More "boy issues"...opinions please??

Hey friends, I'm sorry my last two posts have been about some stupid "boy issues", but I really need some opinions on this from you guys, please? So, my ex boyfriend that I was with for over a year about 3 years ago. Well he joined the Marines, and had got ahold of me back in March and wanted to see me. I spent the entire week that he was home with him and he had assured me that I was the only woman he was pursuing. Well he admitted later he had another girlfriend back at home at the base the entire time.
I appreciated his honesty and later on, after he came back in November, I saw him again when he was home and after he went back to the base we started talking daily, all day long, again.
Well this month and last month he was trying to convince me to move down to California to be with him. He was telling me he loved me and cared about me and I made it pretty clear that I didn't believe him because my trust was so broken. He did not understand and begged and pleaded me to tell him why I just didn't believe that he cared about me.
I still love him, & I always will. And since he was asking me to move to another state to be with him, and seriously pursuing the idea of me moving to be with him, and trying to convince me how much he loved and cared about me and getting frustrated when I just didn't believe it, that led me to believe I was the only woman he was pursuing. That was extremely stupid of me after what happened back in March. But often times I get stupid with guys, especially with this man who I love.
Well something happened that made me believe he was pursuing other women, & I asked him about it, and his response was we were not together so I had no right to be upset with him for pursuing other women and admitted he was., but it took some digging. He lied and made excuses at first but I just wasn't havin it.
Don't you think that is wrong for a man to be seriously pursuing the idea of you moving to another state just to be with him, you would not know anybody else besides him so obviously you would be moving there just to be with him.
If that is the case wouldn't you think/HOPE you were the only woman he was pursuing because asking someone to completely pick up her life to move to another state with you, in my opinion it would be wrong to be pursuing other girls while asking someone to do something like that.
He is telling me I am being absolutely ridiculous and I have no reason to be upset, but I think I do. I think I know that it is wrong, I think I just need some reassurance.
I am extremely hurt and I know that I was being stupid to believe him again. I am also even more hurt because after this conversation I had with him in which I was extremely upset, we stopped talking, he made no attempt to get a hold of me at all, which hurts me even more because above anything else he is supposed to be my friend and he knows I am going through hell in life right now. I think that is what hurt me the most.
Anyway, please post your opinions and hopefully I can get some insight from all of my friends here. Thank you so much for taking your time to read this and I look forward to reading your replies.

Frankly, and in my opinion, he isn't worth your time.

He was in a relationship. While in that relationship, he pursued you. Enough said, right there. Even if he was madly in love with you...he was in a committed relationship and did not end it. Giant, giant, GIANT red flag.

He screwed one girl over. He'll screw you over. 'Nough said. He's not worth your time.

You can do better than him, you can live your life your own way without him in it. Drop him.

#mydrunkopinion

He's not exactly wrong, you aren't dating and you claim you're making it clear you don't intend to get involved with him again, so he's pursuing somebody else. OTOH you're upset about it and for some reason it's important to you that you're the one-and-only in his life, so you're probably sending him some mixed signals.

You are of course free to feel however you like, and it's rude to suggest you have no reason to be upset. If you're upset, more than likely, you have a reason.


That said, this guy is an ex for a reason, and it doesn't really sound like he's much worth having as a friend either. Close the book... move on. It will be okay.

Thank you both for your replies, both of you made very valid points and you both brought me some comfort. Thank you.

I don't think it's wrong to see other people if you're not together.

But if you're not together, why is he even asking you to move with him? It means he's pursuing other women while asking you to go with him? Massive red flag, IMO. It doesn't really matter that you were not together, it matters that he has no notion of what's proper and what isn't. He's done it to you, he's done it to other girls, he'll do it again.

quit wasting your time.

If someone is a priority in your life, the others don't matter. And while he technically may be right that since you aren't together it doesn't matter, it's also abundantly clear you don't really matter either. No matter what his guilty mind tries to convince you of.

Don't take this the wrong way, I've had friends in the past just like this. I had a few girlfriends like this. They care that you pay attention to them but you are not his priority, he is his priority. You're familiar and will give him the attention when he wants it and when you don't, he's very willing to go get it from someone else.

If that's the relationship you want, go for it. Otherwise quit wasting time. Someone like that wouldn't get the courtesy of another answered phone call from me. Much better people deserving of my time and energy, i'm sure there are in your life too, if not, spend sometime finding them.

