Hypothetical question about living at home

On a side note, talking about bratty ungrateful children, - this girl I know who is 22 and lives with her fiancee's parent's, and is also pregnant, and who can't even pay for her car loan (she doesn't work AT ALL, and her fiancee's job basically covers the cost of his gas to and from work), is now complaining about her mother-in-law because MIL said she would have dinner ready by 5, and it's now 5:22 and dinner still isn't ready

This.

This is why contracts, even between family members are a good idea. If something is such a big deal, put it in the contract.

Well, seeings how my daughter and her family live in my basement... LOL

Though ours is more like a true duplex, they have three bedrooms and completely separate living space save a shared laundry room...

I look at it like this, they pay a bit less than Market value but... They do pay decent rent down there, and they would buy a home if one was available in the area, they want to be in this area and have Kolby close to us, as well as use the farm...

So any money they save or get as a refund is theirs... We enjoy the fact that they're able to do things they may not be able to afford with the full overhead of a home and all it involves (such as Jenn staying at home full time)

I may feel differently if they ate our food all the time, or cost us money from our pockets to live there but that's not the case... We DO often eat all together but it's usually a trade off one night I'll cook up here for everyone then they'll do the same..

But really, what parent thinks they need a contract with ther CHILD. How many parents co aign for something and require a contract. Most parents like to think they raised their child to be grateful and respectful and wouldn't take advantage

Lots of parents sign contracts with their children. Not because that they predict their children will be ungrateful or take advantage of them, but because it makes the arrangement more like that of a renter and homeowner, and not that of a parent/child - which, if you're seriously concerned about your child's ability to save money and eventually move out, and not housing your child because you want them there, is the kind of arrangement it should be.

A contract doesn't have to mean "I'm covering my bases because I don't trust you not to screw me over and take advantage of me". It can simply be an easy way to communicate very clearly what the expectations of both parties are.

Milo, do you know people who have contracts with their parents? What is the penalty if they break the contract?

I ask because my brother-in-law lived at home for years, because he just wasn't mature enough to handle being on his own. My mother in law loved it, but eventually began to get frustrated with his continual poor choices (speeding tickets, partying with friends, new clothes, etc). What were the options though? They couldn't kick him out--he was unable to afford living on his own.

I think people need to decide what's important. They should have had the discussion of where the money goes a LONG...long time ago.

There is no such thing as free or reduced rent. You're going to pay for it someway and clearly Mom and Dad in this situation feel like the adult kids are spending their money unwisely. As this is not a normal rent situation consider it month to month on their terms.

If money is tight, Mom and Dad are just scraping by and their kid decides to take his family on a vacation I can see a WTF moment happening. They are after all subsidizing their kid, probably working hard,and probably not in the position to take a vacation themselves.

Which is why I have the best solution... Kid should send parents on a vacation. Have a "parents are out of town staycation" while they're gone instead.

I do know people who have had contracts with their parents, quite a few of them.

I only know one woman who took legal action against her son. The contract was basically stating that he could live with her, either rent free or for low-rent (I'm not sure which) IF he remained drug-free and attended some kind of therapy. He did not, and then refused to leave. She did take him to court over it (I believe it was housing court), but I don't know what the outcome was, I lost touch with her before it ended.

Otherwise, no one I ever know has ever been taken to court by their parents over a contract, I'm not sure if that's because they always followed the stipulations in the contract, or if the contract stated things like "you must move out if X occurs", "you owe us the rent you're not paying if X happens", etc. I think most of the time once a contract is laid out between parents and children, both parties know what is expected of them and do that. Like I said, the contract isn't because anyone predicts the kids being bratty and ungrateful and taking advantage, it's simply a way to write out what obligations they have and expectations of both parties.

I think in a lot of cases it's not really an actual legal contract, a lease or anything, just a written up list of "rules" or expectations that both parties go over and sign.

even if there is no contract, it's considered a month to month you can have any adult removed providing you follow the right steps

I side with the parents, who, in this situation, hold all the cards, IMO. Ultimately it's their house and, of they are doing a favor by allowing cheap rent so the kids can save up a down payment it is very disrespectful for them to essentially "waste" the money on a very expensive vacation. A cheap getaway I could understand, putting the bulk of the money aside. If it were me I wouldn't be looking a gift horse in the mouth and I would be darn well listening to the parents.

My mom had contracts with me over the years for various situations. It just spelled everything out in black and white for both of us. I don't ever remember it being for money type things, because that has never been an issue, but more like, "If I get to do this thing/have this privilege, I agree to the following terms..."

This. It doesn't have to be a binding legal contract.

Cali, in the case of your BIL, what I would do if I was in your in-law's situation, with an adult child living at home - I'll assume working few PT time hours, not enough to make any kind of rent - it might include something like:

1. After your car payment is made, groceries are bought, and cell phone (or other applicable) bills are paid, 50% of your remaining paycheck must go into a savings account.
2. You will spend X hours each day looking for a 2nd job.

or something like, if the parents are paying for the car, the child can only use the car to get to work, look for a job, etc. and must find a ride to any recreational activities...as long as the child is not working, they can't consume alcohol during the week...the child is expected to fill out 10 job applications each week...if the child is unable to find a job, they need to take classes at a community college or enroll in some sort of training program...all things I've seen parents stipulate in writing.

