Making YOURSELF Happy?

I'm really having a hard time with this lately and I need some Chazzer words I am not happy at all where I am, I am hanging out with the wrong crowd of people again (I have for 5 years...stopped for about a year), got involved in a relationship with one of these people and I just feel so...STUCK. If I could just wipe them completely out of my life I would, but I can't. I live in a small town so changing my phone number and deleting my Facebook wouldn't do me any good. And I can't move. If I could I honestly would. I want to change my life again. Even when I first got clean, I didn't just stop and take a minute to do ME. Now that's what I really need to do but I just feel so bad...these people are my friends and I do like them for who they are, they're just making bad choices and decisions and I really want to remove myself from all of this crap and drama but I can't seem to bring myself to do it... even though I feel myself slipping and I'm really screwing myself. I find it so hard to just say, "I need time, leave me alone," even though that's what I need to do, I try to do it and they just make me feel SOO bad. "Don't leave me, I hate the bullshit and the drama, too, I wanna change, too.." but I know if I let someone take a different road with me, it's only going to lead to disappointment. I don't want to depend on anyone because I know they're not really gonna do it in the end. I feel like I have a hundred little strings yanking me in different directions and in order to one I have to cut them all - which leads me to, how will I stand on my own?

Well you don't have to tell them that you don't want to hang out with them anymore. Ignore their calls, say you're busy if they want to go out, whatever it takes. It's hard to tell when we don't know much about your life though.

You are not alone. I've been 'stuck' too for several years, I finally got enough strength to just disconnect myself from them, until recently when I was feeling lonely and depressed and thought that they changed... They didn't. You don't have to tell them that you don't want to hang out with them, look at it as a break up. Stop contacting them, do not call them, do not text them, do not go places with them even if they invite you. It's going to be extremely difficult at first (at least for me it was), I felt lost and depressed, but it gets better. I lost my two best friends to drugs, It hurt to remove myself from that friendship... But at the end it was for the best.

I know what that's like...the hard part isn't necessarily saying no to them or ignoring your calls, but a lot of the time it's that you genuinely miss them, or are bored or lonely, and want to see old friends to comfort you, even if it's bad for you in the long run.

It's hard to feel comfortable and connected to a new group of people, and it's hard to let go of friends who make bad choices.

If the issue is getting clean, or wanting to make good choices, you can try to set boundaries, such as only seeing these people one at a time to avoid group pressure...only seeing them during the day time, or with other clean friends around, making a set plan to hang out for an hour or two instead of open-ended plans, and doing something rather than just sitting around thinking of something to do. Also, you need to TELL them that not only are you not going to participate in any behaviors that would be negative for your recovery, but that you do not want them to talk about those activities to you or do them around you.

A lot of people will ignore that. They'll tell you to come over for something, and you'll get there and be surprised by people you don't want to see showing up or an activity you don't want to partake in being suggested. Say no and leave. If you can't say no...that's not the end of the world. Don't put yourself in that position again. Some people you thought were your friends will give up on you because they don't care about you, they only care about what you do with them. It hurts.

Stay busy. Volunteer. Every day. Exercise. A lot. You're going to be lonely, and you're going to want new friends who don't put you in a bad place. They're hard to find. It's easy to feel connected to and comfortable with someone you've been through so much with. But you'll keep going through the same thing with them unless you get out, by yourself. It's hard to feel comfortable with people who have no idea what you've been through. It's hard to be happy when you're lonely. Especially if you're not used to it. But, you'll figure it out. Music helps. Nature helps. Dogs help. Learning helps.

It's a hard thing to do. Everything about my "old life" was a path to destruction. I spent every night getting wasted at the club and going home with whoever might want me. then I ended up in a horribly emotionally abusive relationship. I was stuck in that for THREE YEARS until I finally was able to break free of it. Everyone knows the story and what saved me so I won't go on ad nauseum

It was a little different for me because he lived in my dads house with me so I couldn't just slowly distance myself from him. I had to make a clean break and stick to it until he left... and honestly it took almost two weeks for him to finally GET OUT of the house and out of my life. He tried his best to torture me as much as he could during that time too but I was strong in my convictions and knew at all cost he had to get out of my life.

It's not easy but it's something you have to tell yourself HAS to happen and there is no other option.

I hope you can find the strength to break away from those who are bringing you down. You will be in my prayers. I know sometimes there is nothing worse than feeling like you are in quicksand without a way out

Thank you so much. These replies brought tears to my eyes, because I am really struggling with this. I want to change my phone number today - just get out in every way I possibly can, but my addiction is continuously in the back of my mind, making other plans for me and convincing myself to fall deeper and deeper. I feel like it was in the back of my mind and nwo it has finally found an opportunity to yank me down full force. A part of me wants to tell my counselor, even my parents, because I know the road this is taking me down. I have been down this path before, and I am trying so hard to resist it - yet I'm not resisting it enough... So close, yet so far away.

I'm sorry my mind is all over the place.

Tell your counselor, and your parents if you think they can be supportive. They aren't going to make you feel better, but they will be able to remind you what the right thing to do is, and give you the support you need to make that choice.