This is the last post I will make about my friend.

I am so sorry for your loss Steph, no person should ever have to go through that.

Thanks very much again.

Katie,

I'm not quite past the sobbing/aching bit yet - but I hope to be able to smile in remembrance of her soon. A friend of mine is trying to put aside her differences with Emiley and be there for me - my dad and Katalin both help enormously as well, Mom has mellowed and at least isn't adding to the load since I got news of what happened.

I've been busy with emptying her place, purchasing oranges, Buddha's hands, and her favorite flowers for offerings at temple service, reciting sutras, and trying to center myself - I've been a wreck all year and even more so now. Our favorite junk foods, drinks, books, her favorite manga novels, and her iPod will be also placed on the alter as offerings.

I never planned on organizing a funeral - even less so that of my best friend's....

I think you're incredibly strong and brave. You'll get through this. It's got to be sad on the one hand, organizing this funeral. But on the other hand, I bet gathering all this stuff, going through a religious ritual may well be quite therapeutic. I hope going through these steps will be of some comfort to you. And knowing that she is no longer in that awful pain may eventually turn into some kind of peace for you. But you'll miss her, that is inescapable. In time, usually acceptance creeps in and good memories fill your heart and you'll smile. I wish no one would ever feel that low with no speck of hope. Hope is something that you should hold onto tenaciously and never let it go. Search for what's really important and surprisingly, it's often small things. And never think that you'll always feel so down trodden. Things just don't stay the same. Ups and downs are all part of life.

Lots of healing vibes for you Stephy. Stay strong and never ever believe that bad times have to stay bad. ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Thank you <3

Back home from prayers now - had a long meeting with the abbot. Her funeral will be on the 26th. Every 7 days for a period of 49 days (The time that it takes to re-incarnate and mourn in Buddhist tradition) prayers will be made for her; It could be a elaborate ritual varying with every stage of development within the 49 days with meals, drink, expensive offerings, and such - unfortunately this is well beyond my reach financially and we are not progenitors of the temple or followers of any very significant priority. I'm not complaining though - prayers are fine and there will be things at home as well.

Yeah it is sort of therapeutic - studying the rituals and gestures help focus my mind in other directions. She doesn't have that much to put in place; a small amount of money (under $1000 including her security deposit), her belongings, and notification of her relatives. They will be invited to the funeral - if they show up or not is entirely up to them. I won't push it.

I found myself feeling angry today - furious and resentful even at one point. I'll eventually accept it...be at peace with it though?...seems like a long ways to go....

I've stayed out of this thread because.. well.. I just can't participate, but I just wanted to pop in and say that I absolutely understand that feeling. Try and remember that, at the time, she was in a frame of mind where nothing but the pain she felt was shining through -- she never meant to make you feel that way and didn't THINK that you would feel that much pain.

I've been going through that phase of intense pain too - I can only imagine what it was like for her. Still; waves of these feelings of anger, fury, sadness, guilt etc keep flowing back and forth...it's only been a few days. There's a lifetime without her to get through....

She's cremated and home here now in a black lacquer vase. The people were very nice and kept saying it was good of me to do so much for her etc etc - it doesn't seem like very much to me at all and I wish I could have done more; doesn't even feel like I've done enough at all really.

Prayers later then a hell of alot to get thru in the next week... It's not a huge amount of work but it's piercing my insides and my heart....

You did what was needed -- for you and for her. You did it with love.

That is All.

Thanks Renee - I'd like to think so too; I will hopefully, in time...

It hurt today more than ever - I cried very very hard. I was napping and I felt stung by something and zoomed out of bed.... It all started to really hit me, she's gone, she's not here. On top of that I don't have much comfort...I might be homeless in a month....I just bawled for a long time...I picked myself up and went for a walk - am watching silly videos on the internetty now and eating, I feel abit more calm...the reality of the situation and everything is just really...brutal.

This song I was rehearsing made my heart wince...

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

The only girl I care about has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know that when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

Rain, please tell me now does that seem fair
For her to steal my heart away when she don't care
I can't love another when my heart's somewhere far away