Wind- It's mostly a fear of big branches falling out of the trees and killing/maiming me, but it's now conditioned me to feel waves of panic whenever there are large gusts of wind while I'm outside, even if there are no trees around. In that case I can usually logic myself out of it, but there is still that initial feeling of terror caused by whatever hormones get released. But if there are trees around I'm terrified and there is no logic that can convince me I am safe.
Something bad happening to Tucker- The main concerns are my parents getting rid of him while I'm at school, him biting someone, him biting someone and then getting euthanized as a result, and him getting loose and not being found/caught because people terrify him. Him biting someone is probably the biggest one because it's most realistic, I do not trust my parents' aggression management skills.
Heights- I'm not terrified just of being up high, it's more the prospect of falling. If i feel secure I'm alright. And it doesn't really need to be HIGH, it just needs to be somewhere I can fall from and know I won't land on my feet. For example one of the more embarrassing fears is that I can't walk out on a jetti. My legs lock completely if there is any gap whatsoever in the rocks, I feel complete panic. I do not trust my ability to navigate the rocks without falling. If someone gives me so much as their pinky finger to hold onto I can usually do it fine though lol.
Driving- I'm 20 and don't have my license, it's an issue. I just don't trust myself not to kill someone/myself. I don't worry about OTHERS messing up, unless someone is speeding/being an idiot I am not concerned about being in a car with someone, and my main concern isn't someone else hitting me. I don't want to screw up and hurt myself or anyone.
Social Anxiety related- There are several fears directly related to my social anxiety that might seem weird
1. Passing people I know but am not friends with and having to decide whether to wave, say hi, ignore them, pretend I didn't see them, etc. This really stresses me out, especially when passing teachers or people I work with. I'm never sure if they'll know who I am if I wave and then I'll feel like an idiot.
2. People watching me perform a task- I don't need to be alone to do something, but when people are purposely watching me to judge or are watching because they are waiting for me to finish so they can have their turn, I become incapable of completing the task. Like in middle school when teachers would walk around the room and peer over your shoulder to see how you were doing, I'd have to stop completely. I can't do simple addition and have to make a serious effort to make a sentence while they are watching. So usually I'd just stop until they went away. I struggle to do the subtraction on my time sheets if someone is waiting for me to finish so they can fill out theirs. It's probably going to be a problem down the line with work. It's already a problem because I can't really go to someone for extra help in school because they'd be watching me try to do the work and I'd blank entirely, can't guarantee I won't burst into tears either.
3. Being one on one with someone- There is a grand total of two people (beside my parents) who I can eat alone with at the cafeteria/a restaurant. I am now terrified if someone asks me if I want to come to lunch or dinner because I don't know if they mean just with them or with a group. Last year I actually told my roommates boyfriend (who she had been dating for a year and who practically lived with us and is now one of my roommates) that I couldn't go to Panera with him because it would be awkward and uncomfortable. He had asked if I wanted to go with him, my roommate and another friend, so I said yes pretty enthusiastically, but then the other two both backed out for legitimate reasons, so I was sort of trapped and had to tell him the real reason I couldn't go. As terrible and awkward as that made me feel (and still makes me feel) I could not bear to be in a car with him and then eat with him alone. Any sort of silence during the meal would rapidly increase my anxiety because I feel like it's my responsibility to keep the person entertained. They'll think I'm boring and lame if I don't keep up the conversation (and I'm pretty much incapable of that). There was a third person I could eat alone with but I hadn't seen her in a while so now I can't anymore. Same goes with school projects. Give me a partner and I'll panic, throw me in a group of three and I'm perfectly fine.
4. Doing new tasks involving people- I'm afraid of doing anything new, so anything I could run into some sort of trouble/confusion with, if someone is watching or involved. Most notably ordering food (at a register) from somewhere I have not ordered from before. There are two places on campus where you go up to a desk and tell the cashier what you want. I avoided them entirely freshman year. I need to watch other people do it several times, then I can. And even once I do it I tend to limit myself. Like I'll order food but not a smoothie because they might ask me different questions. I'd have to watch people order smoothies before I could. Same with any sort of in person registration, buying movie or other tickets, when I tried using the ATM for the first time and my friends were with me, etc. I cannot stand for someone to watch me struggle, even if I'm not sure that I will struggle, if the possibility is there I can't do it in the presence of someone else.
5. Failing in front of others- Main reason I don't speak in class. I am more than happy to read out loud in class (though I will check to see if there are any numbers I might struggle to say right) but I will not answer questions unless I am 110% sure without a doubt that I am right. Nowadays even if I'm certain I won't offer to answer because there is that little itty bitty chance I'm off, which is something I learned over time. Sometimes I'll even mouth the answer, as if I'm answering it to myself, though I know the teacher can likely see it. I did get called out on that once so stopped for a while. But it's like I want the professor to know that I know, but if I happen to be wrong I don't want the whole class to know I'm an idiot.
6. Looking stupid in my papers/tests I also tend to have a certain "perfectionist" attitude when writing a paper or writing an essay on a test. I would rather get a zero than write something stupid/that has a good chance of being wrong. I'd rather the teacher think I don't know than to to have him see me write something foolish. I want all intelligent answers or no answers. At the same time I will not hand in a half done worksheet even if it will get me partial credit. Leaving half of a worksheet blank makes me look pretty stupid and I don't want the teacher to see it (even though not handing it in makes me look lazy). On a recent AP&P test I left the bonus blank even though it could only help. I knew maybe two small parts, probably only enough for a point or two, but I wrote nothing because I felt stupid writing in two little parts of a large bonus. He mentioned afterwards, after grading them, that it was silly that a few kids left the bonus completely blank, so I likely won't do that again. I just can't stand the comments on papers where I do bad or incomplete work. I got back a test that I got an A (98%) on, but did miss a couple of questions, and looking at the ones I got wrong saw that I had made a really stupid mistake and I felt mortified because the teacher must think I'm incredibly stupid for getting that question wrong, an 8th grader could have gotten it. It didn't occur to me at the time that I got a 98%, he can't think I'm that stupid. But I still feel that he must have thought that while he was grading, and that kills me.
Talking on the Phone- Absolutely terrifying, can't talk to my friends, still get butterflies in my stomach when I call my parents. Can't order food, the only time I tried calling for pizza the guy had an accent that I couldn't understand well so I hung up on him. It's going to make getting a job VERY difficult.
Oddly enough I don't think I get as worried as some when it comes to giving presentations. So long as I've prepared adequately and feel confident in my knowledge I'm pretty good. Yes my heart pounds and races, I get sweaty palms, my mouth goes dry, my voice starts to shake (which is a bit of a problem as that can cause me anxiety if I think everyone can hear it shaking), etc. but I don't get that pit of your stomach panic and then lingering feeling of shame and embarrassment afterwards like I do when I'm in an informal social situation. I do take some time to "come down" afterwards, I sort of have to zone out following a presentation, it's like I went numb and cannot think for a little while, like 10-15 minutes. I might completely miss the next person's presentation for instance. But I'd rather give a (prepared for) presentation than go out to lunch with someone I'm not 100% comfortable with.
