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Old 02-08-2012, 11:14 AM
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Default flatmate dilemma

Bear with me - I almost never post anything remotely personal online and I'm even second guessing myself now, but I'd really like some random opinions that are hard to get from family and friends.

Dilemma is as follows:

I have an apartment-mate (not a roommate, mind you). We each have our separate bedrooms, but share a living area and kitchen. She has a separate half-bathroom, but we share a shower.

Boyfriend has been coming over regularly for the past several weeks and started spending the night a few times a week. I've also had some friends over here and there. No parties, never more than four people at a time. Usually just movie nights/talking or even study groups. No alcohol ever. Roommate told me that the regularity of "visitors" was stressful to her (although she is at least acquaintances (if not friends) with every one of my friends & boyfriend) so we agreed to an 'every other day' policy (i.e. I'll only have anyone over every other day at most). I was okay with that. Not thrilled, but it seemed like an even compromise. Newest dilemma is that she recently told me that the overnights are bothering her. And that's where I need opinions. We've agreed to an 8x/month policy, but all of these restrictions are starting to make me feel like I'm living with a parent, not a roommate.

She even brought up the rent in her argument, which struck me as odd since he doesn't use any of the "amenities" here besides my personal space and sometimes the couch in the living room when it's free. Nothing I wouldn't be using by myself.

She goes to sleep early and gets up after me during most weekdays, so often she won't see the boyfriend at all. We haven't been keeping her up, I asked. I think she's just extremely introverted and me having someone here weirds her out to a degree. It's just frustrating. I'm sticking to my word because I know that it's important to be a good roommate, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm not living in a normal college situation. In almost every other situation living wise, we get along great. And don't get me wrong, there's been no passive aggressiveness or anything of the sort. She's been extremely good about telling me if/when something is up which I'm extremely grateful for. I just don't necessarily like what she has to say. Unfortunately going to his place is not an option because he has a legitimate ROOMmate.

Opinions/advice? Is our compromise reasonable or am I getting the short end of the stick?
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:23 AM
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Personally, I would tell her to suck it up. Hes your boyfriend and if she hardly sees him whats the big deal? And you have already made and agreement to cut back on the whole having friends over.

I think cutting back on having friends over is resonable, but her wanting you to not allow you BF over is not, personally I would tell her to get over it.

Do you know why its making her uncomfortable?
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:24 AM
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I would ask what her concerns about the BF are because IMO... she needs to get over it.

Sharing space means that you will have to "get over" the person's company - within reason. If the BF was staying there 5 out of 7 days a week I might say something to you about adding someone else to the lease but so long as the rent is paid, he's not walking the common space in the nude, and there's no issues with things going missing - having the boyfriend stay a few nights a week is not a big deal and certainly not something that you should be required to schedule someplace that you live and pay for.
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:35 AM
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I mean me personally if my apartment-mate had someone over every other day it would wear on me. Maybe back off on friends and have bf over? One normal person over wouldn't bug me. But coming home to a house with up to 4 people every other day would stress me out too.

Granted people stress me out so even if they were people I kind of knew it would bug me because I need more than one day to have on my own.

Really it just sounds like you guys don't match up socially. So while I think she should stay with the original agreement I would give some advice to try and look at it from her side too. Some people just aren't very social and like quiet alone time and to only have one day of quite only to be followed by coming home to more people there the very next day can be stressful.
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:53 AM
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thanks for the opinions so far, I appreciate it. Yes, it is seeming that we are on different social schedules. It's something that's just coming out to me now.

To answer the question of why I think it's weirding her out, I think it's a combination of things. First and foremost, I just think that it's new to her (she's never seriously dated and presumably never lived with someone who did) and since she's pretty introverted, it's just a hard idea for her to get used to. We actually had a little roommate date in which we moved all of our bedroom furniture around so that our beds are now on opposite walls since the rooms adjoin so I think that helped her out some, but still not a whole lot. I think it's also a matter of the fact that she was actually the one that introduced us, but I can tell you for a fact that it wasn't in an effort to set us up. She grew up with him as a neighborhood friend and went to high school with me, so when we all ended up at the same college, I met him. I don't think that she's managed to change her mental mindset that we, her two 'separate' friends, are now together. Can you tell I overthink? But I specifically asked if there was anything in particular that was bugging her that would be an easy fix and she said no, so really I think it's mostly in her head.
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:59 AM
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I can understand the having friends over issue, but i think asking that you don't have your boyfriend over is kinda Pushing it. Especially if really, she doesn't have to see him and he just uses your space.

Off topic, but I always thought you were a guy.
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Old 02-08-2012, 12:03 PM
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Oh man, I totally understand the awkwardness that is the friend that introduced the boyfriend and you XD. We had a new years party and our mutual friend who introduced us was there, and it was just AWKWARD.

Although I guess it was more awkward cause we were introduced when he was dating her
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Old 02-08-2012, 12:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GoingNowhere View Post
thanks for the opinions so far, I appreciate it. Yes, it is seeming that we are on different social schedules. It's something that's just coming out to me now.
I lived with a friend for a while and her BF was over every day and didn't bug me. It just became part of my routine. But for a while friends were coming over every day/every other day and it was just draining. I knew them and they were cool with me it was just having so many people so often in my house that just continually left me feeling drained.

I was pretty good at locking myself up in my room and ignoring it but a lot of people can't block stuff out even being in another room.

With your friends coming over so often is there maybe someone else's house you guys could go to? Or alternate so it's not just your house every other day?
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Old 02-08-2012, 12:59 PM
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I dont know.....honestly, having a bf spend the night "can" cross the line. Some people are not comfortable with men/boys in the house during down time. I understand you say she doesnt see him, but that may be because she is uncomfortable. And the rent, well, I know of some people who basically had their bf living with them and rent does become an issue. Not saying this is your case, but she may be worried about it.

I totally understand your side too though. I dont think either one is wrong or right but that you just arent good roomate matches.
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Old 02-08-2012, 01:04 PM
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I don't see the big deal. She sounds like an ocd reclusive weirdo to me. I don't think I'd want to live with that. And I rarely have people/bf over!
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