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Old 11-29-2011, 09:33 AM
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Beanie Beanie is offline
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Originally Posted by Dizzy View Post
It really depends on the people in the relationship and if you are working towards the same goals. If not, no relationship will work, no matter what the distance.

I have done long distance relationships a few times. The first time was horrible but it was very long distance. The second time started off okay but that was because we could still see each other frequently. But as time went on, we each got more busy, and we saw each other less frequently, it got worse.
I am not a clingy person. I like my space, time to myself, and time to pursue my own interests. But not being able to see each other, not being able to look into their eyes, not being able to put your hands on them... not knowing when the next time you'll be able to see each other and do all those things... it puts a unique strain on people and on the relationship.
And like Fran said, I'm not talking about sex. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to kiss him good night. I wanted to actually see him face to face.

It was real, physical pain sometimes. Which sounds stupid, to say it was physically painful not being able to just hold my boyfriend's hand. But it's the truth.

BUT... in the end, the reason our relationship ended was because we weren't going the same direction in our lives. I loved him very much... I wanted to marry him. But our goals were not the same. And it didn't make sense to stay together when it ultimately wasn't going to work out, no matter how much we loved each other. It would just hurt even more later, and we would both be wasting our time... and emotions.
So I ended it.

I've been exactly where you are, and I'm not telling you that you should or shouldn't end it. But the question you need to be asking yourself is not so much "do I really like this guy??" but "is there really a future here? one I am happy with?"

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Old 11-29-2011, 09:46 AM
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I've done the LDR thing with Josh twice and this is my experience.

When we first started dating officially we were LD. I had just moved from VA to NM and he was still in VA. Being LD had it's difficulties, but since we were in that puppy love stage we never ran out of things to talk about. We had phone dates just about every night and we could talk endless hours. During the day we would occasionally text little things back and forth.

He decided to make a sacrifice and move to NM to be with me after 5 months of our LDR. We moved in together and later we were married.

Fast forward to our decision to move back to VA together. We moved to GA temporarily to my mom's house to save some money for our move back to VA. Josh wasn't having much luck getting a job in GA and was offered a job in VA so he left without me with the promise to return for me once we found a place to live out there. The light at the tunnel was faint. We had agreed on him being gone no longer than a month. A month went by... And then another month... And another. There was no gaurantee of when exactly I would see him next and that bothered me tremendously and in all honesty I considered leaving him over it a few times. I held on because I wanted it to work, but it was a miserable time for me and he couldn't understand why I was so miserable.

This is just my experience with LDR's. I think they can work depending on the people, the timeframe away from each other and the commitment. I don't think they are for everyone though and personally I'm not sure I could do it again.
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Old 11-29-2011, 10:11 AM
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I think it definitely depends on the level of commitment.

Justin and I had a LDR for 3 years when I came to college, but it was only 200 miles, and he was committed enough to drive here most weekends, and I of course went home on all holidays and breaks. We weren't really sure what was going to happen when I was done with school, he really wanted to stay in my hometown, but there wasn't much opportunity there so he ended up moving here when a job opportunity presented itself. We are now married with 2 kids.

I think there really has to be that level of commitment and sacrifice to see each other.

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Old 11-29-2011, 10:51 AM
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LDR's suck. In my experience, a relationship thrives on shared experiences, and with an LDR there are too few of those to benefit the relationship.

When Zach and I were applying to jobs senior year of college, I wanted to go back to California. It's where my family is, it's where the weather's nice, it's where the people are more relaxed. I don't fit in in DC. I told Zach that I wasn't going to do long distance. I had done it with my high school boyfriend and it just sucked for all involved. I also told him I wasn't going to stay in DC unless I was staying for him--nothing else appealed to me about the area.

I basically gave him an ultimatum. Promise me that we're headed towards marriage, or let's break up and move on with our lives in separate directions. He proposed that Christmas, I took a job in DC, and we've been married for 3.5 years now.

Decide what is more important to you--staying in your hometown, or staying with your boyfriend. If you can get both, great! But if you have to choose, which one are you going for?
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:42 PM
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Ekkkkk,really difficult situation.I feel for you.
It must really really really suck to feel like you made your sacrifice for him earlier,and now he has brought this up? That would **** me off....but saying that it might not be a negative thing.I (think) you said that when you moved back to be with him it was earlier on in the relationship maybe now that your relationship has changed and grown with time,maybe he feel's it is in a better place to handle this sort of change?(I'm not sure if that's making sense)

Sounds like you really need to think some more and have a really honest conversation with each other.Tell him exactly how you feel and get answers,you have nothing to loose.

