So, ladies...
- Thread starter RD
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I have an opposite question.. WWYD if your SO is totally disinterested in your friends despite their efforts to make friend with him?
A hypothetically question for a generic you, of course.
I think it's ideal if you like all your SO's friends & vice versa & that all your friends mutually like each other! But in reality, your SO may have a friend you can't stand, or in reverse, his friend just doesn't like you, and your friends doesn't like him, etc... I think as long as this friend doesn't do anything outwardly disrespectful to you, your SO or your relationship - I'd let it go.
One thing to keep in mind is people perceive things differently. So what you perceive as "disinterest" on your SO's friend part may not be what she's trying to project. Anyway, just a little story of my own.. My husband is a very quite person. He's introvert, and doesn't like to be in a crowd. If you take him to a social event where he didn't know anyone before hand, he'll leave that way, without making any effort to make new friends. It takes him quite some times to get to know someone new. All our mutual friends were my friends at first
When I first introduced him to my friends, everyone thought he was unfriendly & hated them & because of that, hated him! I had to be a mediator trying to get my husband to socialize more, while asking my friends for their patience & acceptance to take him the way he is. A few years down the road, my friends all like him better than they do me, now LOL.
So I would definitely talk to my SO about it, let him know about how I think/feel about/perceive the situation not to ask him to leave his friend but to see if he can help, or at least be aware of my feelings just to avoid awkward situations that may have arised when the two of us are in close proximity to each other before we can find ways to be friend to each other
A hypothetically question for a generic you, of course.
I think it's ideal if you like all your SO's friends & vice versa & that all your friends mutually like each other! But in reality, your SO may have a friend you can't stand, or in reverse, his friend just doesn't like you, and your friends doesn't like him, etc... I think as long as this friend doesn't do anything outwardly disrespectful to you, your SO or your relationship - I'd let it go.
One thing to keep in mind is people perceive things differently. So what you perceive as "disinterest" on your SO's friend part may not be what she's trying to project. Anyway, just a little story of my own.. My husband is a very quite person. He's introvert, and doesn't like to be in a crowd. If you take him to a social event where he didn't know anyone before hand, he'll leave that way, without making any effort to make new friends. It takes him quite some times to get to know someone new. All our mutual friends were my friends at first
When I first introduced him to my friends, everyone thought he was unfriendly & hated them & because of that, hated him! I had to be a mediator trying to get my husband to socialize more, while asking my friends for their patience & acceptance to take him the way he is. A few years down the road, my friends all like him better than they do me, now LOL. So I would definitely talk to my SO about it, let him know about how I think/feel about/perceive the situation not to ask him to leave his friend but to see if he can help, or at least be aware of my feelings just to avoid awkward situations that may have arised when the two of us are in close proximity to each other before we can find ways to be friend to each other
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Absolutely, talk to your SO about it if you have an issue with it. It's all about trust of course. I trust my husband with the very deepest parts of my heart and soul and vice versa and I'm glad we don't have these kinds of issues. I'm glad we don't play these kinds of games. if one of us has an issue... we talk about it and take the nessecary steps to fix it.
it helps, I suppose, that we moved to this area together so pretty much all our friends are mutual friends. I have my moms group friends but we often have family gatherings and there has never been an issue with people snubbing anothers spouse.
I just don't like games whether it be with my SO or with my friends. I had enough of the "I don't like your boyfriend so I'm going to trash talk him to you and refuse to be around him" in highschool... I dont' have that kind of time to play those kinds of games now as an adult. I'm a zero drama kind of person. Just be friendly.
it helps, I suppose, that we moved to this area together so pretty much all our friends are mutual friends. I have my moms group friends but we often have family gatherings and there has never been an issue with people snubbing anothers spouse.
I just don't like games whether it be with my SO or with my friends. I had enough of the "I don't like your boyfriend so I'm going to trash talk him to you and refuse to be around him" in highschool... I dont' have that kind of time to play those kinds of games now as an adult. I'm a zero drama kind of person. Just be friendly.
I would have to have a serious talk with him about why he couldn't be bothered to put out the effort to at least be civil with my friends.
You don't have to be best friends with everyone but if people are friendly to you... you should have the decency to be friendly back. if you can't do that than I have to wonder what kind of person you are that you can't show basic decency to others. It doesn't take much to show a basic kindness to others and that is something very important to me.
