Dog Site - Dog Stuff
Dog Forum | Dog Pictures

Go Back   Chazhound Dog Forum > Dog Forum News > The Fire Hydrant


Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-27-2012, 01:40 PM
ACooper's Avatar
ACooper ACooper is offline
<--------Orson
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: IN
Posts: 27,689
Default "favorite child"....

This was mentioned in the other family thread (by Cali ) and it made me want more opinions on the subject. I was going to do a poll, but I think there are far too many variables. I'll just ask here and you can adjust as needed in your post

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?


For me, I wasn't the favorite and at the same time I was relied upon heavily since I was the oldest of 5. My brother (surprisingly not the youngest child, he is the oldest boy actually) was the favorite, or at least coddled the most. I was given more responsibilities and he was given ZERO responsibilities. He was never held accountable for anything.

Looking back, I am thankful. He turned out an irresponsible mess as you'd expect. Doesn't hold a job, doesn't take care of his bills, and most importantly, doesn't take care of his children/child support responsibilities Part of me blames him, he's an adult now, it's looong past time for him to grow up. Then there's the part of me that knows it's my parents fault as well.........they helped mold him into what he is

My husband has one sister, OLDER SISTER, she was/is the favorite. Even now the difference made is staggering. She is in her 40's and mom/dad still pay for her existence, seriously raised her 5 children, currently paying for one of them to be in college, you name it, they do it. It's sad how crippled she is by them. Some day when they die, I really don't know what will become of her.

But again, I look at that situation and am soooo thankful. My husband is the man he is because they doted on HER and not him. I couldn't have gone on a single date, never mind marry someone like that!

Further proof that spoiling your children is NOT doing them any favors!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-27-2012, 02:06 PM
CaliTerp07's Avatar
CaliTerp07 CaliTerp07 is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 7,637
Default

My parents did their very best to treat us equally. Neither of us was spoiled, neither of us was coddled...I say my sister was the favorite child because she just seems to get along better with my dad. They have similar interests in biking/hiking/camping type things, enjoy the same movies, etc. My dad had no clue how to relate to a daughter who didn't want to get dirty.

Even now, when I go home for my 1 week per year I see my parents, he'll usually spend the mornings before work riding bikes with my sister, and spend the weekend in the yard doing things I have no interest in.

I don't think he likes me any less, I think he just truly has no clue how to relate to me. It's frustrating to have to beg him to do anything with me when I'm home (and oh boy, my sister resents it if I try to borrow a bike and encroach on "her" daddy time).

My sister and I are only 1 year apart though, and I really don't think that's healthy. I would have loved a sibling 4-5 years older or younger than me, but 1 year just created competition. She's doing fine though--full scholarship, college degree with a double major in 3 years, full time employment...she still lives at home because Santa Barbara rents start at $1800 for a 1 br apartment and none of them allow pets, but on a scale of 1-10, she's solidly an 8 or a 9
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-27-2012, 02:08 PM
puppydog's Avatar
puppydog puppydog is offline
Tru evil has no pantyline
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 7,498
Default

There were never favourites growing up. My mother protected us and fought for us very equally. Of course there were swings and round abouts but that's life.

Recent circumstances have unfortunately made it so that I am the only one in contact with my parents which is very sad as it hurts them deeply.

My mother and I have always been very close because I make an effort with her. She is a very, very close friend to me and I am so grateful for that closeness.
__________________


Run free my special angel. I love you and will miss you forever more. You touched everyone with your light.

Abusive ground RAW feeder since 2009

Blog---> http://bananarepublic-ct.blogspot.com/
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-27-2012, 02:08 PM
Fran101's Avatar
Fran101 Fran101 is offline
Resident fainting goat
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 12,388
Default

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

yes. lol being the youngest and being the only girl... it kind of put me in an automatic "favorite" position. Plus my parents thought they couldn't have any more children AND lost a baby girl before me..

BUT the favorite child crown bounced back and forth depending on who did something extraordinary.

It was a lot of pressure mostly.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

My brothers resented me when we were little..sibling rivalry and all. I got away with more, I was coddled, but that's mostly just being the youngest.
More then we hated/resented.. we fought for my parents attention/approval.

