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  #11  
Old 07-31-2012, 10:27 AM
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I have experienced the other side. My grandma IA the sweetest person I know....but with the dimentia and medications.....well...she isn't so nice anymore.

Obviously if someone did a heinous crime then they don't deserve respect no matter the age.

I do have to say that I found peace in letting go of the hatred I had for the abuser in my life and moving forward with life. I still talk to the person and do love them but, I don't allow tthem to treat me bad, simply because I walk away from it now.

I do find that if a person has a disease,the past doesn't matter to me. Bethe bigger person.
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  #12  
Old 07-31-2012, 11:09 AM
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My grandfather hasn't been all terrible - but he's no saint either. This stuff hasn't just started since he was diagnosed with dementia (which wasn't all that long ago) but has been going on since I existed and ever since we had a relationship. I can let go and forgive him perhaps - but I can't see him again that's for sure. We absolutely WILL butt heads again.

Thanks Renee and Romy =)

Well that is true, less qualms about being more open/candid I guess. Funny though - he apparently doesn't speak like that to and is more reserved/polite with my cousins and uncles/aunts. So it's definitely not an attitude in general towards everyone I suppose....

My dad was up early this morning to get ready for a trip across the border to do some business in Seattle. We met in the kitchen and had a good chat for a while. He asked when I was getting my next dog and that a Caucasian Ovcharka would be "cool" - I explained it was far from a run of the mill sort of canine and that I wasn't ready for it yet; one day though. He said I was responsible and honest for not just "wanting it" and it was good I was doing the proper research on things; we got to the subject of my grandfather though and he brought up the following points I was unaware of until he told me:

* He isn't on meds for dementia or anything mental wise. Just blood pressure pills, cancer pills, vitamins etc. Dad doesn't know if he should be on meds for his mental state though.

* He doesn't receive any other care besides a daily 4 hour privately hired Filipino domestic worker whom has no actual medical credentials or qualifications. I've met the helper but previously assumed it was round the clock service. Not sure how he manages in evenings and weekends.

* He has admitted to dad, as well as other relatives that he sometimes "pretends" to be more ill than he actually is in order to receive better care/more attention. I can't say if this is true or not but if it is it just makes him look even more despicable to me. Dad has a hunch it sort of is though.

* That he is in general more docile, even tempered, and "nice" to his other grandkids and his own kids. He's never talked to one of them about them being his property etc etc like he did to me. But he does ramble on about strange things/delusions to everyone in general.


* He has great difficulty with hygiene and keeping himself clean. Indeed his room reeked of urine and I don't wanna know what else when we visited last night and he wasn't properly dressed (he didn't even have proper trousers on). I imagined he struggled with things around the house but I didn't know it was to the point that he couldn't dress or clean himself.

Ok....so I don't know what to make of it or think of it if he's only talking down to me and he is manipulating people by exaggerating his condition to certain points. Whatever, I don't really care anymore; I won't visit him again and if we do ever meet - if he starts something like that up again I'll just leave, period. Otherwise I'll be cordial.
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  #13  
Old 07-31-2012, 11:51 AM
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The whole thing sounds very unpleasant and I really feel for you. It is so hard to deal with.

My Dad, when he was in his last year or two of life was pretty nasty to me...rude. And for nothing. He was critical about the way I did everything and would jump down my throat in front of other family members, but never did he treat others like that. He was not demented in the least until the very last, due to cancer that went into his brain. It always baffled me how he hollered at me, a 55 or 56 year old adult, as though I were a kid. We had not always had that kind of relationship is the thing. Maybe he just didn't feel well, as he was getting sicker and I was the whipping boy since I just naturally have the kind of personality (believe it or not) something like that of a door mat to people who are ready to walk on me. (weah, weah, weah ) lol....My sister, on the other hand is someone that one naturally perceives to be NOT a person to reckon with. She's tough as nails or comes across that way. He wouldn't dare have treated her the way he did me.

