Inside the mind of an abuser

Another couple of threads prompted me to post this: Not every abuser demonstrates all of these things necessarily, I suspect. I was with someone who had narcisistic personality disorder and the gas lighting and many other things described was done. It is so incredibly easy for even someone with pretty good self esteem to be eroded because it is done so subtly, so incidiously, you don't even notice it at first. I did manage to see what was happening eventually and dumped his arse. But the damaging effects were astounding nevertheless.

I think it's important for anyone who suspects they're being abused, but may not have more than an inkling that this is so, to read up on some of this stuff so you might see yourself from an objective and factual perspective. When I was going through my turmoil, I read and read and read about narcisistic personality disorder. I could have a degree in narcisistic personality disorder. LOL. Just ask me anything. There are different personality disorders and psychoses that result in the same fate for victims. Anyhow, I thought this was a good article. I didn't read the whole thing. There are several pages.

If anyone has anything to add...their own knoweldge, experiences, articles, feel free to contribute. I think there are people here who can benefit from some exploration.

Inside the Mind of an Abuser: What you Need to Know

I've never been in an abusive relationship so it was so hard for me to understand how arielle could not see what he was doing to her. It killed me to see him killing her inner spirit. I wanted to shake her and say "wake up"

I agree that it can be so subtle when the abuse starts. With arielle it started with him telling her what friends she could hang out with and how long she could spend on the phone with them. He picked one friend at a time and managed to drive a wedge between them until her friends got tired of dealing with it and just moved on. Then he started with family members.

Abusers tend to isolate the one they abuse because they don't want it getting out that they are being abused. We went months without hearing or seeing arielle or alexis. I didn't know if she was alive or dead and that about destroyed me.

I think what a lot of people don't realize is that it's not only the person being abused that is affected. The family and friends are collateral damage and suffer in a different kind of way. The anguish of not knowing if your child is safe is almost too much to bare.

I hope anyone that is in this type of relationship will take heed and perhaps at least see a red flag. It is such a tragedy to hear of someone thinking it would never happen to them and they stay in the abuse too long and they pay for their decision with their life.

Arielle would always say "but he doesn't hit me, he just pinned me down or pushed me up against the wall" She would always insist that it wouldn't happen to her. But it did and it lasted 3 long years. He was not what I would necessarily call a physical abuser, but the emotional scars he's left behind will take years to go away.

Nancy, your daughter was wise to get out when she did. How awful. It's just so sad that so many do not get out.

Here are a couple of other articles of that should be an eye opener for those seeking answers:

One is geared toward emotional abuse and the other includes physical, which emotional abuse can certainly precede:

Emotional Abuse - Emotional Abuse is a Type of Domestic Violence


Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

The wedge, as Nancy mentioned, was a BIG eye opener for me. My group of friends and I now use the knowledge of that to sort of see the bigger picture of the relationship... It's really hard to see it when its happening to you... and you end up hiding it from people for whatever reason. Right now we're worried about one of our friends, because the guy is so controlling, he monopolizes her time, makes her stay at his house with him all the time, and is starting with the "wedge" thing, but she doesn't see it yet

I always said I'd NEVER be that girl. That the 1st time, I would be done. But it doesn't work like that, you don't see it like that when its happening to you, unfortunatly. The first two times he left bruises on my arms I kept saying it was my fault, and I bruise easily... Ugh.
I am very greatful for my friends (and my best friend specifically) for not letting me let it progress to anything more serious... I'm glad that we were *just* dating. When he starting cutting me off from my other friends I didn't even honestly see it. He went with me to a couple get togethers with all of my friends, didn't want me hanging out with the 'bad influences' by myself. When my best friend called and he said no, or yes but only if he could go with me she put her foot down and flipped out on me as soon as I was away from him...

So, with that under my belt, my advice is to have a couple friends help you watch out for the "wedge"!

It sounds terrible.

