My toxic relationship with my granddad

God...

This day just keeps getting better:

*I woke up with a sore leg
*I had a argument/unpleasent exchange with my friend on text
*Katalin got harassed by a Boxer while we were out on a walk
*I'm skimped but I had to pay my cell bill of $77
*I got into a huge fight with my grandfather
*I got into a bigger fight my brother and mom

I just finished visiting my grandad at his place with my parents and brother. He was unbearable, delusional, clouded, and really just quite a arrogant a$shole.

He was rather quiet to start out with - then he started talking about how he saw someone else with the same sort of dog as I had, and that he heard my dog barking in his basement over 150 times which he counted (.....). After that he started going on about how he traveled the world, a water spring in his home, and that because of that he owned the United States.

Things got bad when he started saying that he was with my parents when they went for a medical appointment when my mom was pregnant and the OBGYN did the ultrasound - he saw me; and declared (this evening to my face - I'm not sure about the actual time of ultrasound) that I was his property.

I flared up and yelled and said that we were in North America 2012, that no one, especially him, could claim ownership over any other human being and that I wasn't anyone's property, but definitely not his.

He said something about me being property of God. I said if I believed in any religion or not wasn't his to say.

If this isn't bizarre enough for you at this point, brace for impact...

He says something about how many cars do I own at a hotel. I say I don't own any car nor a hotel. He asks if I know where the boundary of the hotel property was - I say I have no idea what he's talking about. He says I am good for nothing because I can't answer those questions and all I have is a dog and that my boyfriend and "parents in law" rejected me because of not being a virgin.

I struck back with a "f@ck off!" and telling him how none of any of my life was his business at all, how I haven't shared anything with him because I don't feel comfortable, and that even if he isn't feeling well or clear in mind it was no excuse to speak in that manner about those things. I lost it and called him a "deluded bitter old daydreaming fool".

He said even if I didn't like it I was a part of his life and that he could find out what he wanted of me through his computer (he has never touched a computer let alone owned one in his life) - he said his "flat computer" could show him everything (my cousin must have showed him pictures on an iPad/tablet when they visited him I'm guessing). I said "Fine, where is it? show me" - he replied "It's not it's in China in the book!". After I shot a few choice words his way I stormed out into the backyard and was visited by the neighbor's off-leash Golden which I played with for a while before everyone else finished with him inside.

He's been arrogant all his life - he's the type of person that thinks whatever he does is always unquestionably right. He believes he has authority over the younger folks that are related to him just because he's a elder of the family. Doctors diagnosed him with mild dementia not long ago - it's very apparent and hasn't helped him become anymore pleasant.

My relationship with him has been a long, complicated, strange, and twisted one. We've been close at points but...it's been difficult, very difficult. He isn't open minded and sees it as his business and responsibility to get involved in anyone related to him's business and lives.

I try to be on "good behavior" when in his presence - especially nowadays. But it's really really difficult when he gets all high and mighty about things and starts talking down to me. There are alot of people out there with dementia, Alzheimer's etc - but they don't go around talking random sh!t about others. My attitude, insolence, and radical non-conformist attitude towards family are definitely big factors in this and I am to blame for quite a large number of things as well, but I have tried as best I could to make things smooth/easy for us - he has full knowledge of how I feel and how he has made me feel and he doesn't try to change an iota, nor does he think he's doing anything wrong.

*deep breath* OK. Thanks for viewing and letting me get that off my chest. A night of dog walking, cold beer, an article on dog shows, and Youtubing wildlife shows awaits.

(((((Tonsofhugs))))))))

So sorry that you had such a crappy day. Your granddad sounds totally delusional, like he's losing it from dementia or maybe he's on meds that are affecting him. You're right, that it's no excuse. I'm sorry he's so abusive and angry and that his delusions are making it worse. Is there any way you can be excused from visiting him from now on without a family fight? Obviously it's upsetting for both of you so maybe your parents wouldn't give you a hard time about you cutting ties if it keeps your grandpa on a more even keel. Bleah. That's twisted and totally not how things should work, but might end up in your favor anyway.

(((hugsagain))))

I am of the opinion that he is an old man who is delusional. Ignore him. Screaming at him make you look crazy. Not the other way around.

Agreed - that was my (hopefully) last visit to him. It's hard not to lose temper when he was saying all that stuff though.

I was glad my dad stood up for me abit (sort of) - when my mom and brother were both bitching at me in the car ride home my dad said -

"Honey, I know he's hard to bear - I'll tell him you're on vacation or busy next time we visit."

My mom proceeded to then bitch at him - he just sort of gave her a look and kept driving without saying anything.

I live with my Grandma who has moderate Dementia. She is a mean mean woman now, yells at people cusses,is just fairly volatile....at times. Sometimes she is this way and other times she is like tthe sweet lady I grew up with.

You have to remember they have a disease. It develops over time and gets worse.

When my grandma is being hurtful, I turn the other cheek. Cause I know she doesn't mean it and in less rhan 10 minutes, she wont remember saying it.