All of the favorites issues manifested into competing. We get along fine and are best friends.. BUT academically especially, we had to be better.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

We all turned out more competitive then most siblings I know. I think A LOT of that has to do with the "earn your affection"/"best grades/more accomplishments gets the attention" attitude my parents sometimes had.

We had to have the BEST grades...best GPAs.. most awards.. we competed with each other for our parents attention.

We all turned out pretty well. My brother is going to be a cardio-thor. surgeon, other is a lawyer at a great law-firm..I'm headed to law-school and my grades are good.

Employers and teachers especially have always loved us. I think the almost desperate aiming to please and competitive natures featured in us due to the whole favorite thing certainly has helped in that sense.

My parents adored us, spoiled us.. I don't want this to sound like they are these awful people, because they are AMAZING PARENTS. But, without trying to, they did put us on the impossible pursuit to perfection.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?


Umm.. I'm not sure how to answer this but here are just some personality traits DUE to the favorite thing.

ACADEMICS
- Good grades were often SHOWCASED.
- Parents would doddle over honor rolls, test scores
- Bs or lower were ignored. And the child who received the low grade was given the subtle "we know you can do better. just try harder" while the other kid was given a parade for getting an A. It wasn't BAD attention, it was just NO attention..and it worked.

PERSONALITY
-We are competitive.
- We aim to please..especially those in authority. We feel like we have to "earn" affection and praise..we have to be "worth" loving or worth the space we take up.
- We are tenacious. We will work ourselves to exhaustion to be the best.

PHYSICAL
- We all have body image issues. My brothers workout. I had an eating disorder. It is the constant pursuit of perfection that comes with always being one step behind the "favorite" child or trying to keep being the favorite.

RELATIONSHIPS
- Aiming to please come into play. There is a lot of "Am I doing this right? Why do you love me?" We feel like we have to EARN love and that we have to fight to keep the other person. We have to be the PERFECT boyfriend/girlfriend in order to deserve it.

It's funny because we just had a talk about this as a family with a therapist and a lot of these stuff came out.

Not being the favorite.. it made us work harder.
BUT the perks of there not really being ONE favorite is that we learned to be independent.. nobody is the little baby really. We are all spoiled evenly I suppose lol there is no resentment between us or about our parents.. we adore them and they adore us.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-27-2012, 02:13 PM
yoko's Avatar
yoko yoko is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 5,341
Default

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

I wasn't my brother was. My dad worked a lot so that my mom could stay home and so we could all afford to live in our own home. My mother LOVED my brother... me not so much.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

When I was younger and I didn't understand it I did. I was not close with my brother or mom. I just avoided them as much as I could.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

He's actually turned out pretty well. He's only got a year left in college and he's studying environmental law. He's pretty responsible and we get along a lot better now.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

There were a LOT.

When we got in trouble we got grounded. For my brother it was usually a day or so until my mom was like 'ohh... ok you are done'. But for me my mom pulled everything out of my room. Pictures, books, dressers, desk. She'd leave a mattress and a pile of clothes. She'd even take away my clock because it had a radio and she didn't want me to listen to it and I was stuck there until her words exactly: 'I feel like seeing your face'. This was when I was in middle school so I was pretty young.

We'd go out on weekends where she would buy my brother hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and then scream at me when I asked to buy a book because I was wasting money. My brother got new clothes 2 times a year. I got them maybe every 3 years if I was lucky. One time my dad did see this happen though and the next day I came home to a giant stack of books I had been wanting. I still have every single one of those.

My brother's friends could do no wrong. My mom volunteered to work with band and football. A couple of his friends had been caught with drugs and one had been expelled for beating up a kid. But to my mom they were saints. My friends weren't. My mom hated my friends. I had a couple friends with learning disabilities I had met when I worked with special ed. One who was my best friend was alittle slow but you'd never know it unless you had known her for FOREVER and could see the small things. My mom labelled my friends as 'the retards'. She hated them and called them that in front of them. I was too ashamed to even bring most of my friends home. Another group of friends who was super nice to me my mom would constantly talk about how over weight the family was and that my friends needed to lose weight before I should hang out with them.

Really my list goes on and on. My mom favorited my brother so much that on my side it was probably considered border line abuse. I'm definitely glad I wasn't the favorite. I wouldn't want to be a person like that's favorite.
__________________
Thank you Vivien and Angel Chicken for the siggy! Also I have been frosted!!! And as of 9/13/07 I know the secret handshake!


Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-27-2012, 03:15 PM
Kilter Kilter is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 536
Default

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

Not really. I mean I was the baby of the family when I was younger, till about six or so, then had a lot of chores put on me being one of only two girls with four brothers, who more or less didn't have to do any 'women's work'. Between the four of them they had to shovel the walks and mow lawns. My sister and I had the pleasure of cleaning the entire hours a few times a week etc. because it was a very sexist household that way. Once I hit grade school I was really on my own more or less, most attention was negative/abusive so I didn't mind so much. The positive attention was rare.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

For sure, when it came to a lot of things. My brothers and sister were all older and got to do skating etc. while I got told they were 'burnt out' when I showed interest in something. They did not approve of me having dogs but I was lucky enough to have a dog or two growing up. I did resent the faves at some times, but started to see how lopsided it was with the favoritism too. I guess the brainwashing didn't stick. They adopted a kid they had as a foster child when he was 7 and I was 12, and he became a favorite and picked on at the same time. Again I could see it pretty clearly that he totally figured out how to play one against the other and they never did catch on.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

The two favorites are 'barbies' in a way - look pretty, everything is nice, but it's all plastic and not really real. My older sister is a total barbie, loves to shop, everything has to be just so, but there has only been one or two times where I had a conversation with HER and not just a script. My oldest brother also has the 'ideal' life but then I hear stories about what it's like behind closed doors and kinda shudder. Not sure if they're any better off than the 'not so goods' in the family who have their issues more out in public.


4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

Some were quite slight, but many were really clear as far as favorites go. Now it's shifted as adults, they want their own kids to favor them over their spouses, and will play games to that effect. And now that there are grandkids the favorite game continues, some grandkids get an overnight sleepover/party with them, others get a 'we'll stop by to drop off something (and tell you how wonderful your cousin, the favorite grandchild, is doing)'.

In the end though it's a really unhealthy family, which is why I'm not involved. I don't have positive memories of holidays and struggle to make Christmas etc. fun and not get bummed out thinking about the past....
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-27-2012, 04:14 PM
Lyzelle's Avatar
Lyzelle Lyzelle is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2,713
Default

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up?

Depends on what you mean by the "favorite".

My cousin was the first born in our generation, the first girl. She was the favorite until I came along. I was the favorite until my uncle had HIS little girl. Same with the boys. To my extended family, everyone is replaceable. And once you were replaced, you were generally ignored. Playthings, nothing more.

In my immediate family, I was the only child until my brother was born. So I was the "favorite" until my mother left my dad when I was 8ish. Then I was the favorite scapegoat. I was ruined, everything was my fault, I was a bad kid, everyone blamed everything on me, etc, etc. I was the "favorite" of all her husbands, and therefore she blamed all her screwed up marriages on me.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

There was a lot of violence and resentment between my brother and I as we grew up. We were pretty screwed up children, didn't even know which way was up. As we grew, however, we sort of bonded over that resentment and turned on my mother...who had turned us against each other to begin with. I wasn't the reason our life sucked and Ethan wasn't the reason we all hated each other. It was just our mother being the narcissist she is and projecting all her faults onto us.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?


My little brother and I have our issues...mostly social/relationship issues as can be imagined. But the only real difference is that he is extrovert and I am introvert. He explodes onto everyone around him while I hold it in and implode on myself. It makes sense, I guess, when you consider the next bit on information as well as how we were raised.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

I was the scapegoat, the reason everything was wrong, the ruined kid, and everything was my fault and I brought it upon myself. My little brother was "screwed up" and "wrong", but it was everyone else's fault and he always got the attention/excuse. For example, if either of us was sick/hurt...Little Brother got sent to the ER, not me. If either of us were having mental issues...Little Brother got sent to the therapist, not me.

And above all, my mother put herself before either of her children. But she definitely separated us into what she could fix(Little Brother) and everything that was ruined(me). She wants cosmetic surgery on her teeth to fix her gap, Little Brother has a cavity, and I'm slowly dying of a kidney infection. And that's exactly the order of how those things were dealt with.

