Keeping your adult children at home

[~Jessie~]

I've seen this trend a lot lately... parents who coddle their adult children and never give them a reason to move out. Moms who tell their children that they can't handle having an empty nest, and that they'd be soooo sad if their kids left them.

For instance, I knew a family with 4 sons, and 3 of them lived at home. None of them went to college. The oldest one moved out when he was like 30. The mom would cook for them, do their laundry, buy them alcohol, let them have friends over, etc. None of them wanted to move out because that would mean they'd have to use their money to pay for rent/food, rather than video games.

It's one thing if you have children who are going to college living with you... because it obviously saves both them and you money by living with you. Of course, they would be contributing to the household by doing chores, paying for their own gas/fun stuff, etc.

Or if you're an adult and have to move back in with your parents temporarily to save money... or because you lost your job... or some other unseen circumstance.

So, do you think it's okay to allow your kids to stay living with you for however long they want to? Even if they're not going to college or trying to save money?

[stardogs]

OMG I think I would've gone insane had I lived with my parents after I graduated high school!

It really doesn't set the adult kids up to be successful on their own, and what happens when the parents die?!

[sparks19]

I think it's up to the parents and each individual family. My dad had all of us adult kids living at home until we just left on our own lol. If he had it his way we would still all live with him.

My sister lived there until she was almost 30. I moved out only after I met Brian and moved in with him. My brother moved out when he got married.

I have heard in many italian homes the practice is that you do NOT move out until you are married lol. but that's for more old school italians I suppose.

I lived with my dad and wasn't going to school. I was just working a regular full time job. When I moved out I went through a depression because I was the last child at home and now he was ALL alone and I was certain that he was living in filth and eating nothing but baloney sandwiches with no one there to take care of him lol. It was very hard on me to leave HIM all alone. But now He calls himself the "galloping gourmet of London" and he's making everything from stew to homemade hamburgers with sundried tomatoes and spices and roasts and all kinds of things. I never thought I would see the day lol.

If my dad had his way we would all live on a big plantation with all his kids and grandkids lol.

I'm definitely thankful for having his place to call home all those years.

[sparks19]

Originally Posted by stardogs

OMG I think I would've gone insane had I lived with my parents after I graduated high school!

It really doesn't set the adult kids up to be successful on their own, and what happens when the parents die?!

see thats why I think it depends on the family.

We all lived with my father as adults and yet now we are all moved out, married and successful all on our own.

But then I know others who live at home all their lives and never move out or even work or anything.

[ACooper]

I voted they can live with me forever as long as they contribute, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that

My son is 21 years old and he still lives here at home. When he was taking college courses I didn't think about contributing because IMO, we were still educating him. Now he has decided to STOP taking any more classes, he has a job, still living at home, and he MUST contribute money to stay (which he does) It's not that we need the money for his room and board, it's more that we were hoping it would make one of two things happen: 1. Make him change his mind and get back in class. or 2. Move out and get a taste of the real world THEN get back in class, so far it hasn't

My daughter is 19, still in college, and has just moved in with her boyfriend. We would much rather her live here at home, but whatever makes her happy and we are just glad she is staying in school.

But yes, as long as my kids are contributing members of society they are welcome to stay here at home as long as they want. I will not support a grown kid who lays around, up all night, sleep all day, not working or trying to find work, and doing nothing but glomming off the world. I see parents with adult kids who do NOTHING, no work, no school, not even help around the house That will never fly here.........I would get them out of bed at 5am everyday, push their butts out the door to find a job with instructions not to be back until they had a job or dinner time, LOL

[stardogs]

I think that the results really do depend on how the parents set it up - sparks, I'm guessing your dad probably encouraged his kids to be independent, vs. encouraging dependency?

I love my parents, but it's a very good thing we don't share a house as my mom and I can be like oil and water when it comes to how we run our houses/lives.

[Dekka]

I voted other cause I can almost vote this:

Yes, they can live with me for however long they want as long as they contribute to the house

But need to add the stipulation that they are also not driving me crazy.

I had a friend who had a lovely basement apt in her parents house. She paid rent (most of the time) but often shared meals. Everyone seemed happy.

[~Jessie~]

I think it's one thing if you are eventually planning on moving out, like you and your siblings, Sparks. It sounds like you were all contributing, and your dad wasn't waiting on you hand and foot!

I know a good bit of single people who have moved back in with their parents after graduating from college. It's easier to help contribute to the household when you're single, rather than paying for rent when you're living alone.

I would never, ever coddle my kids as adults. They would be doing their own laundry, and I'd expect them to help with chores/cooking meals. They would also be expected to have a job, and to be bettering themselves in one way or another.

I would be MAD if they were spending all of their money on alcohol/video games... I'd expect them to be saving for their future of living on their own.

[sparks19]

Originally Posted by stardogs

I think that the results really do depend on how the parents set it up - sparks, I'm guessing your dad probably encouraged his kids to be independent, vs. encouraging dependency?

I love my parents, but it's a very good thing we don't share a house as my mom and I can be like oil and water when it comes to how we run our houses/lives.

I think it was more that WE were taking care of HIM rather than him taking care of us He provided the house and the food and we provided the cooked meals and the cleaning lol

Now that I am out there is no WAAAAAAAAY I could go back to living with my dad. I could handle living with my mom now though

[~Jessie~]

One of Ian's old coworkers had an amazing situation with her family.

They owned a separate pool house and had a farm, so she lived in their pool house. I would have loooooved to do that if I were her. She always had baby animals she took care of, and she had her parents to help take care of her pets when she had to work long hours. It worked out great for both her and her family. She was saving money for her own place for when she would eventually get married, but she had no reason to rush moving out.