As much as I'd like to lash back, its not right. She is an 80 year old woman and yelling at her does nothing bit hurt us both. She deserves respect, she has seen wars,depressions and other horrible things, lost her 2 sons and her husband in her lifetime.

If you have a volatile relationship with tour grandpa, then don't go see him or if you have to go, don't respond negatively, change the subject or walk away but don't yell at him. He deserves your respect unless he did something horrible to you in your life.

He has been judgmental, narrow minded, hurtful, non-accepting, meddling, irresponsible (in more ways than one), and reckless. I saw all this as a child and in my teens and he was more than fine and completely in sound mind - does all that warrant respect to me? Absolutely not. Sorry.

If I absolutely have to see him again I will just leave the room/house/place if he starts going on about something like that again, if I can't leave I'll just keep completely quiet and turn into a piece of furniture for the duration. I'll tolerate it if I can't leave the situation but I won't be stepped on or humor him either.

I respect all living being's right to exist, be treated civilly and justly (except for perhaps Justin Beiber and Michael Vick), and the fact of their basic human/animal rights. I can't respect the fact of what damage my grandfather has done either with or without intention. and I will not and cannot stand to be spoken down to, abused, or ridiculed.

I can't feel good inside if I treat someone bad who has a disease.

I have not had an easy life by any means...but it made me who I am today and I overcame the past.

The past is the past and if you walk around with your head backwards dwelling on the past....your future will be running into a brick wall.

If you're over 18...get over it. Dwelling on how horrible someone is, was etc. Isn't going to change anything.

I feel all elderly people deserve respect. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be here.

In most cases I do believe we should respect our elders, but being old doesn't give anyone a free pass for respect. There are plenty of elderly child molesters in the world and I will never muster enough positive feeling for any of them to come close to respect. If some of those child molesters happened to reproduce in their younger days, I still won't respect them any more than I do now simply because they contributed DNA to the next generation. I wouldn't hold it against their descendants if they didn't respect their elder family members due to child molesting. By extension, why is any other abusive behavior given a free pass? Nobody should feel obligated to respect an abuser.

Letting go of the bad feelings towards someone who has wronged you is healthy regardless of how old they are, but it doesn't mean you need to continue to put yourself in the position to be abused. He has a history of verbally and emotionally abusing her when he had a sound mind. The illness just caused the bad behavior to escalate.

Stephy, just leaving the room is probably the best thing you can do if you're faced with that situation again. I'm glad your dad stood up for you.

I've often thought that the older we get, the more ourselves we become, and dementia doesn't seem to change that, if anything, it seems to exacerbate it, stripping away whatever inhibitions we had about how we interact with and treat other people.

In other words, nice people seem to get nicer and assholes seem to get . . . assholey-er.

Best. Adjective. Ever.

:rofl1:

I've often found that's the case, but it seems like there are exceptions. Especially when strokes are involved and there's damage to the frontal cortex, or multiple combinations of prescription drugs are really screwing with stuff.

I have experienced the other side. My grandma IA the sweetest person I know....but with the dimentia and medications.....well...she isn't so nice anymore.

Obviously if someone did a heinous crime then they don't deserve respect no matter the age.

I do have to say that I found peace in letting go of the hatred I had for the abuser in my life and moving forward with life. I still talk to the person and do love them but, I don't allow tthem to treat me bad, simply because I walk away from it now.

I do find that if a person has a disease,the past doesn't matter to me. Bethe bigger person.

My grandfather hasn't been all terrible - but he's no saint either. This stuff hasn't just started since he was diagnosed with dementia (which wasn't all that long ago) but has been going on since I existed and ever since we had a relationship. I can let go and forgive him perhaps - but I can't see him again that's for sure. We absolutely WILL butt heads again.

Thanks Renee and Romy =)

Well that is true, less qualms about being more open/candid I guess. Funny though - he apparently doesn't speak like that to and is more reserved/polite with my cousins and uncles/aunts. So it's definitely not an attitude in general towards everyone I suppose....

My dad was up early this morning to get ready for a trip across the border to do some business in Seattle. We met in the kitchen and had a good chat for a while. He asked when I was getting my next dog and that a Caucasian Ovcharka would be "cool" - I explained it was far from a run of the mill sort of canine and that I wasn't ready for it yet; one day though. He said I was responsible and honest for not just "wanting it" and it was good I was doing the proper research on things; we got to the subject of my grandfather though and he brought up the following points I was unaware of until he told me:

* He isn't on meds for dementia or anything mental wise. Just blood pressure pills, cancer pills, vitamins etc. Dad doesn't know if he should be on meds for his mental state though.

* He doesn't receive any other care besides a daily 4 hour privately hired Filipino domestic worker whom has no actual medical credentials or qualifications. I've met the helper but previously assumed it was round the clock service. Not sure how he manages in evenings and weekends.

* He has admitted to dad, as well as other relatives that he sometimes "pretends" to be more ill than he actually is in order to receive better care/more attention. I can't say if this is true or not but if it is it just makes him look even more despicable to me. Dad has a hunch it sort of is though.