Thus why I'm the introvert and rely on myself, why Little Brother is the extrovert and blames everyone else for his problems, and why my mother has lost both of us.
__________________
Zander and HarleyQuinn
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-27-2012, 04:19 PM
houlahoops's Avatar
houlahoops houlahoops is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 760
Default

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

Yes.

My twin sister is moderately Autistic, and although she (by necessity) got more attention than I did, she is difficult for my parents to get along with. My mother (who is herself afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD) mostly saw her as a chore, and took refuge in her relationship with me as I was growing up. My father tries harder with my sister, but her disability sometimes makes it difficult to have a fulfilling relationship. Regardless, he and I are extremely close.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

To be honest, I think I resented my sister for a long time, although I was the "favorite." Being my mother's favorite meant that from a very early age I was privy to her periodic breakdowns and never had the security that my sister did. I was the one she brought home to the trailer park and the one she confessed her plans of suicide to, even when I was quite young. It also hurt to see my sister treated badly when she had done nothing wrong.

I never resented my father's "favoritism" because it didn't come at the expense of either of us. He continues to work extremely hard to have good relationships with both my sister and me.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

We are both right where we need to be. I do still have a very difficult relationship with my mother (partly as the result of her favoritism, I would imagine, and partly because of my own natural tendencies). My sister doesn't miss the relationship she never had and is starting to feel less cut down by my mother's occasional aggression towards her. Regardless, my sister will be moving in with me as soon as I finish college. I think the environment is unhealthy for a normal person, much less a disabled one.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

I was expected to be as low-maintenance as possible (I had to work to maintain my "favorite" status). That meant a 4.0 (non-negotiable), no emotional issues (breakdowns, etc), no financial needs. It worked out okay: I was a pretty minimalist kid and now that I need more I am supplying my own income.

My sister on the other hand was over-protected (even more than her disability warranted) and largely expected to sit at home and be happy. She was often the target of my mother's outbursts (as was I, of course, but I felt it unfair for my sister to be targeted).

I don't know. I think it's hard on all kids when favoritism comes into play. Growing up sucks. I feel lucky that my dad and I have maintained an extremely healthy relationship and that even now I call him every day just to say hello.
__________________
Emmy
"Well, don't let me be the moldy cheese in your refrigerator of hope." - Justin McKee

http://ejfoden.wix.com/efinkart

Last edited by houlahoops; 07-27-2012 at 04:23 PM. Reason: Yikes! Removing my sister's name because she was a member here once upon a time
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-27-2012, 04:30 PM
Romy's Avatar
Romy Romy is offline
Taxiderpy
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Olympia, WA
Posts: 9,971
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ACooper View Post

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

No, there were no favorites

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

I was a little jealous of my sister, but that's because she was the baby girl and had gorgeous red hair and OTHER people outside the family were always fawning over her. Not because of inner family dynamics. lol

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

Not Applicable

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

Same
My parents treated us equally, according to our personal capabilities. Older kids had more/harder chores, but that's because we were capable of doing them.

If either of them felt like one of us was a favorite, we'll never know because they never let on, for which I am very grateful.

Personally I try hard to make sure both of my children feel lots and equal amounts of love, and make sure they both know how loved they are.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-27-2012, 04:50 PM
JacksonsMom's Avatar
JacksonsMom JacksonsMom is offline
Top Dog
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 8,044
Default

Well, I don't know. It's kind of different in my family because I WAS an only child until I was 10 years old. At that time, my mother got pregnant (not with my dads baby) and I had my first baby brother. I was extremely close to him, and by 10 years old, there was no REAL competition between us. I was old enough to know that he was a baby and was obviously going to need more attention and I never felt that I didn't get enough or anything.

I also split my time between my dads house and my moms house, and over at my dads, his new girlfriend had her daughter (who was almost 2yrs younger than me). I was always the favorite between the two of us, and I DO think she resented me for it a little bit. I was just always naturally well behaved and more mature and she was always getting into trouble (and still is, at 19).

Then, my dad and his now-wife had a baby, so another little brother for me. This time we were 13 years apart. And when I was 18, my mom had my little sister. So, yeah, really, I think it's a bit different of a dynamic when your siblings are all 10-18 years younger than you, LOL...

Never ever felt like I got the short end of the stick. I love helping out and I still love spending time with my siblings.
__________________

Brit & Jackson


Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:21 AM.


1997-2013 Chazhound Dog Site