Guess who is at the hospital? again. Epilepsy sucks.

As many of you know, I've been on/off epilepsy drugs trying new things trying to find the right combo or medicine.. but today I really feel like I'm done trying.
My seizures are frequent..but short and sort of manageable just as they are and I feel like all these drugs are just fighting my brain and losing.

Today was just the final straw. After a seizure I woke up and couldn't see. Like pitch black couldn't see. It was the scariest thing I've ever been through. I was alone at the mall bathroom when I had the seizure, woke up and literally didn't know which way was up and kind of stumbled out of the stall and started crying and screaming and someone found me thank goodness and helped me and called 911.

They had to sedate me, I couldn't calm down, I thought I was going to be blind forever and I didn't know where I was or what was going on.

My doctors met me at the hospital within the hour after they sedated me and I started to see shadows and within 2 hours I could see completely but I just.. can't put myself through that again.

I've never felt so helpless and I just feel.. done.
My parents think I should hold out, try other things like this miracle drug is out there that is going to make me normal but at what cost? I feel like a lab rat and I just feel drained.

and all I can remember is darkness and I was fighting everyone even though I knew that they were trying to help and were doctors but they weren't my doctors and I just didn't trust anyone and I couldn't even hear them over screaming "I WANT MY MOMMY!!" at the top of my lungs

I feel like a combination of A. A crazy person and B. An uncontrollable helpless child who can't go anywhere or do anything by herself.

I'm fine now. under like 48 hour hospital watch but I have my laptop and have been playing around the computer all day like always but I just feel like I needed to let this out.

vent over.

I will never ever stop appreciating the fact that I can see. EVER.

oh and speaking of appreciating things, I am now in a hospital with awesome doctors and I know my life is far from WOE IS ME status.. I have doctors and parents happy to deal with me and all the craziness that I entail. and I have a forum full of people to vent to who are awesome.
and they are serving red jello tonight.


I feel better now actually. Oddly enough lol maybe there is something magical to this whole forum venting thing

Oh that's scary! Glad you are okay!

Oh Fran *HUGS* I don't even know what else to say, but you are an amazing person. I'm so sorry you had to go through that today, and honestly can't even imagine. I'm sending you major vibes that you can figure out the correct meds and get back on track - what a scary thing.

(((huggies))) I could not imagine what you just went through. Waking up and being blind is like a nightmare of mine, im sure its everyones nightmare.

I really hope you dont wake up to somthing like that ever again.

I've been temporarily blind in public before and it is definitely one of the more not-fun experiences out there, and I imagine it is so much worse to WAKE UP, in public, not being able to see and thinking it might be permanent. Scary scary but I'm glad you can see again and you're feeling better. Hopefully someone figures something out so that you don't have to go through that ever again.

How awful and scary! Lots of hugs and vibes for you...

Oh my goodness you poor thing - I bet that was terrifying I'm glad you're feeling better now

Ugh I'm so sorry, Fran. I can't wait for you to get your SD and feel somewhat safer, then.

The fact that you are looking at the positives and appreciating the small things is inspiring, it really is.

Oh Fran... I am so sorry. That sounds so terrible and traumatic. I am sorry you had to go through this and were alone when it happened.

I agree with Jess...having your SD will help you so much, because you won't have to go it alone.

Hang in there!

Thanks so much guys. ((HUGS)) You guys have no idea what being here and posting this stuff and your words mean to me!

It's just been one of those days. I got some extra jello and am just going to let myself wallow in the woe for the next 24 hours and watch law and order.

I'm so sorry, that sounds terrifying.

Venting is good! I'm glad you're all right now. Any time you need me, I'm still a PM away!

I bet you will feel so much safer once you have your SD trained - or even partially trained.

And for you, I know this quote works wonders for me when I'm feeling down or hopeless:




Aaaaaaannnnnnd, I know how much you like gifs...











And finally...John Barrowman doing...well, whatever it is that he does (how can you not be happy seeing him goofing off? )

This is horrible. I'm so sorry! What kind of seizures do you have? I had an Aunt (whom I never met) and a cousin (her son) that had epilepsy so I am pretty familiar with how crappy it is.

Fran, they never found medicine that actually helped control mine. And I know from experience how awful it is to feel like a lab rat and how completely disappointing it is every single time the things they try don't work. I also know how terrible the side effects can be. But, if I had your support system in place, I would keep trying. Me? I couldn't afford to. I didn't have the money, and I certainly didn't have a family willing to help while I went through all the trials.

I realize I couldn't possibly know every little thing you've done and been through, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. But I would keep trying.

(((((hugs))))) Fran, that sounds absolutely terrifying. Good for you for looking at the bright side.

Oh yikes! That sounds terrifying!

hang in there Fran--eventually you will figure out what is best for you.

((((hugs))))

Fran, I'm sorry you had such a scary experience after this seizure

I haven't posted, but I have been trying to follow what's been going on for you, and I do send so many vibes and good prayers and I hope a solution is found soon!

OW Fran , My heart aches for you . I wish they will be able to find a soultion soon , something workable .

HUGS HUGS