You don't have to be best friends with everyone but if people are friendly to you... you should have the decency to be friendly back. if you can't do that than I have to wonder what kind of person you are that you can't show basic decency to others. It doesn't take much to show a basic kindness to others and that is something very important to me.
I would ignore it. Maybe talk to my SO about it.. but if I truly do trust my partner, then really..who cares if she doesn't like me? As long as she isn't mean or cruel or do anything TO ME other than just ignoring/cold shoulder stuff..then whatever. And as long as their time hanging out doesn't interfere with my time with him and common courtesy is used when hanging out with her (telling me in advance so I can make plans with my friends, not canceling on me etc..)
My guy friends almost NEVER like guys I date. and usually, the treatment of them goes from cold shoulder to worse... but these guys are my brothers. and if I was dating a guy who was so insecure he couldn't deal with a few of my friends not liking him or wanted ME to give up my friends
he would be gone. fast.
If I really trusted my partner and he really trusted me... Friends of the opposite sex shouldn't be a problem IMO
and either way, my friends are sacred to me so anybody who asked me to give them up in the name of insecurities or not trusting me like I'm some kind of cat in heat would be out the door in a heartbeat.
Drama/cruel acts/actually ACTING out on her hatred is a whole nother issue. I am not going to deal with drama with friends or a crazy person..
but just cold shoulder ignoring little rude stuff? whatever. I'd deal with it.
My guy friends almost NEVER like guys I date. and usually, the treatment of them goes from cold shoulder to worse... but these guys are my brothers. and if I was dating a guy who was so insecure he couldn't deal with a few of my friends not liking him or wanted ME to give up my friends
he would be gone. fast.
If I really trusted my partner and he really trusted me... Friends of the opposite sex shouldn't be a problem IMO
and either way, my friends are sacred to me so anybody who asked me to give them up in the name of insecurities or not trusting me like I'm some kind of cat in heat would be out the door in a heartbeat.
Drama/cruel acts/actually ACTING out on her hatred is a whole nother issue. I am not going to deal with drama with friends or a crazy person..
but just cold shoulder ignoring little rude stuff? whatever. I'd deal with it.
For me... It's just too much effort to juggle those who can't get along. I don't want to feel like I am walking in eggshells with people I should be comfortable with.
But I am also not an Overly great friend lol. I don't call much. I din't plan girls nights out. So on and so forth. I keep company with other women who are as busy as I am lol so they completely understand that I don't have the time or desire to spend an hour on the phone and such.
But I am also not an Overly great friend lol. I don't call much. I din't plan girls nights out. So on and so forth. I keep company with other women who are as busy as I am lol so they completely understand that I don't have the time or desire to spend an hour on the phone and such.
Why does it have to be a jealousy or trust thing? I am the least jealous person around. I am confident in myself and in my marriage. I wouldn't have an issue just because the person may be a female. It would be the same for males. I HATE that stupid saying "bros before hoes".
I wouldn't MAKE my spouse get rid of said friend. I don't MAKE my spouse do anything but I certainly appreciate that he cares enough to care about my feeligs even if they would seem irrational and that goes both ways. I respect my husband and his feelings.
I wouldn't MAKE my spouse get rid of said friend. I don't MAKE my spouse do anything but I certainly appreciate that he cares enough to care about my feeligs even if they would seem irrational and that goes both ways. I respect my husband and his feelings.
I agree...
If a person and their SO have a honest and trusting relationship then there is nothing to worry about. If there comes a time when a friend goes to far and tries to make a move past the platonic friendship then you have to trust your partner to make the right decision, if they dont THEN its time to worry..
*begin rant*
this isnt towards anyone in particular, but Im sick and tired of women who try to make men into monsters who try to **** anyone that has a vagina and thats all they are out to get... NOT all men are like that and not ALL women who want to be friends with your SO want to sleep with them... I see soooo many women putting down men and saying basically "men arent ****, men are this, men are that, and it makes me sick. NO man is going to be that 100% man you have on your wishlist, Im not saying lower your standards by any means but when you have a 98% man why leave him for some minor simple ****..
*end rant*
If a person and their SO have a honest and trusting relationship then there is nothing to worry about. If there comes a time when a friend goes to far and tries to make a move past the platonic friendship then you have to trust your partner to make the right decision, if they dont THEN its time to worry..
