A few years ago, I was attending Al-anon meetings to help me deal with a family member's alcoholism, and I heard a saying there that I absolutely love and keep it in mind all the time. The saying is "Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Just don't say it mean."
When it comes to being mean in the name of honesty, I think a few things are going on. For some people, I think they are just nasty abusive people and they enjoy hurting others. It probably makes them feel better because they feel horrible about themselves. I had an exboyfriend who loved to sit me down weekly and tell me every horrible thing he felt about me, but would say that he was just being honest and that he loved me so much he wanted to help me improve myself and this was the only way he knew to do it. Looking back, it was him that was the piece of crap, not me. He was an unemployed drug addict and alcoholic, a deadbeat dad (kids from a previous marriage), and had nothing going for himself. I was working full time supporting him, but yet he felt I was the horrible one that needed improving. The only thing that I needed to improve was my self esteem for staying with someone like him as long as I did. I finally wised up and left him for good, but that was only after I ended up having a child by him. Thankfully, he is not in our lives and will never be allowed to be. I am now married to an amazing man now who adopted my son and we also have a child together was well.
I also believe that there are people out there that lack a filter between their brain and their mouth, and don't actually mean to sound mean, it just comes out that way. My husband can be that way, and early in our relationship, his lack of filter caused us to argue because even though he wasn't intending to be mean, it made me feel like I was back in my old relationship with my ex because I was super sensitive to things like that. Over the years, my husband has learned that I am a sensitive person and that if he wants to communicate with me and actually have a discussion that he really needs to think about what he is saying and how he is saying it. Sometimes that can be hard for him because he has ADHD, and can be very impulsive and will blurt out what is on his mind. But he has learned to control those impulses for the most part, and does a much better job at being more tactful. I think what really helped him was that a good friend of his (who was also his boss at one time) actually sat him down one day and told him the same thing I had been trying to tell him for years about how he comes across to people. I think that had a huge impact on him because he now has more of a filter.
For me, I have always been the type of person that could never bring myself to say anything mean to anyone. I was always afraid that I would be hated and no one would have anything to do with me. I think that is why I've had many people in my life just walk all over me because I wouldn't stand up for myself and had little to no self esteem to do so. Now that I am in a happier time in my life, and my self esteem has improved, it seems that my filter between my brain and my mouth malfunctions from time to time. I don't intend to be mean or ugly when that happens, and when it does happen, it surprises me as well as others that have known me for years. I think for most people it just takes time to learn the healthy balance of being honest but not mean. I think that is why I truly love that saying that I heard in Al-anon because that is exactly what I try to do in my life.
