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Old 11-29-2011, 01:12 AM
~Tucker&Me~ ~Tucker&Me~ is offline
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Default Long Distance Relationships

Well, what are your opinions? Doable or not?

I was in one for about 9 months while I was away at uni. It was horrible and stressful and one of the worst experiences ever... We fought constantly towards the end, and I am really surprised we made it through, tbh. We had been dating about 2 years when I left for uni. It took a few months to patch up the hurt feelings, but things are back to being good again and I moved to a much closer university where I can see him all the time. The stress and anxiety are gone, thank god.

Anyway, he wants to be a doctor. We have now been dating for 3.5 years. Yesterday, he mentioned that when he gets his degree finished (in the next 2-3 years), he will be applying to the local med schools, ones across North America and a few in Europe, most likely. This hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.

Ever since he told me, I have been feeling some anxiety about it, and a lot of crappy mixed feelings. At the same time that I want him to pursue what he wants to do in school, I can't help but feel a little betrayed and put on the back-burner, so to speak. There is a bit of resentment in that I moved schools to save our relationship (so to speak) and yet in 2 years, he will be happy to travel all over the world for 4 more years of education. When I acted somewhat dismayed, he said I could always go with him after a while... But I am super close to my family and am not sure I would want to live in Europe, the US, or even across Canada. On top of that, as a graduate student I know for a fact money would be tight and going somewhere far would likely be out of the budget.

I also can't help but wonder if, after hearing that he is rather willing to go far, staying in the relationship is a good idea... It sounds drastic I know, but if I am already upset about it after dating for 3.5 years, than what would it be like after dating 5.5-6.5 years? I mean, I am hoping to be married in my late 20's I feel like it would hurt even more, and that I would have wasted a ton of time on a relationship that would be bound to end. Oh and I am not saying this is necessarily THE guy lol, just the one I have been dating for quite a while and still really, really like. I had NO intentions of breaking up with him and was not questioning the relationship until this point.

And call me a pessimist, but long distance for upwards of a year just wouldn't work, nevermind 4 years. I can't do Christmas and a month in summer visitations only - I just know I can't Props to all that can, I'm just not one of them.

I feel like a selfish, bad person. I don't even know if I want answers... Maybe I just needed to admit these feelings to someone and Chaz was a good outlet? lol
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:27 AM
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It works for me. I'd rather be in a long distance than with a clinger. I don't want to see my lover every goddamn day.

But it depends on the people. Ask someone on a good, honest day whether they could make a long distance relationship work, or if it would be torture. Hypothetically. Few people are honest when real relationships are at stake.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:31 AM
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Go back and read your post again.

It kinda sounds like you've made up your mind . . .
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:41 AM
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My LDR fell apart. I'm not saying the distance was the only problem - I like living on my own & having personal space, but like you I also can't be neglected for long periods of time. My affections start to wane :P Either way, we fought a lot, too, and in the end we hurt each other so bad I wasn't willing to keep trying. Not trying to be a pessimist either, but if you're not sure he's The One, and he's not willing to make the same kind of sacrifice you did for the relationship... looks like you have a lot of talking, and thinking, to do.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Renee750il View Post
Go back and read your post again.

It kinda sounds like you've made up your mind . . .
This.


I seriously couldn't do the whole long-distance thing. Kudos to those that can
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:55 AM
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Long distance with a future of being together in the near future? Do-able.

but I am a strong believer in the fact that there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel. there needs to be a "Ok I'm going to finish this, and you finish that, and then in a year we will be together here. "
1 year. that is my personal line in the sand. I could not do it for more than that
and from the sounds of it.. you are a lot like me in that sense.

I don't believe that long distance can really work as a permanent thing or long-term. As in "let's just do this and this is how our relationship is going to be"
I see it as something that an already strong couple can withstand in between times of being together in the same place.
not a lifestyle or a way of life relationship wise.

Physical closeness and all that.. It may be just the cherry on top of being in a relationship
but it's a **** IMPORTANT cherry.
This cherry is like, the cherry that holds it all together lol

I'm sorry but somebody telling you "baby everything is going to be alright" and "I love you" via skype IS NOT the same and never will be the same as somebody comforting and loving you face to face.
It's not just about sex. People can go for LONG TIMES without sex (as much as we hate to admit it)

but people (general "people" here, or people like me) crave physical closeness.
A hug, somebody to have lunch with, somebody to be there when you get home, somebody to hold your hand, somebody to watch movies with, cuddle with at night, take care of you when you are sick, wake you up when you are having a bad dream...

it's those little physical comforting things, things that we take for granted A LOT of the times, that add up to big things.