1. It's wrong of him to be pursing you, asking you to move to be with him, etc. while he's still pursing someone else.

2. Even though it's wrong, you really don't have a right to tell him you think it's wrong because you're not his girlfriend.

To be completely honest, he sounds like the kind of guy who needs to feel pursued and wanted by women. As long as you're friends with him or in contact with him, he's going to be sending you signals to get you to pine after him, but he's most likely doing the same to other girls. I'm sure he cares about you, and maybe you do mean more to him then his girlfriend or whatever other girls he's after, but it doesn't sound like he's mature enough to change to be with you. Or mature enough to stop leading you on and manipulating you to try to get you to want him. He's basically being a huge dick, then turning around and trying to make you feel bad for being upset that he's being a dick.

It might suck a lot, a whole freakin' lot, but this guy isn't good to have in your life in any way, shape, or form. Time to cut ties. Maybe a few years down the road you all can be civil and keep in touch, but you need A LOT of space from this dude.

Just my two cents (from personal experience with a very very similar situation and years of therapy helping me get over it and deal with interpersonal situations).

If you have to convince yourself to pursue a relationship with him, trust your first instinct and don't do it.

He sounds like a player. While it's true you guys weren't together, why is he pursuing you and other girls at the same time? Is he just throwing his net in hoping to catch one? What if he gets two girls? "Sorry, I'm with PBL now, but I'll keep your number just in case". I doubt it. I've known guys like that and in my experience, he isn't likely to be exclusive no matter how much he says he is.

You love him and always will. Don't break contact with him. Write to him, talk to him, be his friend, but I wouldn't pursue any kind of serious relationship with him at this point. And I certainly wouldn't move to be with him. That never ends well.

Finally, thank him for his service for me, please.

I understand there is feelings involved, I really do. But if it were me, I would cut all ties with him. Change your phone number if you have to, or call your cell phone company and tell them to block his calls. And truthfully, the whole "getting upset" about you being reluctant to move OOS for him is not so much about loving you as it is about him wanting his cake and eating it, too. It sounds to me like he is just irritated that he cant get his way.

Like Dr. Phil says: "Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior."

I appreciate everything all of you had to say and I kept it all in mind throughout the past few days while he and I spoke over the phone and through text message since he is a few states away from me due to being in the military. Just being myself, I wanted to give him one last chance to prove himself before I completely cut off contact. His grandfather passed away yesterday and I got some pretty devastating news about my grandfather myself today. Yesterday when his grandfather passed away I was there for him, I cancelled plans I had just so I could talk to him and make sure I was there for him until he felt completely better. I made absolutely sure I was there to support him through this hard time because I love him and I care about him. Well after I spent all that time consoling him, he all of a sudden stop contacting me around 8 o'clock at night, I texted him a few times asking him if he was okay and he did not reply nor did I wake up to a text in the morning, finally I texted him one more time in the morning if he was okay and his reply was yes I'm fine. he knew I had an extremely important and dire appointment I was taking my grandfather to this morning and I thought he would have something to say, even if it was just him wishing me good luck. after I got some pretty devastating news at my grandfather's appointment I texted him because I was extremely upset that he did not offer me any support after just the night before I had offered him all the support I possibly could. I told him I was done, and explained basically everything I have explained to you guys, that I am always there for him and the favor is never returned and I just cannot subject myself to this any longer, talking to him each day lately breaks my heart just as much as not talking to him. his reply was I love you and I am always here for you if you need me, which makes no sense because he is not there for me but hearing I love you makes it even harder for me to let go.
i have taken into consideration everything all of you have said and I know you are right and I know I need to let go. It is much easier said than done, especially since I am going through a difficult time in my life right now and I would really like to have him by my side like he used to be, he just became so emotionless after he joined the Marines and it's been so hard on me. Abandonment is such a hard thing for me to handle, I know its not technically abandonment because I am the one choosing to leave but he has really emotionally abandoned me for the past year and it is something that is so difficult for me to handle and it has been since I was a young child. I know I can let go, I have done this before but it will be even harder because I'm going through such a difficult time in my life right now. Anyway I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all of your support because I really need it right now and you have no idea how much it means to me, thank you.

Sorry ((hugs)) about the boy and your grandfather.

Cutting off contact is so hard when you care about someone. Do you have friends you can talk to and get support from?? Delete his number and just try to distract yourself if you get the urge to call him, or if you feel like you're upset and need him tell yourself you'll wait until the next day or two days or something g and chances are you'll feel better and not want to talk to him anymore.


It's tough, but you'll be able to handle it. You're strong