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Old 03-07-2012, 07:37 PM
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Default What would you do? (living situation)

Ultimately, I'll be going with what my gut says...but it is very conflicted right now and I'd like to get some outside opinions of people who have been there, done that, wish they had done something different. This is going to be long, and for that I apologize.

I will be graduating from college this winter. I'm going to start working full time in May as a vet assistant/groomer assistant/kennel tech/jack of all trades at the clinic I currently work part time at. I'm only taking a class or three this fall, so I will continue to work full time while finishing up my degree.

Up until this point, I have lived at home with my family (parents, three younger siblings). Now that I will have a consistent income, I finally have the opportunity to move out and get my own place. This is where my dilemma starts and I'm just not sure what to do. I know in the end I will make a decision I'm confident with, but getting to that point takes a bit for me.

This is a bit of a tangle of everything, so I'll try to make it as clear as I can. It helps that both situations are almost polar opposite of one another. LOL

1.) Don't move out, stay at home for another year.
This makes the most sense financially. I will be working full time with my only costs being what I choose to buy for my personal pleasure, my animals, my phone, my car, and gas to put in my car. I'm currently doing this making $400 a month. When I start work full time, this will give quite a bit of extra money that I can put into savings.
We're quite a commute in and out of town (about 20-30 minutes, depending on where I'm going), so it isn't easy for me to just pop home and then head out again, but the gas/time spent really can't be compared to what I would be spending on rent for my own place in town.

Mentally, however, I'm not sure I can take it. I love my family. I get along well with my family. But I'm not sure how much longer I can take being, well, a kid. Having to base my decisions and my choices and my whims on, "Will my parents allow that?" or "Gosh, my sister is going to be around..." is getting old very quickly. I want to be ME and make MY decisions.
I walked in the door the other night after being gone almost all week and my stress levels just skyrocketed. A big part of that, I think, is that I currently don't have my own space - I share a room with my sister and I don't have anything that is "mine". What is truly mine (my bed, my clothes, my computer, etc., etc.) is constantly being used by other people and I can't take it any more. This could potentially be taken care of by giving me my own room in the basement, but...I'm still living with them.

It would likely just be for another year. And if it got to be too much I could try to find my own place (although most leases are available in August due to classes). But...I just don't know.

2.) Move out, get my own place.
I would be moving out in August, most likely, so that would give me three months to work my butt off and save up some money. It won't be a lot, but it will be better than what I have now. Once I start making rent payments, however, I will likely be living paycheck to paycheck and the chance of having extra money to stow away is slim to none.

The perks? I WILL BE ON MY OWN. All of the things that are issues about staying at home would be non existent.
(I've already looked at one apartment, and will be looking at two more next Monday, and potentially two more as well. The landlord for one apartment is someone we know through our church, and I just found out that the person I will be going through for two of the other apartments I'm interested in is someone my brother went to highschool with and is an old friend.)

So basically, I can either be really well off financially and cope with staying at home, or live pay check to pay check, but finally feel like I'm holding my own and living my life. (And I could get a puppy. ^^) I now know exactly what my Behavior and Wellbeing class was talking about when it said that the perception of having choice is in and of itself an increase in wellbeing.

Also, to further complicate matters, I have my boyfriend. I've been staying over at his place almost every other night. I think I'm at his place more than I am home now, simply because I'm happier there than at home. We've kind of discussed me just moving in, but his dad would frown on it, my parents would frown on it, I'm not sure it is a good idea as he is in a tiny little one bedroom flat (with a year left on the lease), everybody I know with successful marriages says it isn't a good idea to live with one another before marriage...
But, regardless, our current situation is working out just fine. Whether or not I get my own place or still live at home, I will likely be spending a lot of time over at his place. My cousin told me tonight that she and her fiance had separate apartments and that it was the stupidest thing they had ever done, because they were paying two rents, but they were either at one place or the other. I tend to agree, which is making this decision even harder.

So. Advice?! I just keep talking myself in a circle and everyone keeps telling me different things and I just don't know anymore.
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:53 PM
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Move out, get your own apartment and when you're boyfriend's lease is up get an apartment together. I don't understand the not living together until you're married situation - I'd rather know what I'm getting into before I commit for life!

Moving out was the best thing I did for my sanity and it did wonders for my relationship with my family. It's much better to go visit occasionally.