When the abuser tries to stick in the wedge, does he say something like "Oh, I'd really rather you didn't go out tonight, I'd like some company tonight" or some variant of that or it is overt "Don't go out, I don't want you calling talking to her anymore."? Or does it gradually change from one to the other?

with an abuser whether physical or emotional or mental or whatever....

no it's not something like "don't do it cause I don't want you to"

it's based on guilt or blame.

like my ex turned me against my friends by convincing me that they were telling him horrible things about me and then he would encourage me to ask them to come out with us and one night maybe they couldn't make it and he would go on about how it was planned to just ditch me and they don't really want to hang out with me and that I should stand up for myself.

NOW this came at a time in my life where I was at the lowest point in my life ever possibly so I was relying on him BIG TIME for support and he was manipulating me to believe my friends were NOT supporting me during this time. I alienated my two best friends because of him. he convinced me they were tryhing to avoid me or only hanging o ut with me on their convenience

they are masters at seeking out vulnerability. they find it and then they strike and they use that to make you do anything. they just subtly beat you down into total submission where you think that you aren't even worthy of THEM let alone anyone else.

I lived with my FATHER and when breaking up my ex actually tried to convince my own MOTHER that I was the one in the wrong... that she needed to side with him because I was worthless. luckily my mom isn't that stupid AND my step dad had picked up on the abuse long before even though I didn't say anything because I THOUGHT I was happy the way things were. He called her and my step dad answered and basically gave him the what for and told him he was a worth less piece of crap and if he honestly thought my own MOTHER would turn against me he was totally dilusional.

THAT being said... this was taught to him by his own father. His father was a controlling douchebag. he controlled his wife and his kids. he was horrible to all of them. so as much as he "cried" about it... he was right. his upbringing made him that way. but he's a very sick individual and I pitty whoever he is with now

oooh, this!
In my case, he was convincing me one at a time that they really "weren't" my friends. picking 'em off, one by one. More Specifically I remember the one time my one friend, he kept telling me that she was using me / manipulating me for a ride... For a free meal... To watch her kid, etc. We had plans to go out shopping, and when I got out of the shower he said she called and said she didn't want to go. He had me convinced it was because she didn't want to hang out with me, becuae she wasn't really my friend, she was a lying, manipulative you-know-what.
..... but after I eventually broke it off (he called and left messages for over a month, had to block his email as well) she told me that HE had called her, and said I wasn't feeling well that day

The scary thing is he HONESTLY doesn't think he did anything controlling or wrong. I don't know where he learned it from, because I Highly doubt he learned that type of behavior from his father. He's just a creep! And I also pitty the girl he's with now.

It's definately all about the "guilt" factor. Jake would always convince arielle that she didn't love him enough if she didn't devote every waking second to him. He would get so jealous if she talked to anyone on the phone or God forbid she wanted to hang out with anyone.

He would be passive aggressive with her and play all sorts of head games. He beat her down emotionally until she had nothing left within her. He told her lies all the time that her family didn't love her anymore and how all she had was him and HIS family and HIS friends.

If she did manage to come visit us, she'd plan to stay the weekend and he'd always call her numerous times and when nothing was working he'd pull the "I've got a surprise for you but u have to come home to get it" card. And she'd fall for it every single time! He'd promise her over and over again that he'd change and he'd "allow" her to spend time with her friends and family, but it never lasted.

He kept very close tabs on her at all times. And to this day, I still struggle with hating him and his mother. I have moments where I wish they'd just die. And that pisses me off that I even allow them to make me wish something like that because it's not right of me and I know it. It is going to be a long process before I can even begin to forgive him or his horrible demon of a mother. That's why I say it's not just the abused person that is affected by the abuse, the family is almost always collateral damage just by default.

I'm soooooo glad you guys got out. And that your daughter got out Nancy. I got out too. He wasn't as controlling as you describe. But he was expert at brain washing and tearing me down because he is a narcissist....with the personality disorder. I knew in my gut something wasn't right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Imagine that. When you love someone, it just "can't" be. Finally, I decided I didn't need this anymore and built on my own independence and self worth. I wasn't really ever the type who "needed" a man. Every woman needs to lose that mind set if they have it....that dependence on companionship, financial support and any other brand of what they falsely perceive as support they think they need a man for. Gotta lose that!