IMO, adult children who are living reduced-rent or rent-free under their parents roof DO have an obligation to be respectful, and if the goal of their parents is to get them financially stable enough to move out, to work towards that. BUT: Parents who allow their adult children to live at home need to realize that their children are ADULTS and get to make their own choices, and sometimes those are going to be choices that will get them kicked the heck out of their parent's. Those parents are CHOOSING to let their child live at home, no one is holding a gun to their head and forcing them (and if the kids are affording a trip to disney, they can afford to live elsewhere. Maybe not saving money, and maybe not in the best area, but they'd manage just fine). Maybe the kids are being selfish and irresponsible, but instead of calling to complain about it on the radio, the parents should actually help the kids be accountable for their actions and tell them it's time to move out.

Well the parents' argument is weird to me... it's not like you can truly support yourself for very long on the cost of a single vacation to Disney.

Without more details about their arrangements, I guess I'm largely of the mind that the living/rental arrangement between the parents and children is a business arrangement and a separate issue than how the children spend their tax return. Landlords aren't entitled to dictate how their tenants spend their money, the landlords just happen to be their tenants' parents in this case and have chosen to give them a break on rent.

If the parents are unhappy with the arrangement and think they're being taken advantage of, then they should kick their children out. But if the children are paying rent as agreed (and assuming they are complying with any other agreed-upon responsibilities) then I really don't think it's the parents' business.

All totally logical requests--but what about when he breaks them? He worked full time at Best Buy for 4 years, but never got the promotions he was convinced he deserved, and since he was a terrible driver his car insurance premiums were so high that ate away all his money. My mother in law ended up driving him back and forth to work (luckily she didn't work) because he had his license suspended. He gambled away all his leftover money on online poker tournaments, and/or partied it up on the weekends with friends.

My in laws were literally ripping out their hair, unsure of what to do. They worried that if they kicked him out they'd lose their entire relationship with him, and/or he'd get into serious physical trouble (sleeping on the streets, not eating, etc).

Magically one day he seemed to grow up, but it took a good 8 years.

Just to clarify, it was the daughter calling in.

It's not my family business, so I can't really say. ;]

But--I live close to disneyland, and it didn't occur to me that disney would be a pricey vacation to most people; I need to learn to think outside my bubble. :rofl1:

Didn't read the whole thread. Without over-analyzing things my initial reaction is to side with the parents.

I'm 21, I live at home rent free. I feel bad buying the dogs' ear cleaner or "expensive" food, or for treating myself to some dessert or new tops for work. Basically I feel guilty every time I spend money on something not NECESSARY. I feel like every penny I make needs to be saved up so that I can move out/pay off my student loans. I got a nice tax return. I am doing nothing fun with it. I think if I were MARRIED, even if I were paying rent, it would make me feel even guiltier to spend my money on other things; if I'm adult enough to get married I should probably be adult enough to get things squared away so I can get out of my parents' basement.

My mother would LOVE to have my husband and myself living in her home. She's asked several times over the years for us to move "home."

That being said, if the kids are living there NOT because they have to but because they CHOOSE to, I'd say that they have the right to spend their money the way they see fit. Although, if it was me, I'd feel freaking guilty about living at home for cheap and always be on the lookout for ways to get out on my own so I'm not a burden on my parents when they "paid their dues" raising myself and my brother. They should be able to enjoy their lives as they get older and not have extra people in the house to cook for and worry about.

The parents side, as someone who will be moving back in a few months home ... So I really can't say anything ... But I WILL be helping parents with cooking, cleaning, & ranch maintance

I'm living at home rent-free. My mother is helping me by allowing me to live here, rent-free, and I'm grateful for that. However, I don't think my being here is a financial burden on her - the rent/utilities would be the same whether I was here or not. I work full time, I'm going to school, I pay for all my own "stuff" (groceries, car insurance, cell phone, clothes, etc). I do the majority of the housework (simply because I like it). And in this situation, I don't feel guilty at all. And I don't think there's anything wrong with adult children living at home while they work and/or go to school as long as they're contributing.

I do think something is wrong with adult children living at home while they're not working, not going to school, not DOING anything except living off of their parents. I couldn't imagine being married and living at home (with the exception of an emergency or temporary situation). One, I think getting married really says "I'm an adult, I'm independant"...and two, I think I would more...privacy...than living with parents!

I don't know all the specifics of this situation, so I can't say whose side I'm on. But I know my mom wouldn't care if I spent money on a vacation (whether I saved up or got a bonus or whatever), and I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

Same here, I am going to move home (OH is going away to work in Houston for a month or so) & my parents call me every day asking when exactly (date wise) I will be coming back for good (since our stupid boss keeps dragging his feet about moving & won't give us a definitive date on when we are going to move :/). Because A) they miss my company (we have a very good very close relationship) & B) because I am a young, strong able body that can help with the maintenance jobs that property requires.

I don't pay any rent, but I earn my keep by cooking & cleaning & doing things like caring for animals, mowing the lawn, etc ...