Getting my own place without my boyfriend was monumental as well. We didn't do it by choice - out of college we got our dream jobs 2 hours apart. But I think it's helped us to figure out who we are and how we like to live (and this is after we lived together for a year in college). But since you two live close anyway it might make more sense to live with your parents (in your own room in the basement!) until his lease is up and you can move in together.

Only thing I might suggest is getting a new place together instead of moving into his. When I moved in with R, I moved to his apartment and basically just filled the gaps with my things. It felt like I was a permanent visitor to HIS place. I would have liked it much better if we could have both started in a new place and made it ours together.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:17 PM
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My parents lived together before they got married, and they've been married for 39 years.

Anyway, I moved out of my parents' house (and in with my boyfriend) a little over a year ago, and I'm enjoying it--it's way more stressful than I thought it would be, but I do enjoy the freedom. :]
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:23 PM
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Move out, get your own place.. IMO.
I can deal with living in families.. but sharing a bedroom, personally.. I'd be RUNNING like my pants were on fire.

Making the transition straight from OH MY GOD I SHARE EVERYTHING WITH MY SISTER-to-OH MY GOD I SHARE EVERYTHING WITH MY BOYFRIEND.. isn't fun. You love them both of course, but it's still an issue of.. sometimes you just want to be ALONE with YOUR THINGS and YOUR DOGS.
So personally, I would get my own place.
Take the time, be by yourself.. enjoy the many many perks of having your OWN bedroom, alone time, everything the way you like it. A door that locks and you owning the only set of keys

As for moving in together.. personally.. I would wait.. test the waters.. have week long sleepovers (you at his, him at yours).. and ya, when you feel ready and both of your leases are up..find a place together.
Yes. I recommend finding a nother place together. new start. new apartment TOGETHER.
I have seen far too many issues with the person whose apartment it originally was having issues with "IT'S MY APARTMENT!.. THAT'S MINE!.." and the like.
IMO it's best to start fresh.
but waiting til marriage to move in? personally... I wouldn't.
Being and transitioning to husband/wife is tough enough without also learning how to be room-mates. and figuring out that you are totally incompatible live together wise haha

You couldn't pay me enough to live at home and share a room personally.
I would rather be living paycheck to paycheck and eating ramen every night with PRIVACY! lol
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:29 PM
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I love having my own place. So I would move out personally.
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:31 PM
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Oh and if you do choose to live together.. remember the me zones.

Even if it's just a nice comfy bean bag chair in a corner with your favorite book shelf and laptop for you
and a desk with his computer on it against the wall for him.
The me-zone is sacred! lol

It's a space that is yours. Yours to decorate. Put your personal items. Not be bothered.
The rules of the me-zone are sacred.
Do not touch anything in the me zone. Do not talk to me unless you have an emergency. Do not sit/stand/squat or hover above my me zone lol
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Old 03-07-2012, 08:46 PM
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Thanks, all. You basically all reiterated what I've been thinking, it just helped to have other people say it.

I do plan on living with my boyfriend when our leases are up. We've been dating for nine months now, and I couldn't be happier. Even though we aren't officially engaged, there isn't any doubt in either of our minds that we won't be getting married down the road - we're just waiting for school to be over before worrying about it. I have stayed over with him for days at a time (just last week I was actually only home over the weekend), and we've each discovered the little weird quirks about one another. He's weird about the toilet seat, shower curtain, and dishes, I'm weird about the laundry, the food, and the blinds. LOL
But, like you all said, moving in with him into his place was a concern. It wouldn't feel like...ours. Glad I wasn't the only one that thought that.

Quote:
Oh and if you do choose to live together.. remember the me zones.

Even if it's just a nice comfy bean bag chair in a corner with your favorite book shelf and laptop for you
and a desk with his computer on it against the wall for him.
The me-zone is sacred! lol

It's a space that is yours. Yours to decorate. Put your personal items. Not be bothered.
The rules of the me-zone are sacred.
Do not touch anything in the me zone. Do not talk to me unless you have an emergency. Do not sit/stand/squat or hover above my me zone lol
When we discussed me moving in, I mentioned that...his place is small enough, I don't think there is room for me-zones. He didn't seem to grasp the concept. Which is one of the reasons I want to wait to a.) get a bigger place and b.) get a place together, and not me just moving in. He is an only child, and I really don't think he understands the importance of having a me-zone, simply because he's never had to deal with it. I live in a family of seven, and me-zones are sacred. LOL

Quote:
I can deal with living in families.. but sharing a bedroom, personally.. I'd be RUNNING like my pants were on fire.
Amen to that. It is a huge bedroom and we have it split down the middle with ceiling high bookcases...but, yah. Still sharing. If I stayed I WOULD be down in the basement with my own room (and I think I will be moving down there in the next week anyway), but that's definitely not the same as having my own place. Not by a long shot.
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Old 03-07-2012, 10:37 PM
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MOVE OUT.