*begin rant*
this isnt towards anyone in particular, but Im sick and tired of women who try to make men into monsters who try to **** anyone that has a vagina and thats all they are out to get... NOT all men are like that and not ALL women who want to be friends with your SO want to sleep with them... I see soooo many women putting down men and saying basically "men arent ****, men are this, men are that, and it makes me sick. NO man is going to be that 100% man you have on your wishlist, Im not saying lower your standards by any means but when you have a 98% man why leave him for some minor simple ****..
*end rant*
Always keep your friends close, and your enemies closer...
Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do...if he is going to cheat, he will find a way, no matter what you do. But, I do know... sitting around worrying about it, will NOT change the situation. Easier said then done, I know.
My motto has always been, I will trust my so, bf, husband, whatever, until he gives me reason not to trust him. Then, if he breaks my trust, we have a whole new ball game.
Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do...if he is going to cheat, he will find a way, no matter what you do. But, I do know... sitting around worrying about it, will NOT change the situation. Easier said then done, I know.
My motto has always been, I will trust my so, bf, husband, whatever, until he gives me reason not to trust him. Then, if he breaks my trust, we have a whole new ball game.
I guess the first thing I would do would be to actually talk to her to make sure there wasn't some sort of misunderstanding.
If there wasn't, I'd say something like, "Boy, that Susie really hates my guts, aheheh. Anyway, what should we do tonight?" the just drop it and let him do what he wants to about it. He's a grown up, I'm not his mother.
Nagging about it isn't going to do anything. Worrying about it isn't going to do anything. I don't expect everyone in life to like me. I don't expect my friends to only be friends with people who like me. I don't like some of my friends' SOs and have no interest in being anything beyond civil to them. I'm glad those friends don't drop ME. *shrug*
If there wasn't, I'd say something like, "Boy, that Susie really hates my guts, aheheh. Anyway, what should we do tonight?" the just drop it and let him do what he wants to about it. He's a grown up, I'm not his mother.
Nagging about it isn't going to do anything. Worrying about it isn't going to do anything. I don't expect everyone in life to like me. I don't expect my friends to only be friends with people who like me. I don't like some of my friends' SOs and have no interest in being anything beyond civil to them. I'm glad those friends don't drop ME. *shrug*
No harm done. It was specific because I'd been running the scenario through my head for a bit, and talking about it with some friends. My boyfriend and I have already spoken about this and we're in agreement with one another. I simply wanted to hear what other people thought, since I find it to be an interesting social scenario with so much potential for immense drama.
My boyfriend and I have both had numerous friends who had no interest in spending time with us as a couple - they really only either wanted me alone, or him alone, and had no interest in getting to know the SO. I have a couple long-standing friends who are cold to my boyfriend, and he has a couple of friends who don't want anything at all to do with me, but those friendships were happy ones before our relationship, so we just leave them be. Some of those friendships have even become mutual after a few years of exposure, and it's something I'm thankful for!
When it comes to new friendships, we honestly do prefer to get to know people who have an interest in friendship with both of us. We're both quite a bit alike, with similar interests and a similar sense of humor, so generally most people who like me wind up liking my boyfriend, and vice versa.
I think it's also probably key to point out that we're not the most socially active couple, and most of our human interaction is with one another. I'm not a social butterfly at all, and I don't know how well a relationship with a super-social creature would pan out for me. We both have a handful of close friends, and another few handfuls of more distant acquaintances. We're content without a massive social network.
My boyfriend and I have both had numerous friends who had no interest in spending time with us as a couple - they really only either wanted me alone, or him alone, and had no interest in getting to know the SO. I have a couple long-standing friends who are cold to my boyfriend, and he has a couple of friends who don't want anything at all to do with me, but those friendships were happy ones before our relationship, so we just leave them be. Some of those friendships have even become mutual after a few years of exposure, and it's something I'm thankful for!
When it comes to new friendships, we honestly do prefer to get to know people who have an interest in friendship with both of us. We're both quite a bit alike, with similar interests and a similar sense of humor, so generally most people who like me wind up liking my boyfriend, and vice versa.
I think it's also probably key to point out that we're not the most socially active couple, and most of our human interaction is with one another. I'm not a social butterfly at all, and I don't know how well a relationship with a super-social creature would pan out for me. We both have a handful of close friends, and another few handfuls of more distant acquaintances. We're content without a massive social network.
one more thing lol...
