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  #51  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:42 PM
JessLough JessLough is offline
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Originally Posted by yoko View Post
his future wife/gf/whatever would come first<-- what else could that mean? I mean to me that seems pretty clear.
But you don't know that he said that. You know that that's how Dreeza took it. It very well could have been a misunderstanding, cause, you know, those never happen between people.
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  #52  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:42 PM
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hell i wouldnt even say so far as love that is IDEAL but at least LIKE and be willing to put your feelings/wants aside for this kid.
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  #53  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Shai View Post
That's putting words in my mouth in a big way. So no, not like that at all.
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Originally Posted by JessLough View Post
But you don't know that he said that. You know that that's how Dreeza took it. It very well could have been a misunderstanding, cause, you know, those never happen between people.
You guys are saying that maybe he meant something else. So I'm just asking what else can this:

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he said while it would obvs be ideal, his future wife/gf/whatever would come first, and she would have to be ok with it.
mean?
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  #54  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:46 PM
JessLough JessLough is offline
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Originally Posted by sparks19 View Post
Really?

"minus the kids I have no reservations at all". "it doesn't seem he wants a mother for his kids". It could VERY easily end up that he becomes soul guardian of the kids if anything happened to mom. You get involved with someone with kids... You need to be prepared to be step mom/acting mom.

Be willing to love the kids or get out of the relationship.
I don't know, I mean, there's going to be some "con" to every person you start a relationship with. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You weigh the pros and the cons and see if the relationship is worth persuing to you. The cons aren't a bad thing, it's just the less than ideal. Obviously, if she's thinking about staying with him, they're not the worst thing ever.

It's good he doesn't want a mother for his children. His children have a mother. She will NEVER be their mother, whether he suddenly has custody or not.
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  #55  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:46 PM
JessLough JessLough is offline
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You guys are saying that maybe he meant something else. So I'm just asking what else can this:



mean?
It could mean that that is what she took it to mean.

I mean, I know that when I say somebody said something, I don't say word for word what they said. I say my interpretation of what they said/how I remember it.
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  #56  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:47 PM
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Forget HIS plans for the future. What sticks out to me is that you say if he had said this from the start you would be out of there but since he almost never sees them it seems ok. I would end it right there. He has children... You woild have ended it if you knew before bit since they aren't around it is OK but that could change in an instant.

If you don't want to be a step mom
And deal with his kids full time then end it. You are doing a disservice to both of you by going along as long as the kids are on the other side of the country.

At least be honest with him that you would have been out of there by day one if you knew he had kids and that you are not willing to be a step mother.
i actually did tell him that...which made me really understand his perspective and WHY he didn't tell me from the start. Every girl he has told from the start has peaced out on date one. I totally get it, honestly. And for about 3 weeks of the month & a half, we didnt see each other cause we were both out of town. I do wish he told me earlier, but that I can forgive easily. For everyone overanalyzing that...whatever. Not my issue here.

For all overanalyzing the comment of not putting his kids first...also not an issue. Again, for day to day things (we got into this), of course kids & their immediate needs come first. But from his perspective (and actually something I strongly agree with), many couples end up forgetting about their spouse once they have children...he feels it is very important to always keep the spouse's needs in minds & first when possible. I don't feel that this is usually a conflict.

I DO want to probe him a bit more about his involvement & dedication to them, as he did not seem like he wanted to get into it...but my immediate impression of it was NOT cause he didn't like them (he clearly stated he does regret his marriage, but absolutely loves his kids)...but cause he was scared really talking about them was going to for sure scare me off for good. I wasn't exactly like "oh kids!? fantastic!" I definitely had a "WTF" reaction, so its understandable (to me at least), that he didn't want to be like "OMG, let me tell you ALL about them.". If he continues not to act so closed about them, then YES, I would consider that a red flag. Right now I just see a guy with a lot of bad dating history, clueless about how to deal with his past decisions & how they are affecting how he wants to get on with his life.

RTH - as per usual, I agree with you. I can't decide if kids are a deal breaker. I think someone said something about what would happen if the ex-wife died...not that I even want to say this, cause it is horrible to think about, but honestly, while I want children...I don't want to deal with birth & babies, so I prob wouldn't have an issue with that. I am currently going as the legal guardian to my niece & nephew if anything happens (god forbid) to my sis & her husband...something I willingly agreed to...so yah?

I think the best insight this thread is giving me is how defensive of him I am being in my mind when I read the negative posts. Makes me realize how much I like him.
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  #57  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:48 PM
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I think at this point, I am willing to pursue things & collect further info. You guys have definitely helped me raise some additional, important questions.
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  #58  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:49 PM
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Originally Posted by JessLough View Post
I don't know, I mean, there's going to be some "con" to every person you start a relationship with. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You weigh the pros and the cons and see if the relationship is worth persuing to you. The cons aren't a bad thing, it's just the less than ideal. Obviously, if she's thinking about staying with him, they're not the worst thing ever.

It's good he doesn't want a mother for his children. His children have a mother. She will NEVER be their mother, whether he suddenly has custody or not.
no but she will be in a mother role and if she doesnt want that responsibility then its not fair to her, him or the kids. I was not Connors mom and I still made sure he got to the dr when he was sick, school meetings, meds, feeding him, making sure he was cared for was all part of my life because we were living together raising kids.
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  #59  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:49 PM
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Originally Posted by JessLough View Post
It could mean that that is what she took it to mean.

I mean, I know that when I say somebody said something, I don't say word for word what they said. I say my interpretation of what they said/how I remember it.
Sounds like she took it to mean what he meant it to mean. Something like what he said doesn't really have that many meanings.
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  #60  
Old 08-06-2012, 10:50 PM
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Originally Posted by yoko View Post
mean?
Meaning that right now, he can't move across the country (for whatever reason). Hypothetically he wants to, eventually. Suppose he falls in love and gets married, and he has the opportunity to move to the west coast--but at that point wife's job is stuck in DC, or wife's parents are deathly ill and they need to stay close to them, or whatever happens, and they can't move. Is he supposed to divorce her or move across the country without her? Is wife supposed to just abandon her parents because the kids should "always come first no matter what"?

Basically, that once the relationship is serious the decision to uproot and move has to be a joint decision. Because marriages are supposed to be just that.

Or maybe it's exactly what you are saying, and he's an asshat. But without knowing the whole story, I don't feel like you can make judgements one way or the other.
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