It's those things that are missing in long distance relationships, its what makes them so hard.

Vibrators, phone sex, there are options to scratch that itch.
but there is nothing that can make sleeping in bed alone without the person you love comfortable.
and 10000000 hours on skype may never replace the simple comfort of the "it's going to be alright" hug.

Long distance relationships have been made easier with technology. That's for sure. Phones, skype, text messages..
but even then, sometimes, in most couples.. things just fall apart.
The "I miss you so much" are spoken less or become redundant, the phone calls less frequent (or so frequent that one of you gets annoyed), the topics less interesting, the visits feel longer apart, things feel hopeless. What is the POINT of saying I miss you or that I want to see you, it doesn't help.

and worst of all, all the pent up "I MISS YOU" sometimes makes itself known in not so friendly ways. Like suspicion, annoyance, anger, rage, paranoia, neediness, clingyness..
and at the root of it is simply human nature, seeking reassurance.
The reassurance that would be found in a kiss goodnight, in seeing eachother every day, having sex etc.. is missing. So instead, people tend to seek reassurance in other not so great ways.

"I MISS YOU!, I KNOW! I JUST.. DO YOU MISS ME?! ARE YOU SEEING SOMEBODY!? WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP? WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK? YOU ARE ALWAYS TIRED! BUT I MISS YOU! THIS ISN'T WORKING! I WANT YOU HERE! BUT WHERE WERE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU GOING! WITH WHO? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE BACK?! TELL ME! TALK TO ME! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK?!"
..we've all probably heard something along these lines before.

I am NOT saying long distance isn't impossible.
I mean, this is fran talking. true Love can overcome ANY obstacle.
With your soul mate, with a STRONG COUPLE with a STRONG STRUCTURE and base.
I know it can work.

but any less than true love at its purest, with a goal in mind of one day being together.. I just don't believe it can work.

BUT If you can make it through that. Make it through the lonely nights, trust somebody who is 10582 miles away, deal with missing them..

I believe that a relationship that can last through that is truly beautiful and a pretty priceless thing.
Physical stuff does put a band-aid on some problems. People use sex and being close to somebody to cover up issues..
but long distance, it's all in the open.

WHO you both are on the inside is the ONLY thing that makes these relationships work. and that is what kind of makes them amazing in that sense.
If you can be comforted by words spoken, trust without seeing, love without touch and just LOVE without constant physical reassurance, and get to know somebody in and out without being blinded by physical stuff..

Your relationship can come out of that long distance relationship tunnel stronger and more beautiful than it ever was.


My 2 cents.
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Last edited by Fran101; 11-29-2011 at 02:07 AM.
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  #7  
Old 11-29-2011, 02:09 AM
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I promise guys, one day I will make a post that isn't a frikin novel lol

I swear lol
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Old 11-29-2011, 02:32 AM
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I definitely think long distance relationships need an end-point or as Fran said, a light at the end of the tunnel. You could always relocate with him while he does his four years and then plan on moving back together where your family is at. If there's a will, there's a way. Somebody has to be willing to sacrifice (which is not easy).

I've been with R for 4 years now. We lived together for the first 2 years and have now been living apart (2-4 hours) for the last year and a half. IT SUCKS. I hate it and never wanted a LDR ever. If I'm going to be committed to somebody, I'd like to come home to them at night, eat dinner together, go for a walk holding hands, etc.

It was supposed to be one year. Then I found an awesome job in my field, he found an awesome job in his and they just happen to be 2 hours apart. I can't commute more than 20 minutes to my work since I'm on call most days, and he obviously can't commute 1.5/2 hours every day. We're at the point where there is no goal we're working towards or light at the end of the tunnel. We both worked so hard for this and neither of us are willing to give up our dream jobs to be closer to each other.

We fight often, we get annoyed with stupid things, the skype dates are pretty much non-existent, the regularly scheduled phone calls that used to be cute are now a nuisance. Neither of us are quite willing to give up on the relationship, and I do hope that someday we can be together and start a family, but I'm not sure how long that hope can remain.

I'm trying to live one day at a time and not focus on the future, what's happening or not happening...but it's really not as easy as it sounds. Until one of us is willing to give up our dream (or modify it) we'll remain in the same crappy situation.
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Old 11-29-2011, 02:44 AM
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It really depends on the people in the relationship and if you are working towards the same goals. If not, no relationship will work, no matter what the distance.
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Old 11-29-2011, 08:33 AM
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My parents have been in a long distance relationship more than half of their marriage. It's totally doable with dedication and a decent phone plan.
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