Its human nature for us to want to be liked, and for everyone to want to be our friend, but in reality its not gonna happen, no matter what you do some people just dont want to be your friend and we need to learn that. Sure we can be somewhat civil if we want to, but that doesnt mean that if Im friends with someone I have to like or be friends with their SO..
ok im done with my .05 cents
Its human nature for us to want to be liked, and for everyone to want to be our friend, but in reality its not gonna happen, no matter what you do some people just dont want to be your friend and we need to learn that. Sure we can be somewhat civil if we want to, but that doesnt mean that if Im friends with someone I have to like or be friends with their SO..
ok im done with my .05 cents
If I have a male friend, that I prefer to going out to eat with and seeing movies with and all that jazz over the company of my husband, then there is definitely an issue with the relationship.
If my husband has a female friend, and he continuously wanted to take her out to lunch and to got to a country concert on the weekends, whereas I'm sitting at home alone, there is a problem.
I'm a tomboy. I get along much better with guys that I do with girls. But with that said, for the sake and RESPECT of my marriage/relationship, there are just some things I do or don't do, and even sacrifice, in order to keep my marriage strong.
I could not, would not, be in a relationship with someone that preferred the companionship of other women over mine. And don't give me any of that "platonic" mumbo jumbo. By all means, have female friends. Talk on the phone a few minutes every once in a while. If you work together, having lunch isn't that big of a deal. But don't go sheduling "platonic" dinners together or activities together, while I'm sitting at home with the kids. That isn't "platonic" no matter how much one tries to justify it.
I'll be the first one to admit I became really close friends with a coworker vet tech while at my former employment. I wasn't married yet, but was engaged. I realized that my friendship with this other guy was a bit strong, and I realized that there was a mutual attraction. So I backed off and cooled the friendship to a more coworker-type of aquaintance. Did I just throw away a friendship? No. I was responsible and respectful enough to stop anything before anything could start.
The thing about men and women is, that unless one of them is homosexual, there is usually an underlying attraction of some sort that plays a part in that bond of friendship-even platonic ones. And sadly, not everyone is smart enough (or willing) to back off when things start going in a different direction.
I'm all for having friends. But I'm also all for not sitting underneath the tree of knowledge staring and drooling at the apple hanging above my head (aka keeping onesself away from temptation).
If my husband has a female friend, and he continuously wanted to take her out to lunch and to got to a country concert on the weekends, whereas I'm sitting at home alone, there is a problem.
I'm a tomboy. I get along much better with guys that I do with girls. But with that said, for the sake and RESPECT of my marriage/relationship, there are just some things I do or don't do, and even sacrifice, in order to keep my marriage strong.
I could not, would not, be in a relationship with someone that preferred the companionship of other women over mine. And don't give me any of that "platonic" mumbo jumbo. By all means, have female friends. Talk on the phone a few minutes every once in a while. If you work together, having lunch isn't that big of a deal. But don't go sheduling "platonic" dinners together or activities together, while I'm sitting at home with the kids. That isn't "platonic" no matter how much one tries to justify it.
I'll be the first one to admit I became really close friends with a coworker vet tech while at my former employment. I wasn't married yet, but was engaged. I realized that my friendship with this other guy was a bit strong, and I realized that there was a mutual attraction. So I backed off and cooled the friendship to a more coworker-type of aquaintance. Did I just throw away a friendship? No. I was responsible and respectful enough to stop anything before anything could start.
The thing about men and women is, that unless one of them is homosexual, there is usually an underlying attraction of some sort that plays a part in that bond of friendship-even platonic ones. And sadly, not everyone is smart enough (or willing) to back off when things start going in a different direction.
I'm all for having friends. But I'm also all for not sitting underneath the tree of knowledge staring and drooling at the apple hanging above my head (aka keeping onesself away from temptation).
Exactly.
Been there, seen it, watched it happen to friends (sometimes the friend was the guy who was getting worked) and the bottom line is, no matter how much guys protest that they "understand women" and "know what is going on" they don't. No straight man will EVER understand the behaviors of manipulative barracudas.
Been there, seen it, watched it happen to friends (sometimes the friend was the guy who was getting worked) and the bottom line is, no matter how much guys protest that they "understand women" and "know what is going on" they don't. No straight man will EVER understand the behaviors of manipulative barracudas.