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Old 07-31-2012, 01:31 AM
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Default My toxic relationship with my granddad

God...

This day just keeps getting better:

*I woke up with a sore leg
*I had a argument/unpleasent exchange with my friend on text
*Katalin got harassed by a Boxer while we were out on a walk
*I'm skimped but I had to pay my cell bill of $77
*I got into a huge fight with my grandfather
*I got into a bigger fight my brother and mom

I just finished visiting my grandad at his place with my parents and brother. He was unbearable, delusional, clouded, and really just quite a arrogant a$shole.

He was rather quiet to start out with - then he started talking about how he saw someone else with the same sort of dog as I had, and that he heard my dog barking in his basement over 150 times which he counted (.....). After that he started going on about how he traveled the world, a water spring in his home, and that because of that he owned the United States.

Things got bad when he started saying that he was with my parents when they went for a medical appointment when my mom was pregnant and the OBGYN did the ultrasound - he saw me; and declared (this evening to my face - I'm not sure about the actual time of ultrasound) that I was his property.

I flared up and yelled and said that we were in North America 2012, that no one, especially him, could claim ownership over any other human being and that I wasn't anyone's property, but definitely not his.

He said something about me being property of God. I said if I believed in any religion or not wasn't his to say.

If this isn't bizarre enough for you at this point, brace for impact...

He says something about how many cars do I own at a hotel. I say I don't own any car nor a hotel. He asks if I know where the boundary of the hotel property was - I say I have no idea what he's talking about. He says I am good for nothing because I can't answer those questions and all I have is a dog and that my boyfriend and "parents in law" rejected me because of not being a virgin.

I struck back with a "f@ck off!" and telling him how none of any of my life was his business at all, how I haven't shared anything with him because I don't feel comfortable, and that even if he isn't feeling well or clear in mind it was no excuse to speak in that manner about those things. I lost it and called him a "deluded bitter old daydreaming fool".

He said even if I didn't like it I was a part of his life and that he could find out what he wanted of me through his computer (he has never touched a computer let alone owned one in his life) - he said his "flat computer" could show him everything (my cousin must have showed him pictures on an iPad/tablet when they visited him I'm guessing). I said "Fine, where is it? show me" - he replied "It's not it's in China in the book!". After I shot a few choice words his way I stormed out into the backyard and was visited by the neighbor's off-leash Golden which I played with for a while before everyone else finished with him inside.

He's been arrogant all his life - he's the type of person that thinks whatever he does is always unquestionably right. He believes he has authority over the younger folks that are related to him just because he's a elder of the family. Doctors diagnosed him with mild dementia not long ago - it's very apparent and hasn't helped him become anymore pleasant.

My relationship with him has been a long, complicated, strange, and twisted one. We've been close at points but...it's been difficult, very difficult. He isn't open minded and sees it as his business and responsibility to get involved in anyone related to him's business and lives.

I try to be on "good behavior" when in his presence - especially nowadays. But it's really really difficult when he gets all high and mighty about things and starts talking down to me. There are alot of people out there with dementia, Alzheimer's etc - but they don't go around talking random sh!t about others. My attitude, insolence, and radical non-conformist attitude towards family are definitely big factors in this and I am to blame for quite a large number of things as well, but I have tried as best I could to make things smooth/easy for us - he has full knowledge of how I feel and how he has made me feel and he doesn't try to change an iota, nor does he think he's doing anything wrong.

*deep breath* OK. Thanks for viewing and letting me get that off my chest. A night of dog walking, cold beer, an article on dog shows, and Youtubing wildlife shows awaits.
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Old 07-31-2012, 01:58 AM
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(((((Tonsofhugs))))))))

So sorry that you had such a crappy day. Your granddad sounds totally delusional, like he's losing it from dementia or maybe he's on meds that are affecting him. You're right, that it's no excuse. I'm sorry he's so abusive and angry and that his delusions are making it worse. Is there any way you can be excused from visiting him from now on without a family fight? Obviously it's upsetting for both of you so maybe your parents wouldn't give you a hard time about you cutting ties if it keeps your grandpa on a more even keel. Bleah. That's twisted and totally not how things should work, but might end up in your favor anyway.

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Old 07-31-2012, 02:05 AM
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I am of the opinion that he is an old man who is delusional. Ignore him. Screaming at him make you look crazy. Not the other way around.
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Old 07-31-2012, 02:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puppydog View Post
I am of the opinion that he is an old man who is delusional. Ignore him. Screaming at him make you look crazy. Not the other way around.
Agreed - that was my (hopefully) last visit to him. It's hard not to lose temper when he was saying all that stuff though.

