Seriously??

[BullMastiffMama]

Capone and I practice obedience in the backyard.
Wind is in a north-westerly direction.

Capone and I do jumps and the tunnel.
Still, - north-westerly direction.

Capone does ALL of his parlor tricks (ALL of them. In a specific order. Twice.) to convince me to give him his venison.
Wind is steady - in a north-westerly direction.

Cassius comes out for potty time. Marks all non-Cassius scented blades of grass en route to Capone.
Wind? SAME.

Cassius chews on Capone's right ham, squeals, "Puh-LEEEEEZE, play with me!"
When that fails, Cassius decides running back-and-forth zoomie patterns right under Capone's nose. It does not pan out the way Cassius had hoped. Instead of playing or giving chase, Capone becomes annoyed with the rambunctious pup, turns up his nose, and *WHOMP!* smites him with his great right paw, pinning him down. Capone gives him a stern look, which, if I remember from my childhood correctly, is synonymous with shouting, "Sit down and shut up already.!"
All the while, the wind maintains a NORTH-WESTERLY direction.















I return to the yard, Zoom Groom in each hand, and commence Capone's massaging ritual. Only after working up a good-sized clump of hair toward the base of his tail do I suck a huge breath of air pre-sneeze.... just as the !%!#$*^@!#&*@# wind takes a turn.

Human hairball remedy (for those interested): Cough - not little "ehh, ehht" coughs. Cough as if you've had emphysema coupled with chronic bronchitis for years. Cough like you mean it. Instinct will tell you to inhale through your mouth to get enough lung power built up to really expel the demonic hairball. I do not recommend it, but don't see how you can avoid it, really.

So - when you do take in that breath of air through your mouth, the hairball will seize the opportunity to work it's way a little deeper. You will be grossed out and semi-gag/cough (yes, at the same time) until you cry involuntarily. When you are collapsed on the ground with your dog whining and licking your face, you are nearly done.

If you are doing it right, your nosey neighbor will poke her head out the door to see what the great racket is. At this point exactly, you should cough/retch (yes, at the same time) and then run inside the house for a big glass of water. You are done! Breathe shallowly for a while, wipe your eyes, and try not to think about how much dog hair actually made it in.

[corgipower]

You really need to add a warning for those of us who drink coffee while reading posts.

[Renee750il]

LMFAO!!! Yup. Been there . . . You end up doing your best Bill the Cat imitation.

[xpaeanx]

Whatever the contest is.... YOU WIN!!! LOL.

[ACooper]

ROFLMAO!! *sputter* I hope I NEVER need this advice!