But I've had a b.f. since who, while not controlling directly, was a whiney, clingy, "you never spend enough time with me. You go to Seattle too much" lol...kind of guy. He'd drive up to my house multiple times a day, claiming to just want to say "hi." He lived near by. It was like having a mosquito harrassing you. I finally dumped him. But I sure gave him the benefit of the doubt for too long. But see...even that is an attempt at controlling in an indirect way. I've just stopped dating because I see that I must be some kind of fly strip for disfunctional men. LOL. I'm really quite content without one crowding my life style. I love my independence and engaing in my own hobbies with no one to thrawt me. Free as a bird. Lalalala.

This is almost EXACTLY the same scenario that led up to "disowning" my best friend.

geez his name wasn't Chris was it? lol because everything you are describing is exactly like my ex. he really doesn't see that he did anything wrong at all.

I wish I had someone urging me to get out sooner but I had alienated all my friends and didn't talk to them anymore so they weren't around to smack some sense into me. My dad had gone through it with my sister and it was a HUGE fight and she moved out with said guy and didn't talk to my dad for a while and my dad was afraid he would lose me too if he said anything.

My mom and step dad didn't really start noticing it until near the end when he was getting worse and more obvious and arrogant about it. We talked about this not that long ago actually and my step dad said he remembered one night he was just like HEY WTF is this guys problem. and then when I did finally end it he actually called my mom and step dad and tried to get them on HIS side

My step dad was just like "uhhh are you nucking futs. you don't honestly think that her own MOTHER is going to turn on her daughter for a slime ball like you. it's about **** time she kicked you to the curb" LOL that was a rude awakening for him. he was certain my own family would take his side because he honestly didn't see that he did anything WRONG. a very sick individual.

I'm certain the only thing that kept Charley from laying into me physically was the dogs.

I thought Roger was bad -- Charley was infinitely worse. But then, he is older and has had more time to perfect his techniques than Roger, and, to be fair, has a ruthless, meanness -- in the classic sense of the word as well as the modern -- that Roger didn't possess. Roger was just crazy (literally, to the point he ended up as an involuntary guest of the state mental hospital for a week) self-centered, spoiled and selfish. Charley is sane, selfish, self-centered, spoiled and MEAN. And perverted.

Yes, these guys are drawn to you when you're at a nadir of confidence and self-esteem, when you feel unloved, when despair haunts. They take you to an apex of emotions; suddenly you feel loved, cherished, cared for, you are giddy from the height of the pedestal you believe is just for you. You are Special. You are The One.

Then, because you started this feeling so unworthy, you begin to try to earn that pedestal, to keep it through being the perfect mate. You cater to them, strive to make yourself indispensable, to prove your gratitude, to make sure they will never find a reason not to love you anymore.

And that's where they have you.

Then it's easy to lay on the guilt, the blame, the fear of being unloved. At first it's subtle, insidious. Then more overt. You're convinced that no one else loves you or could love you; after all, isn't that where you were when your knight in shining armor "rescued" you?

And you discover that castle tower you thought was a haven, a bower, has a door that locks -- from the outside and your knight has become your gaoler.

There's a reason for all of those old faerie stories about princesses locked in towers or held captive in castles . . . Unfortunately, only Rapunzel and Beauty got it right -- they saved themselves AND their princes. They just might have lived happily ever after (although I have to wonder if Beauty didn't secretly miss her Beast).

I'd say 90% of the cases I work with are resultant, or involve domestic abuse, so I've worked directly with both survivors and perp's... It's a crazy old world.

I've sat with men who've looked me in the eye and told me that the woman is lying, and know for a fact they've hit them with chains, and all sorts...

I've also worked with a man who suffered at the hands of his ex-partner. He to this day (even though she died recently) says she was a good woman... even though he has also told me about how she tried to stab him etc.

The brain is a funny organ.