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Old 06-11-2012, 04:18 PM
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Default I'm stunned...I'm angry...I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown

I've been sitting here typing what I want to say, only to find myself deleting it. I don't even know how to express what emotions are rolling through my body right now.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of a certain night in my life from back in 1999. That night, I was raped. What made it worse, if you could say such a thing, was that this was a guy I knew. He was a guy we all knew. When I say "we", I mean all the athletes at my university. I was a soccer player. He was a baseball player.

In a single night, my virginity was stolen from me, and from then on, not a day goes by that the effects of that incident don't shine through in some form. I've tried to bury it. I've tried to move on. But it shaped me to be the person I am today, and not in a good way (let's just say that it's surprising I even have 3 children since I hate sex).

The following days, weeks, months, and years of my life have been, and are, forever tainted. There's no such thing as "taking yourself back" or "reclaiming yourself". Not for me anyway.

Anyway, I heard "his" name mentioned for the first time in many, many years. And it is what I heard that has me so confused and angry and frustrated and hurt.........

This a-hole is a Sheriff's Deputy in his hometown. He's a hero. He's the intelligent man that was academically successful in highschool and college. He's the former athlete that excelled in highschool and college. He's the man applauded for major drug raids and protecting the people. And yet.....and yet he's the man that makes me want to go curl up in a ball in the dark corner of a closet and wish the world would go away. He's the man that robbed me of a normal life of intimacy. He's the man that killed a part of my heart and soul, and did nothing but smile at me in passing in the unfortuante times we had to cross paths. He's the man that parents want their daughters protected from. And he's wearing a f*cking badge.
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:22 PM
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I only feel like I can post this here because I know I am not the only person to have suffered such a violation. Yes, I'm baring my private life on here. But the lack of justice pisses me off. The unfairness brings me to my knees in anguish. It's got to change. Something has got to change.

ETA:

I want to expand, as I know people are going to want to know.

I did go to the hospital very early the next morning. Unfortunately, I was a mental mess, and I had first gone to my dorm and showered....my only thought was to scrub every last bit of that night away. But because of an issue, I went to the ER.

I wouldn't wish a rape examination upon anyone. You're in a room not just with a doctor and nurse, but with a police officer as well. You're treated like a mere object. It's beyond humiliating.

Not only did I have physical evidence, but I still had a faint positive of GHB in my blood (it passes through so quick, the doc was in shock that it showed up).

And yet I had to listen to two officers tell me to think long and hard before I move forward. I was told that I would come under scrutiny-that every single thing I did and say would be brought out in court. I would have my own character made out to be that of a trashy *****. In all, I was basically persuaded to never bring it up or talk about it, much less press charges. At the time, all I wanted to do was hide away. So no, no charges were ever pressed. The thought of me being publically degraded and humiliated in court through lies, and the thought of my parents being put through the ordeal, made the decision to just pretend it never happened seem like the only choice I had.
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:26 PM
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((((hugs)))))
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:27 PM
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I wish every rapist had that word, rapist, indelibly marked on their foreheads forever.

((((hugs))))

It's horrifying. And I don't know the answer. It makes me wonder how many other girls he's wounded.
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:28 PM
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Oh how awful!! Iím so sorry...

Did you ever get counseling after the rape?
If you didnít, would you consider it?
If you did, have you considered going back for a bit? Now that things are resurfacing for you?
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:28 PM
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I wish there was something I could say. I am so, so sorry. That is just awful. (((hugs)))
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:30 PM
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Wow. I don't even know what to say... just... wow...

(((((HUGE HUGS)))))
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:33 PM
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Nothing to offer but (((hugs))).
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danefied View Post
Oh how awful!! Iím so sorry...

Did you ever get counseling after the rape?
If you didnít, would you consider it?
If you did, have you considered going back for a bit? Now that things are resurfacing for you?
No, I didn't. I've wanted to, but then I just bottle it back up and push it back down deep inside. Heck, it's been almost 15 years, and I suppose you could say that I'm still as screwed up now as I was then.

I would like to, but there's so much more to the story. And I wouldn't even know how to find a counselor, much less what I would say. The only person, besides you anonymous internet folk, that knows about it is my then ex-boyfriend (we had broken up about 9 months prior).
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Old 06-11-2012, 04:37 PM
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I really think counseling would help...

I'm so sorry.
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