OMG, my relationship with my family is 100x better when I'm not sleeping under my parents' roof.

Is there any reason why you can't get a roommate to keep costs low? Here, that's absolutely expected (since a 1 br apartment runs around $1500, and a 2 br is only $1800-2000). It's very rare to find anyone living on their own before 27/28.

I didn't live with my husband before we got married, and I'm glad we didn't. If you live together before being married, everything in the apartment is "mine" or "yours". The transition from that to "everything is ours" is very, very difficult. (Beyond that, I didn't see a point to "testing the waters"...) Sure, we had sleep overs, we spent tons of time together, and we absolutely knew beyond a doubt we were going to get married, but I still am very glad we chose to live separately. YMMV.

Bottom line: I'd do a year with a roommate, then see where things stand with family/bf/finances/etc.
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Old 03-07-2012, 10:57 PM
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Most of the people I wouldn't mind rooming with are all moving away, and I'm not sure if living with some random person is the best idea with Chloe - if you don't know how to act around her in certain situations, she WILL bite. (For example, if you, as a stranger, give her a bear hug.) I would just rather avoid that situation all together and get my own place. It may not be glamarous, but it will do. I'm looking at paying around $550 a month total for rent and have found a few different places I'm looking at.

I'm defintely not worried about "testing the waters" with Mike. If/when I move in with him before we're married, it won't be for that reason. I'm secretly hoping that will be a non issue, as if all goes the way we've been talking, marriage will come shortly after we're both out of school...which convieniently is when our leases will be up.
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Old 03-08-2012, 08:00 AM
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I agree with everyone else on moving out. I was similar to you in the fact that I love my family. Shortly after my mom passed, our family kind of "fell apart" and my dad caused my brother & I an unneeded amount of stress. I won't go into details because I could write a novel on it... but he just become very selfish and lazy. He'd sometimes come into my room without knocking, or constantly calling me out of the room for something. He had this whole "Those aren't my dishes so I'm not washing them" rule that it bled into other things. My point being is that I couldn't do things the way I wanted to because my dad had something totally different and it would clash. My brother hardly ever came out of his room.... so he wasn't really an issue LOL

But when I met my husband, we spent a LOT of time together. He'd sleep over my house during the week and I'd sleep over at his house on the weekends. His mom eventually moved out of there with her man, who is now her husband, and let Brian stay there for really cheap. I pretty much moved in not long after. I didn't move all my stuff, but I was there 24/7 and most of my clothes were there. I would have to say this was about 2-3 months after we started dating. Then he left for the Army and I went back home. After he was done with training 5 months later, we got married and I moved to Georgia with him. I was nervous.... mainly because I've never lived outside of a 60 mile radius of my home town, let alone out of state. BUT..... I can't begin to tell you how great it is to be on my own. I loved it when I stayed with him at his place before the Army, but now it's just awesome. He & I are very similar with a LOT of things... he's a little bit more of a clean freak than I am but that I think has a lot to do with the Army. But he lets me take care of where I want things in the house.

I guess I'm a bit different in the sense of "Don't move in together until you're married". The way I look at it is you can find out what it's like to live with that person. I think it would be more stressful to try and learn each other's ways after marriage than to figure it all out before hand. Hubby & I moved in together almost immediately after we got together, and were married a year and a half later. Been together for nearly 2 years and we still get along the same we did when we first met. No fights, we still enjoy each other's company more than anything, and we like being home.

I do miss my brother, a lot (he's like 9 years older than me). But I love being on my own with my husband. I don't have to stay shut in my room just to get privacy, I can have things where I want, I can clean how I want and not worry about someone totally messing it up.

So, that's my opinion. Sorry it's so long. I really do think I have a problem with rambling. LOL
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