I have feelings for someone else.... What would you do?

Should clarify this....I think the person who is having feelings needs to fix it and figure out quickly what they want. I think they need to work on their current relationship. I dont know though that telling them they have feelings for someone else actually benefits anyone.

:rofl1:

I agree with Greenmagick though. Having feelings for other people was never anything I experienced while in a relationship so it never came up, but if it did the first thing I would do is cut off all contact with that person and concentrate on improving my relationship with my SO.

It kind of depends though. If you're married I think the relationship and people involved deserve going to heroic lengths to work it out, as long as there isn't any abuse going on. If you're just dating? Maybe that's a sign that the relationship isn't intended to be long term. Maybe it's just a trial leading to a long term relationship. All that stuff can only be answered on a case by case basis by the people involved.

Im glad someone mentioned poly relationships. Because I think loving more than one person is completely possible. Now, cheating is different but that doesn't sound like what's going on here..

This has happened to me. It didn't go over well.

My boyfriend had feelings for an ex. He didn't want us to break up, but he wasn't sure if his feelings for her were less than his feelings for me. It was almost like a competition. I told him she could have him, since I'm not into competing for love.

I think you can have feelings for two people (or more, I guess) at once. It depends on the person. I'm not cool with my boyfriend having another girlfriend, so that wouldn't work out. I don't understand poly relationships (not against them at all, I don't really care) but there are many things I don't understand. But, from what I've seen/heard poly relationships have just as many 'rules' as a mono relationship. Like, you can't just sleep with anyone and all of the...members of the relationship get a say. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but still, rules.

I do think if this happened in many (maybe most) relationships, it would have negative reactions. I'm not a love conquers all person, though. It's nice to love someone, but it doesn't pay the bills

I have too many poly friends to not mention it, hahaha.

I think you can have these thoughts. The thought of a new relationship, the butterflies and what ifs etc are great. But to bring the doubt by actually bringing it up in your current one must mean you are seriously considering leaving. You fix it and don't cross that line. That's heartbreak to the other person.

I'd be upset. Kinda happened with us years ago and we split up for a long time. If we hadn't it eventually would have fallen apart anyway. But we also we not married at that point. We also got together at 15.

I don't understand this. If it was just a crush? Your trust would be shaken? Even if nothing happened? Even with loving someone else I don't get that if they don't act on it.

This is an opinion. It may be the majority opinion, but I don't agree and think that it being stated as a fact is offensive. I have loved multiple people at once - I would even say in love with two people at once. I still love one of my ex-boyfriends, in fact - he's a great person and when we broke up I didn't stop loving him. Just because you wont or can't tolerate it doesn't make it wrong or cowardly.

This as well. A crush, romantic love, and being in love are quite different. I have at least two crushes going on right now. Am I cheating? Umm no. Would the SO feel betrayed? No. Is having a crush a choice? I sure don't think so.

My response was assuming something physical was happening in the OP's scenario and then also based on a personal experience. I just figured since the person felt the need to "confess" felt like some more than emotion happened

In the end, the OP asked "what would you do" and that is what we shared.

There is a definite difference between loving someone and being in love, in a committed relationship where you are in love with someone. A passing fancy, crush, feelings or love is simply not the same. In a committed relationship there is (or should be) a foundation of trust, security, and respect. You are entrusting someone to come to you about problems in the relationship, you feel secure in your position, and you respect their feelings, questions, concerns and general being. In that type of relationship, a celebrity crush or joking about how hot a co-worker is...it's trivial. You're happy and assured the relationship is stable and there are no fears or doubts.

To tell someone that their position is threatened shatters the security. Comparing their love to someone else's smacks of disrespect for their efforts and everything that relationship stood for. The trust is simply gone, as you have now bypassed talking about a possibly dying relationship and any problems. You've simply decided the person isn't worth it, and you'd rather cut things in a "This person is better than you, you are no longer good enough" type of way. That is selfish and cowardly. To question it, "Maybe I love you more, I think, possibly you might be good enough" is worse. You aren't even considering the other person at that point. You haven't cut the relationship because your position has changed with your partner. It's because you've allowed someone else to come in and get in the way. You've abandoned respect, security, and trust for that person. It's now only about YOUR feelings and position. Selfish.

In no way was I trying to say the feelings can't be there. Just that a commitment is more than just feelings. And you commit, or you don't. I find little wiggle room there.