Dating someone with kids...

[Shai]

Originally Posted by yoko

You guys are saying that maybe he meant something else. So I'm just asking what else can this:



mean?

I'm saying that she actually talked to him. And that there is no way that line you keep referencing is a direct quote because it's not human speaking English. Not to mention only a vague idea of context and non of associated nonverbals. Kinda shooting in the dark there.

And mostly just that it's her life and if she has questions she should be asking him, not us word-wrestling internet hooligans . And if her reaction upon hearing what he actually said is that this is not the guy/situation for her then by all means end it. What I, personally, would do is really irrelevant. As is any baggage I may have.

Not said before but I'll add it here: And wishing her the best with whatever she decides.


ETA: OP replied while I was writing, making further replies rather moot .

[darkchild16]

Originally Posted by Dreeza

i actually did tell him that...which made me really understand his perspective and WHY he didn't tell me from the start. Every girl he has told from the start has peaced out on date one. I totally get it, honestly. And for about 3 weeks of the month & a half, we didnt see each other cause we were both out of town. I do wish he told me earlier, but that I can forgive easily. For everyone overanalyzing that...whatever. Not my issue here.

For all overanalyzing the comment of not putting his kids first...also not an issue. Again, for day to day things (we got into this), of course kids & their immediate needs come first. But from his perspective (and actually something I strongly agree with), many couples end up forgetting about their spouse once they have children...he feels it is very important to always keep the spouse's needs in minds & first when possible. I don't feel that this is usually a conflict.

I DO want to probe him a bit more about his involvement & dedication to them, as he did not seem like he wanted to get into it...but my immediate impression of it was NOT cause he didn't like them (he clearly stated he does regret his marriage, but absolutely loves his kids)...but cause he was scared really talking about them was going to for sure scare me off for good. I wasn't exactly like "oh kids!? fantastic!" I definitely had a "WTF" reaction, so its understandable (to me at least), that he didn't want to be like "OMG, let me tell you ALL about them.". If he continues not to act so closed about them, then YES, I would consider that a red flag. Right now I just see a guy with a lot of bad dating history, clueless about how to deal with his past decisions & how they are affecting how he wants to get on with his life.

RTH - as per usual, I agree with you. I can't decide if kids are a deal breaker. I think someone said something about what would happen if the ex-wife died...not that I even want to say this, cause it is horrible to think about, but honestly, while I want children...I don't want to deal with birth & babies, so I prob wouldn't have an issue with that. I am currently going as the legal guardian to my niece & nephew if anything happens (god forbid) to my sis & her husband...something I willingly agreed to...so yah?

I think the best insight this thread is giving me is how defensive of him I am being in my mind when I read the negative posts. Makes me realize how much I like him.

I posted about the mother and I didnt mean it directly towards you but the type of situation not bringing it up and saying that COULD cause.

[Dreeza]

Originally Posted by Shai

What I, personally, would do is really irrelevant. As is any baggage I may have.

.

haha thanks...you're right. I really am not trying to apply what someone else to do to my situation. Like I stated...I knew there were more questions I have for him...but just couldnt think of them. I posted this thread to help me brainstorm potential relevant implications. Mission Accomplished. Ignoring the other stuff.

[Dreeza]

Originally Posted by CaliTerp07

Meaning that right now, he can't move across the country (for whatever reason). Hypothetically he wants to, eventually. Suppose he falls in love and gets married, and he has the opportunity to move to the west coast--but at that point wife's job is stuck in DC, or wife's parents are deathly ill and they need to stay close to them, or whatever happens, and they can't move. Is he supposed to divorce her or move across the country without her? Is wife supposed to just abandon her parents because the kids should "always come first no matter what"?

Basically, that once the relationship is serious the decision to uproot and move has to be a joint decision. Because marriages are supposed to be just that.

Or maybe it's exactly what you are saying, and he's an asshat. But without knowing the whole story, I don't feel like you can make judgements one way or the other.

Thanks for the first interpretation, Cali! I completely agree that this is how it should be. While I shouldn't make assumptions, I think he was referring to the way things are now...and not some crazy horrific situation that could potentially occur down the road that could require him to uproot & move across the country. Even if that was the case, you would hope his future wife would be willing to move with him anwyays, as the whole 'spouse & their needs' thing should go both ways. And I can easily see myself doing something like that with someone whom I would deem worthy enough to be my husband if that is where life lead us.

[Dizzy]

First off the bat, I'd be questioning why he didn't TELL ME FIRST.......

The kids part is just part of life, but the fact he withheld that info would REALLY **** me off.

[release the hounds]

Originally Posted by Dizzy

First off the bat, I'd be questioning why he didn't TELL ME FIRST.......

The kids part is just part of life, but the fact he withheld that info would REALLY **** me off.

why do so many feel this way? You don't get someone's life story on a first date, or even 5th date. If kids are such a huge deal breaker, ASK. If they are such a huge deal, then why aren't you asking on the first date.

Not everyone is worth divulging things to right off the bat. yes kids are a big deal, and no, they don't need to be discussed the first night.

Kids are a heavy topic, they are a huge commitment. Maybe he/she wants to see if you even like the same types of food, entertainment, sports teams, and little trivial things like that before engaging in the big, I have kids and an ex-wife type talks.

It's not something that needs to be decided in a date, especially the first one. Those things can develop over months.

[darkchild16]

Because being a parent is a pretty big deal. Trying to date as a parent sucks but thats part of life if you become a single parent. I cant imagine hiding the fact I had kids past the first date. One why waste someones time if they dont want to be with someone with kids. Alot of things make dating sucks but thats just one thing you divulge pretty early in. Just like my husband said in the first time we talked that he was a firefighter and if that was a deal breaker then he needed to know then. We talked further and I told him my concerns and it isnt a issue obviously, I mean Im still worried and cant sleep the entire time he goes on a call but I know hes being safe and Im proud of him.

[Dizzy]

Originally Posted by release the hounds

why do so many feel this way? You don't get someone's life story on a first date, or even 5th date. If kids are such a huge deal breaker, ASK. If they are such a huge deal, then why aren't you asking on the first date.

Not everyone is worth divulging things to right off the bat. yes kids are a big deal, and no, they don't need to be discussed the first night.

Kids are a heavy topic, they are a huge commitment. Maybe he/she wants to see if you even like the same types of food, entertainment, sports teams, and little trivial things like that before engaging in the big, I have kids and an ex-wife type talks.

It's not something that needs to be decided in a date, especially the first one. Those things can develop over months.

It's not a deal maker or breaker depending on the person... but that's HUGE. I'd want to know. I'm not asking for their birth weights and whether their mummy breast fed them or not..... but I'd want to be with someone who was open from day one.

"Oh by the way, I have kids...." I'd feel duped. And if that small fact didn't crop up in conversation over a WHOLE DATE.... well... errr.... weird. And why waste your time dating someone if they don't like kids? You could find that out on date #1. If they feck off they're not worth your time. If they stick around, then fecking A!

[release the hounds]

so if it's such a big deal, then why not just ask?

Converstations take all sorts of turns on dates, especially early ones. If it's that big of deal, then the person that has the issue should bring it up I think. Take some responsibility. Otherwise, I don't see any reason why the topic of kids has to come up right away.

[Greenmagick]

I guess for me, his kids should pretty much always be on his mind so they SHOULD come up pretty early on in conversation. No, he shouldnt be talking about them nonstop, and a very first date I could maybe see them not coming up....but 6 weeks in seems odd to me. I wasnt there so just going by what has been said.