So, something about getting old and damage or something being done in the brain can cause a terrible situation. I think since you are affected so adversely, that it is a wise decision to avoid him like the plague. It won't matter to him. He seems to be very, very delusional and messed up, so it might not be long until you are nothing more than a 2 dimensional cartoon character to him. And then he might well forget everything. It's too bad, but I don't see anything wrong with steering clear. There's no reason to keep all this in the forefront of your mind. It's hurtful and damaging. But DO try everything in your power to forgive and put it behind you...chalk it up to something wrong in him, not in you. And move on. It's really, really damaging to have a lot of disdain and resentment clinging to you for a long time. (((hugs)))
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  #14  
Old 07-31-2012, 01:14 PM
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It sounds like he isn't all there mentally. And as mad as you are you might mention finding better care for him, possibly a home. It doesn't sound like he is capable enough any more to just have someone checking in on him.
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Old 07-31-2012, 01:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Renee750il View Post
I've often thought that the older we get, the more ourselves we become, and dementia doesn't seem to change that, if anything, it seems to exacerbate it, stripping away whatever inhibitions we had about how we interact with and treat other people.

In other words, nice people seem to get nicer and assholes seem to get . . . assholey-er.
I kind of disagree. I think when people get older they just quit caring.

My brother and I are both adopted from korea. When my great grandpa got dementia he went from the nicest man alive who had always supported my brother and I to someone we couldn't even be in the room with. He I guess reverted to his military days. He recognized my grandparents and my dad and his siblings but the second he saw my brother he's go crazy and scream at him for killing his friends. He even took my brother down once when he came in the room my great gpa freaked out, threw a chair at him and takes him down.

I really can't get myself to believe that was my real great gpa coming out. Where he in his right mind he would have been ashamed that my brother went through that because of him.
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  #16  
Old 07-31-2012, 01:49 PM
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Stephy, he sounds like he's acting a lot like Charley's (ex BF) mother did, right down to the pretending to be worse for attention. Blanche even went so far as to BRAG about doing it to the nurse. Ignoring them when they act like asses is about all you can do. It saves your sanity and it takes the enjoyment out of treating you like that

She was also careful who she treated like hell. She was sweet and civilized and the perfect little southern lady with the in-home nurses who came three times a week and anyone from her old church . . . and then she was HELL on me and Charley.

Yoko, not everyone follows the same pattern, and having lived through a war surely leaves deep impressions that can surface later and cause someone to really act out of character.
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  #17  
Old 07-31-2012, 01:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yoko View Post
I kind of disagree. I think when people get older they just quit caring.

My brother and I are both adopted from korea. When my great grandpa got dementia he went from the nicest man alive who had always supported my brother and I to someone we couldn't even be in the room with. He I guess reverted to his military days. He recognized my grandparents and my dad and his siblings but the second he saw my brother he's go crazy and scream at him for killing his friends. He even took my brother down once when he came in the room my great gpa freaked out, threw a chair at him and takes him down.

I really can't get myself to believe that was my real great gpa coming out. Where he in his right mind he would have been ashamed that my brother went through that because of him.
That's not quite the same as someone who gets old and is just generally abusive. That's an old man who survived a horrific war, having flashbacks in on top of his dementia. I'm so sorry you and your brother had to experience that. It sounds really hard for everyone.
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  #18  
Old 07-31-2012, 01:59 PM
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While war flashbacks are different, I do know of non veterans who followed similar patterns. They weren't even diagnosed with dementia at first, just started really acting out towards certain family members.
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Old 07-31-2012, 02:16 PM
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Always remember that we all get old and let's hope that our children and grandchildren will be there for us.
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  #20  
Old 07-31-2012, 07:08 PM
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I don't plan on kids at all, so doesn't really apply to me. But I get the point and agree.

Yoko,

I'll bring it up to my dad when he gets home late tonight. I agree he should have more care. He wasn't in the war (he claims he exercised troops though - I take that with a large dose of salt) or suffered any major sort of traumatic experience (at least to my knowledge), and I don't know if he does ever have flashbacks - but I'm just guessing probably not.

Renee,

Exactly. The lines are blurring more for him though because dad said he wasn't quite sure what was being "pretended" and what was actual decline.
My grandmother was the opposite (not his wife - but my dad's mom), she was incredibly sharp down to her last breath, very cutthroat, wicked sense of humor and took no BS from anyone. She was quite quick to be snarky or cynical but was never abusive, never talked down to anyone, and never discriminated anyone based on their lifestyle choices.

Sigh, why aren't there any nice, innocent, mild old people in my life??
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Feudin' and fightin' and a-fussin,'
That's all that's goin' on with us'n!
We are such neighborly people, peaceful and sweet!
All except when we happen to meet.


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http://inugami1112.wordpress.com/

"And it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."


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