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  #71  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:36 AM
JessLough JessLough is offline
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I love how 1 1/2 months has just magically become 6 weeks. I sure don't wait to make sure it's been exactly 6 weeks before I say "a month and a half"

I think y'all are skipping the fact that they were 1) taking it slow (which I interpret as weren't out together as often as y'all are making it seem) and 2) there's a huge chunk of that that they didn't see each other at all (didnt she say 2 weeks? If we assume 6 weeks total, that's 1/3 of the whole time)
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  #72  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:39 AM
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Because that is something IMO you shouldnt have to ask. Its pretty obvious when you first talk to me that Im a animal person and a parent. Just like the fact that I like sports and country music. Its a big part of me and my life. Just like for my husband firefighting is his. In fact about 30-40 minutes after he told me he was one his pager went off LOL.
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  #73  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JessLough View Post
I love how 1 1/2 months has just magically become 6 weeks. I sure don't wait to make sure it's been exactly 6 weeks before I say "a month and a half"

I think y'all are skipping the fact that they were 1) taking it slow (which I interpret as weren't out together as often as y'all are making it seem) and 2) there's a huge chunk of that that they didn't see each other at all (didnt she say 2 weeks? If we assume 6 weeks total, that's 1/3 of the whole time)
Ok, fine, however long it was.....more than 1 or 2 dates or convos for ME wouldve been too long to not mention kids. To ME that would be a giant red flag that required a lot more looking into. (and how is 1 1/2 months not 6 weeks about? A month is rounded to 4 weeks, so....)
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  #74  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:50 AM
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1.5 months IS 6 weeks?

And I would ask....... But I'd also talk about kids if I had them. What's to hide?
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  #75  
Old 08-07-2012, 10:50 AM
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I kinda don't blame the guy. From dating he has likely learned if he says it right away it's over. As he gets older maybe not so much but for now yeah.

And realy?! Life is here people. The kids mom likely moved for a job and life and people only move cross country and drop everything in the movies for one thing.

I saw my dad a couple times a year and lived a couple minutes from him. He wasn't a bad dad- I was over fourteen and played the you can't make me game and was a little jerk.

A dad can be there every day and be awful and he can parent great from across the country.

And as I get older I see available guys have kids and Exs and I am glad I don't have to worry about it! Just find one without a crazy ex! If everyone gets along your good. Living on opposite sides of the country your really good lol!
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  #76  
Old 08-07-2012, 05:58 PM
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I began dating a total hunk of a nice guy in college. He really was the ultimate package, and honestly, I kinda thought he was a bit out of my range if you get my drift.

Anyway, after talking and hanging out for 4 weeks, he came out to one of my soccer games with the cutest little 6-yr-old girl. After the game, I went to talk to him, and I just said (without thinking), "Oh...is this your niece? Hi. My name is...". He then dropped it on me that she was his daughter.

I was schocked. I wasn't shocked he had a daughter. I wasn't mad he had a daughter. I was shocked that in 4 weeks of seeing each other and talking every. single. day., he never felt he could mention her to me.

We ended up parting ways a couple months later (he was finishing up his schooling, I was just a freshman in college), but I never got over the hurt. One thing he learned, though, is that he doesn't have to bring his daughter into a relationship right away (I totally get protecting them), but he should disclose it some time within the first 30 minutes of the initial conversation.

ETA: "My" guy didn't do it with ill intentions. He wanted to protect her, especially since her mom left when she was 1 and had never been back (and never has to this day), so he was a single dad. He had also been in situations where girls just immediately turned off as soon as he mentioned his daughter. While he understood their not wanting to take on a child at that time (in a sense), he was also hurt by women not even giving him a chance.

If I had been further along in my schooling, we probably would've stayed together.
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  #77  
Old 08-07-2012, 06:04 PM
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To the OP, if children are not what you want, my suggestion is to peacefully get out of the relationship. You don't ever want to be in a situation where resentment can come into play because you feel as if you had been forced to accept something you never really wanted in the first place. Be fair to yourself, but be fair to this guy as well.
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  #78  
Old 08-07-2012, 06:11 PM
JessLough JessLough is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dizzy View Post
1.5 months IS 6 weeks?

And I would ask....... But I'd also talk about kids if I had them. What's to hide?

Well, a month has 30 or 31 days (not counting February), and half of that is 15. So that's 46/47 days. Which is actually 6 weeks 3/4 days, if we want to be technical like that

Point is, most people I know say 1/2 month for everything from like a week after a month to just before, so unless she is sitting there and counting to the day, 1 1/2 months doesn't necessarily mean 6 weeks. (not that it means 6 weeks really, anyway, as per above)
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  #79  
Old 08-07-2012, 06:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparks19 View Post

Be willing to love the kids or get out of the relationship.
I agree with the above statement. To me, however long it took for him to mention that he had kids is not as important as the fact that he does indeed have them. Not revealing this important info immediately doesn't necessarily mean he's lying, have ill intentions or plans to hide it from you. You can't fault someone for not laying out his entire life story in front of you until he feels a bit more secure into the relationship. He might have just waited for the right moment to tell you.. Now, the important thing is how you're going to response to it.
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  #80  
Old 08-07-2012, 09:31 PM
Kilter Kilter is offline
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I would be concerned with why the kids didn't come up sooner. Regardless of if it meant you'd walk away, it's PART OF HIS LIFE. If he doesn't care about them enough to bring them up to make sure it's ok with someone he's dating, then it's concerning - either he doesn't care about them or he doesn't care enough about other people (YOU) to be honest.

Aside from that you aren't dating just him, you're dating him, his kids and his ex. Think about how that'll work, you'd have to figure out a way to work with the ex ideally and deal with the kids as a stepmom, and how that would work, if your parenting styles will work, if you'd have a say or if it'd be just him dealing with the kids and so on. It can get messy fast! I know several people who almost got to divorce over the stepkids. In one case it did lead to that. Nice guy but shame about the kids!

If you have kids with him, you'd need to decide and agree on all the details of how his kids are treated vs your kids and so on (the current kids along with the future kids).

And be willing if it comes to it to relocate closer to his kids. That would be a possibility too, and if you said no you'd be the bad guy. More or less anything that wasn't in favor of his kids.... you get the idea.

You'd also want to be able to talk to the ex alone at some point and get her side of things. It may not be what you've been told.

True story, my brother fathered a kid, after his son was born his gf at the time found out he had a huge gambling issue and they had no savings. She kicked him out. He wasn't consistant with visiting or child support, took his son into houses with smokers (kid has asthma), didn't do a lot of things right, and more or less quit visiting etc.... He told the next gf that the old one flipped out and wouldn't let him see his son, boo hoo...... even my parents told her that. She soon figured out after they had a child that he has a gambling issue and kicked him out. Now he doesn't pay for either kid OR see either kid.

Just be careful and don't go into it with rose coloured glasses....
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