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  #31  
Old 08-04-2012, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by StephyMei1112 View Post
I won't go. If I absolutely MUST - I will ignore him completely or wait it out in another room.

I really distrust him - he's not a innocent old man. So I have no idea what is true delusion, false premise, "hamming" it up, or so on. I can't give him the benefit of the doubt...again.
No one wants to believe that happens, but it does. I watched Blanche (Charley's mother) do it to him over and over again, right after she'd been perfectly lucid with me, or she'd revert to being "normal" after he left.

Several of the nurses even told me, after they'd seen her get him upset by acting similarly to how you've described your grandfather, that she'd grinned after he was out the door and said, "I can always upset him like that, it works every time." She also knew he had very high blood pressure and remarked on that, too.

So don't let anyone guilt trip you. You just don't know when they're shamming -- but then again, you really do. It's just hard to accept that someone would choose to be that way.
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  #32  
Old 08-04-2012, 03:20 PM
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I don't think people are trying to guilt trip, but really... what's the point of engaging him regardless of the cause of his behavior?

If he's really not in control of his faculties, there's no point regardless of your history with him. If he's trying to push your buttons, why choose to participate in that? Either way, just don't go or ignore him. *shrug*
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  #33  
Old 08-04-2012, 11:27 PM
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Sorry you and Charley had to go through that Renee =( and thanks so much for all your great advice.

A few people have tried to guilt trip me actually - not to much success though. I haven't been to see him since the beginning of this thread - but if I must go again my game plan is silent treatment.
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  #34  
Old 08-04-2012, 11:53 PM
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Honestly I wouldn't visit my grandfather if he treated me like that. It's unhealthy for you AND for him... so why go out of your way to put yourself through that kind of verbal abuse? How sad and ridiculous. If my grandparent talked like that about my virginity I would be seriously offended and creeped out. If he is man enough to swallow his pride, he'll apologize to you - if not, it's up to you whether or not you want to see him.

I had a great-grandmother who was a straight up bitch. She had been a bitch her whole life, and just got nasty in her old age. I would visit her on birthdays and holidays, smile, nod and avoid all conversation. If she said something rude I would say "that's not very nice" and leave the room. She passed away & I'm honestly glad I don't have to put up with her anymore, nor do I feel guilty for not tolerating the verbal abuse.
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  #35  
Old 08-05-2012, 04:58 AM
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I can't even muster up a smile in front of him anymore.

I might as well get this off my chest as well...

I'm sure everyone remembers the incident in February/March of a woman newscaster getting bitten in the face on a segment after kissing and smothering a Cane Corso that was rescued from a traumatic situation (f*cking idiot btw). Well I was on a visit to my granddad's about a week after it was all over the news - he was ALOT more coherent then than he is right now. He said very consciously something along the lines of (exact is in bold):

"You be careful, don't kiss that dog of yours - it may bite your eyes or face. Humans are humans animals are animals. You will throw your dog away the moment it bites you, when the dog bites you that's when you will kill all the dogs."

This was after the topic had come up and I had explained that a dog after that kind of an experience needed space and it was the womans fault.
He was NOT blurred at all when he said this - he was making good sense of other things and was clear in thought and speech. He said it to antagonize me and I did something that I wasn't and am not proud of - but it happened and is history now; I leaned in and said "You know nothing about animals and you know even less about people - you are a insufferable idiot and I hate you". I promptly left right after and didn't see him again for another 5 weeks and that was only because my mom was screaming and forcing me to go.

I don't think our relationship can go on or has anywhere else to go. I won't put up with his horsesh!t and he won't stop doling it out or thinking that he's totally perfect. So yeah - goodbye to all that I guess.
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  #36  
Old 08-05-2012, 06:14 AM
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The true sign of maturity is to not react to people pushing your buttons.
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  #37  
Old 08-05-2012, 08:41 AM
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I guess it's just hard for me to wrap my head around willingly participating in the toxicity and then complaining about how horrible it is... You can't control his behavior, but you can certainly control whether or not you shout F*CK YOU or whisper "I hate you" at him when he says something hurtful, or indeed whether you go at all. *shrug*
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  #38  
Old 08-05-2012, 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted by sassafras View Post
I guess it's just hard for me to wrap my head around willingly participating in the toxicity and then complaining about how horrible it is... You can't control his behavior, but you can certainly control whether or not you shout F*CK YOU or whisper "I hate you" at him when he says something hurtful, or indeed whether you go at all. *shrug*
I agree with this.
You can't control other people or their actions but you sure can control wether to allow people to be a part of your life.

I am ALL FOR family. But a toxic relationship is a toxic relationship and frankly, life is too short to be around people who make you feel that way.

I am willing to take a lot from old people. The occasional bit of unintentional racism, innapropriate humor, bodily functions, bad candy etc..
but intentional cruelty is way more then I think anyone should have to take.
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  #39  
Old 08-05-2012, 09:01 AM
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Quote:
I guess it's just hard for me to wrap my head around willingly participating in the toxicity and then complaining about how horrible it is... You can't control his behavior, but you can certainly control whether or not you shout F*CK YOU or whisper "I hate you" at him when he says something hurtful, or indeed whether you go at all. *shrug*
Yeah, that.

I had a grandmother who was abusive, both verbally and, as I look back at stuff that happened when I was younger, in other ways. She took it out heavily on my mother and us grandkids, as she felt my mother wasn't good enough for my father. Now, I was lucky enough that my mother eventually put her foot down and wouldn't allow us to be with her unsupervised, but plenty of stuff still happened before. Losing our temper, swearing at her, etc wasn't something that would ever fix it. It just increases the amount of hate.

By all means, avoid him. Be calm and cool if you have to see him. Nothing pisses off someone trying to rile you up more than you refusing to lose your cool. I've gotten so good at it, that I almost enjoy it when someone tries to get me upset
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  #40  
Old 08-05-2012, 03:22 PM
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Like I said - I wasn't and am not proud of it. And due to certain cultural stigmas and the behavior of my mom - I sometimes can't control if I go or not in the first place. She'll really bitch at me and turn the house upside down; so it's either go and put up with it for 45 minutes and get relative peace at home for a good while or outright refuse and have her tearing the place apart. I will hopefully be left out of future visits or will plan something else on those days.
For her - it's NOT acceptable that I don't go.

I avoid him like the black plague - I shall keep my resolve strong to just ignore him completely if I do have to see him again.

Why is it though that I'm alot more patient, compassionate, and easy going with other old people?

My classmate's grandmother lives with her and we sometimes gathered at her house for projects etc. Her grandma had bad memory and was sometimes very confused - as much if not more so than my granddad. I asked if I could do anything to help or calm her down and helped my classmate to settle her in bed when she couldn't handle it alone.

Then again she never said anything mean or abusive to me and we don't have a history...
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Feudin' and fightin' and a-fussin,'
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We are such neighborly people, peaceful and sweet!
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http://inugami1112.wordpress.com/

"And it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."


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