* That he is in general more docile, even tempered, and "nice" to his other grandkids and his own kids. He's never talked to one of them about them being his property etc etc like he did to me. But he does ramble on about strange things/delusions to everyone in general.


* He has great difficulty with hygiene and keeping himself clean. Indeed his room reeked of urine and I don't wanna know what else when we visited last night and he wasn't properly dressed (he didn't even have proper trousers on). I imagined he struggled with things around the house but I didn't know it was to the point that he couldn't dress or clean himself.

Ok....so I don't know what to make of it or think of it if he's only talking down to me and he is manipulating people by exaggerating his condition to certain points. Whatever, I don't really care anymore; I won't visit him again and if we do ever meet - if he starts something like that up again I'll just leave, period. Otherwise I'll be cordial.

The whole thing sounds very unpleasant and I really feel for you. It is so hard to deal with.

My Dad, when he was in his last year or two of life was pretty nasty to me...rude. And for nothing. He was critical about the way I did everything and would jump down my throat in front of other family members, but never did he treat others like that. He was not demented in the least until the very last, due to cancer that went into his brain. It always baffled me how he hollered at me, a 55 or 56 year old adult, as though I were a kid. We had not always had that kind of relationship is the thing. Maybe he just didn't feel well, as he was getting sicker and I was the whipping boy since I just naturally have the kind of personality (believe it or not) something like that of a door mat to people who are ready to walk on me. (weah, weah, weah ) lol....My sister, on the other hand is someone that one naturally perceives to be NOT a person to reckon with. She's tough as nails or comes across that way. He wouldn't dare have treated her the way he did me.

So, something about getting old and damage or something being done in the brain can cause a terrible situation. I think since you are affected so adversely, that it is a wise decision to avoid him like the plague. It won't matter to him. He seems to be very, very delusional and messed up, so it might not be long until you are nothing more than a 2 dimensional cartoon character to him. And then he might well forget everything. It's too bad, but I don't see anything wrong with steering clear. There's no reason to keep all this in the forefront of your mind. It's hurtful and damaging. But DO try everything in your power to forgive and put it behind you...chalk it up to something wrong in him, not in you. And move on. It's really, really damaging to have a lot of disdain and resentment clinging to you for a long time. (((hugs)))

It sounds like he isn't all there mentally. And as mad as you are you might mention finding better care for him, possibly a home. It doesn't sound like he is capable enough any more to just have someone checking in on him.

I kind of disagree. I think when people get older they just quit caring.

My brother and I are both adopted from korea. When my great grandpa got dementia he went from the nicest man alive who had always supported my brother and I to someone we couldn't even be in the room with. He I guess reverted to his military days. He recognized my grandparents and my dad and his siblings but the second he saw my brother he's go crazy and scream at him for killing his friends. He even took my brother down once when he came in the room my great gpa freaked out, threw a chair at him and takes him down.

I really can't get myself to believe that was my real great gpa coming out. Where he in his right mind he would have been ashamed that my brother went through that because of him.

Stephy, he sounds like he's acting a lot like Charley's (ex BF) mother did, right down to the pretending to be worse for attention. Blanche even went so far as to BRAG about doing it to the nurse. Ignoring them when they act like asses is about all you can do. It saves your sanity and it takes the enjoyment out of treating you like that

She was also careful who she treated like hell. She was sweet and civilized and the perfect little southern lady with the in-home nurses who came three times a week and anyone from her old church . . . and then she was HELL on me and Charley.

Yoko, not everyone follows the same pattern, and having lived through a war surely leaves deep impressions that can surface later and cause someone to really act out of character.

That's not quite the same as someone who gets old and is just generally abusive. That's an old man who survived a horrific war, having flashbacks in on top of his dementia. I'm so sorry you and your brother had to experience that. It sounds really hard for everyone.

While war flashbacks are different, I do know of non veterans who followed similar patterns. They weren't even diagnosed with dementia at first, just started really acting out towards certain family members.

Always remember that we all get old and let's hope that our children and grandchildren will be there for us.

I don't plan on kids at all, so doesn't really apply to me. But I get the point and agree.

Yoko,

I'll bring it up to my dad when he gets home late tonight. I agree he should have more care. He wasn't in the war (he claims he exercised troops though - I take that with a large dose of salt) or suffered any major sort of traumatic experience (at least to my knowledge), and I don't know if he does ever have flashbacks - but I'm just guessing probably not.

Renee,

Exactly. The lines are blurring more for him though because dad said he wasn't quite sure what was being "pretended" and what was actual decline.
My grandmother was the opposite (not his wife - but my dad's mom), she was incredibly sharp down to her last breath, very cutthroat, wicked sense of humor and took no BS from anyone. She was quite quick to be snarky or cynical but was never abusive, never talked down to anyone, and never discriminated anyone based on their lifestyle choices.

Sigh, why aren't there any nice, innocent, mild old people in my life??