I think his family is racist..it's that surprises suck and sometimes they need some time to process.

I dated an Asian person once and very firmly had to tell my family to GET IT TOGETHER and it was smooth sailing. But had I surprised them WHO KNOWS what kind of nonsense would've come out of them, just out of surprise and idiocy and alcohol.

I GOT to be the only one around when my mom was like
"YOUR KIDS WILL BE SO CUTE!! LITTLE BROWN ASIAN BABIES!"
and my brother was like
"IS HE A NINJA? IS HE HERE?"
and my 5 year old niece was like
"DOES HE LOOK LIKE THE GUY FROM MULAN?"

They got it all out of their systems and when he came to dinner, they were pleasant and awesome and adored him but they needed a minute to process.
They aren't racist they are just... blunt and awkward lol and I didn't want him to be offended.
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  #4626  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:09 PM
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If they are tech savvy I would take a picture of you two, or just you and send it to them somehow. That way it's not "HEY I'M NOT WHITE" but... they'll obviously be able to tell.

Maybe convince BF to do the picture thing and don't mention it's so they will know you aren't white?
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  #4627  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Airn View Post
If they are tech savvy I would take a picture of you two, or just you and send it to them somehow. That way it's not "HEY I'M NOT WHITE" but... they'll obviously be able to tell.

Maybe convince BF to do the picture thing and don't mention it's so they will know you aren't white?
I like this, have BF casually show a pic of you two together, "isn't she pretty?" Or with your dog and mention his breed or something.
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  #4628  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:17 PM
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I hate when people do that. What a silly thing to have to "get your way" about. If one little remark from him to his parents is going to ease your anxiety, EVEN IF his family really couldn't care less... then I'd be annoyed he is making an issue of it. Meeting the family is already a little nerve-wracking and your fears aren't unfounded. Just say it dude!

It isn't like making your SO/friend/whoever go on a rollercoaster, where, yeah, you'll push them even if they're a bit nervous, because in that case there is no other way... you've gotta just get over it an do it! Whereas here he make it more comfortable for you, in a situation where being comfortable and relaxed is kinda important because it'll help you be yourself around them.

If I were you would I be pretty firm about him having to tell them. I guess just be as open and sincere as you can and just be like "Seriously, this is just something that makes me uncomfortable and I hear what you're saying about your family being open, but I can't help but feel this way" etc.

The only thing is, if his family is as accepting as he says and they really are race-blind etc... when he tells them they'll probably know he's telling them for you. If you're fine with that then yeah... I think you have good reason to push the issue.

(I realize that was way longer than necessary, whoops lol)

ETA the picture thing is a great idea imo!
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  #4629  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:26 PM
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I like this, have BF casually show a pic of you two together, "isn't she pretty?" Or with your dog and mention his breed or something.
Ditto, this is a great idea! I think you can be straight up with him and say "Look, I know you think what I'm expecting isn't fair, and you know that I think what you are expecting isn't fair, so we need a compromise." And having him show them a picture is a great way to get "the point" across as it were without him having to feel like he needs to say "PS GUYS MY GIRLFRIEND ISN'T WHITE."

Honestly I know it's hard, but he probably isn't being insensitive - he just honest to God does not think it's an issue or have any idea it would be. I worked at my place of employment for almost five months and have been friends with my co-worker for longer, so I've talked about him before... and one day I was telling a story and related a joke he made about him being a big angry black guy...
And my mom goes "...wait... HE'S BLACK??"
I had never mentioned it before because it just didn't seem relevant. It's not like I talk about my other friends like "so my white friend..." or "so my Asian friend..." I just don't think of it as being a worthy detail. (It didn't MATTER to my mom but she had been picturing somebody entirely different all this time and had to adjust her mental picture of my friend.) So he probably just really honestly does not think of it and it's hard for him to understand why it would matter. And if it's never come up, he might not have ANY clue that it wouldn't go well.


Did you tell him the story about your family? It might help to take it back from sounding at all like "but your family might be RACIST!" (which it sounds like that's what he's hearing) if you explain that your family, who you obviously love and don't think are racist, had some comments about your Asian boyfriend.
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  #4630  
Old 04-07-2013, 08:29 PM
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I'm with you on this and would insist on the same thing in your place. Even if his parents are open minded and perfectly polite, I wouldn't want there to be any surprises. If he has never dated a girl of a different race before, his parents may unconsciously assume that his girlfriend will be white (my own mother makes the same assumption based on the guys I've been previously interested in).

I really wouldn't want to show up at a boyfriend's parents' front door practically screaming "SURPRISE! I'm Asian!!". A lot of assumptions and/or expectations can be unconscious, and it's just better to get it out of the way. I give my family a heads up when I'm dating a guy, no matter what race he is. It's not an evil racism thing (I tell them his age, too) but just a good FYI to bring up.

I like the picture idea, hopefully the boyfriend wouldn't mind being a little sneaky/subtle with his family.
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