I was glad my dad stood up for me abit (sort of) - when my mom and brother were both bitching at me in the car ride home my dad said -

"Honey, I know he's hard to bear - I'll tell him you're on vacation or busy next time we visit."

My mom proceeded to then bitch at him - he just sort of gave her a look and kept driving without saying anything.
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"And it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."


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Old 07-31-2012, 02:21 AM
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I live with my Grandma who has moderate Dementia. She is a mean mean woman now, yells at people cusses,is just fairly volatile....at times. Sometimes she is this way and other times she is like tthe sweet lady I grew up with.

You have to remember they have a disease. It develops over time and gets worse.

When my grandma is being hurtful, I turn the other cheek. Cause I know she doesn't mean it and in less rhan 10 minutes, she wont remember saying it.

As much as I'd like to lash back, its not right. She is an 80 year old woman and yelling at her does nothing bit hurt us both. She deserves respect, she has seen wars,depressions and other horrible things, lost her 2 sons and her husband in her lifetime.

If you have a volatile relationship with tour grandpa, then don't go see him or if you have to go, don't respond negatively, change the subject or walk away but don't yell at him. He deserves your respect unless he did something horrible to you in your life.
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Old 07-31-2012, 02:30 AM
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He has been judgmental, narrow minded, hurtful, non-accepting, meddling, irresponsible (in more ways than one), and reckless. I saw all this as a child and in my teens and he was more than fine and completely in sound mind - does all that warrant respect to me? Absolutely not. Sorry.

If I absolutely have to see him again I will just leave the room/house/place if he starts going on about something like that again, if I can't leave I'll just keep completely quiet and turn into a piece of furniture for the duration. I'll tolerate it if I can't leave the situation but I won't be stepped on or humor him either.

I respect all living being's right to exist, be treated civilly and justly (except for perhaps Justin Beiber and Michael Vick), and the fact of their basic human/animal rights. I can't respect the fact of what damage my grandfather has done either with or without intention. and I will not and cannot stand to be spoken down to, abused, or ridiculed.
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Feudin' and fightin' and a-fussin,'
That's all that's goin' on with us'n!
We are such neighborly people, peaceful and sweet!
All except when we happen to meet.


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http://inugami1112.wordpress.com/

"And it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."


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Old 07-31-2012, 02:40 AM
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I can't feel good inside if I treat someone bad who has a disease.

I have not had an easy life by any means...but it made me who I am today and I overcame the past.

The past is the past and if you walk around with your head backwards dwelling on the past....your future will be running into a brick wall.

If you're over 18...get over it. Dwelling on how horrible someone is, was etc. Isn't going to change anything.

I feel all elderly people deserve respect. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be here.
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Old 07-31-2012, 02:57 AM
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In most cases I do believe we should respect our elders, but being old doesn't give anyone a free pass for respect. There are plenty of elderly child molesters in the world and I will never muster enough positive feeling for any of them to come close to respect. If some of those child molesters happened to reproduce in their younger days, I still won't respect them any more than I do now simply because they contributed DNA to the next generation. I wouldn't hold it against their descendants if they didn't respect their elder family members due to child molesting. By extension, why is any other abusive behavior given a free pass? Nobody should feel obligated to respect an abuser.

Letting go of the bad feelings towards someone who has wronged you is healthy regardless of how old they are, but it doesn't mean you need to continue to put yourself in the position to be abused. He has a history of verbally and emotionally abusing her when he had a sound mind. The illness just caused the bad behavior to escalate.

Stephy, just leaving the room is probably the best thing you can do if you're faced with that situation again. I'm glad your dad stood up for you.
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Old 07-31-2012, 05:44 AM
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I've often thought that the older we get, the more ourselves we become, and dementia doesn't seem to change that, if anything, it seems to exacerbate it, stripping away whatever inhibitions we had about how we interact with and treat other people.

In other words, nice people seem to get nicer and assholes seem to get . . . assholey-er.
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Old 07-31-2012, 10:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Renee750il View Post
In other words, nice people seem to get nicer and assholes seem to get . . . assholey-er.
Best. Adjective. Ever.



I've often found that's the case, but it seems like there are exceptions. Especially when strokes are involved and there's damage to the frontal cortex, or multiple combinations of prescription drugs are really screwing with stuff.
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