I'm (very nearly) 6 year's into a relationship,we haven't tried LD,it hasn't come up.I decided to stay around for university,can't really say if it was because of him or not but who know's?I think if something came up I would be willing maybe to move to be with him if it was in an area I was interested in and if we had a agreed timescale to try it within.He would come with me if it wasn't in England,pretty much same answer on me.

Good luck!

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Old 11-29-2011, 02:03 PM
Cheza Cheza is offline
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This is exactly what hub and I will potentially be doing. I'm going back to school in the spring for pre-med. Down the road I'll be applying to schools all over the country. He has a job where we are now, we own a house, 3 huge dogs... it doesn't make sense for him to leave all that while I go spend 80hr weeks at school and in a hospital, so I'll be going alone if I don't get into my state school.

We started out LD too when I was still in Canada, and it could be hard but we used webcam chat a lot, talked on the phone a lot, etc. We were working toward my visa too so we already knew where things were going (marriage).

It works if you want to make it work... is really what it comes down to. Granted we've now been married 5 years and have a pretty strong foundation, but it's like someone else said. We have a shared goal: get me through med school at all costs. Failure of anything isn't an option. Getting me through school secures our joint future, so it's something we aren't willing to fail at, even if it means we're hours away by plane for a few years at a time.

It's tough, you have to set priorities... if your priority is each other, then I have no doubt you can make it work. If it isn't, then it isn't. If you're going to be angry or resent the situation, then you may already have your answer.

Good luck!
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Old 11-29-2011, 02:27 PM
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I've been in two, and neither ended up working. I'm gonna steal what Beanie said, because I think it describes the first one fairly accurately.

Originally Posted by Beanie View Post
BUT... in the end, the reason our relationship ended was because we weren't going the same direction in our lives. I loved him very much... I wanted to marry him. But our goals were not the same. And it didn't make sense to stay together when it ultimately wasn't going to work out, no matter how much we loved each other. It would just hurt even more later, and we would both be wasting our time... and emotions.
So I ended it.
In the first we always had something to talk about. Communication (when it actually happened) wasn't a chore. The second was entirely different. He was controlling, jealous, and completely untrusting. He didn't want to talk just to talk, he wanted to talk so he could know what I was doing. Many conversations were extremely empty. Of course, it's easy to say this now, but I obviously didn't realize it at the time. He broke up with me twice, and I was dumb for not abandoning the relationship after the first. Instead, I quit my job and moved. I was unhappy for most of the relationship, but tried desperately to convince myself otherwise.

The first was different. We had an amazing connection, but I couldn't deal with the constant dishonesty. Ultimately, I think dishonesty and unwillingness to be anything but dishonest is what killed my emotional connection in both relationships. Apparently guys think they're amazing liars and deceivers, when they actually suck at it, lol.

Ending the first relationship was hard on an emotional level. Like Beanie, I decided it was best to end it now, before it turned into an all-out battle royal and we ended up hating each other. It would cause less damage to end it now rather than later. The second was hard because I didn't end it, and it meant I had to pack up and move. There was no emotion left in the relationship to speak of, but the physical change in environment was hard. I hold a bit of resentment toward the second LDR, but not so much the first. The second was just not worth it.

Unless I found someone amazing that I had a deep connection with, I wouldn't do it again. And since I've been dating someone local for awhile now, I have no reason to consider doing it again. It's just not worth the effort.
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Old 11-29-2011, 02:44 PM
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Originally Posted by AliciaD View Post
It works for me. I'd rather be in a long distance than with a clinger. I don't want to see my lover every goddamn day.

But it depends on the people. Ask someone on a good, honest day whether they could make a long distance relationship work, or if it would be torture. Hypothetically. Few people are honest when real relationships are at stake.
Ditto for me.
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Old 11-29-2011, 02:58 PM
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I was in a long distance relationship for 6 months and I couldn't imagine doing it for any longer than that!

Ian and I broke up a couple of months before I went to college (he was a high school senior)... and we started dating again at the end of my first semester of college. We lived almost 3 hours apart and I went home almost every weekend to see him. We talked a lot on the phone which helped, but it's definitely no subsititute for actually being with someone.

I'd never choose to be in a long distance relationship long term, though.

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Old 11-29-2011, 04:05 PM
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katielou katielou is offline
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18 months total LD as is we didn't see each other at all for 18 months

England- WA.

I worked for us because we knew it was not forever and we knew we were going to get married once we were together.

We actually spent more time talking that we probably do now
6 hours most days of video chat and a serious lack of sleep and 5 years later we are grand!

I think it works if you are going the same place in life!
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