Disappointment over gifts

In addition, I don't know how long her brother has been dating the mother of the child. Marriage is not the end all/be all, but the child of a girlfriend is world's different than an adopted child.

It sounds as if having adopted children is a personal sore point if a completely unrelated comment on an internet forum is this bothersome. I know that if my child were adopted, I'd not give that comment a second thought. Certainly would not be offended by it.

ETA: to stay on topic, I don't get disappointed over gifts. I'm happy with anything someone wishes to gift me, and if they just give a heartfelt "happy holidays!" or a card because they're cash strapped, that's fine too. Holidays are about togetherness for me, rather than gifts.

I consider myself fortunate that both my family and my husband's aren't that hung up on traditional Christmas and gift-giving.

I'm an only child who lived with my parents most of my life away from the rest of our family. The people we celebrated the holidays with fluctuated from year to year, mostly friends and neighbors. We did different things every year and have VERY few set 'traditions'. It was a lot of fun and I learned not to expect gifts, expect a set routine, and I was very grateful for whatever happened, whether it was a nice meal or new set of pajamas.

My husband's family is huge and fragmented, but I've never felt like I HAD to buy for someone, except my husband and his parents. We try really hard to buy for his siblings (he has four) but his various nieces, nephews, cousins, uncles, aunts, etc...we're talking 50+ people. We don't get to see them every holiday season, but when we do, we just try to enjoy the time we spend together. Gifts have never been the main focus and I think it's a **** shame that we place so much value on them.

Actually I asked other adoptive parents if I was overreacting and they all said so far that they find it very offensive as well. So it's not just me. The sore point I guess is that some people still think that blood is everything, and consider adopted/step children 'less' than biological children. And I guess even if it's not what she meant, it's still how she decided to phrase it. And I couldn't give a rat ass if I'm 'being ridiculous' about it. That's how I feel. That's how other adoptive parents feel. So I know I'm not totally overreacting. But clearly nobody's mind is going to be changed on the topic sooo let's move on.

I agree that there's too much value placed on gifts. It sucks. I hate feeling obligated to get something. But I'd feel guilty not getting anything or getting something crappy. We used to have a lottery when we only bought for one adult and one child and it was so much easier...

My brother is NOT dating the mother of any child. He was more or less a sperm doner for my nephew (he dropped said nephew's mom, AKA NOT my sister, as soon as he found out she's pregnant, nearly 10 years ago). My nehew's mom, who again is NOT my sister, is married to another man, who is NOT my brother, and the child in question is the daughter of NOT my sister and NOT my brother. NOT related to me. Period. End of story.

I will not apologize because there is no reason to. Even if I had planned on apologizing, demanding an apology is hardly the way to go about getting a sincere one. You read into my comment what you wanted to hear, and that is not my fault. I'm not going to apologize for your mental processes.

Im sorry Fran27, and here's the apology in advance, BUT the fact that you HAVE TO ASK other adoptive parents about something that offended you on a forum says how you are over reacting to this issue. My husband is adopted and he has no issue about being referred to as not blood related because THAT is the truth, he doesnt have to be blood related with his "family". ITS HIS FAMILY and that is all that matters. End of story.

I have severe anxiety that my gift won't be liked by the recipient when doing secret santa type things (usually because you don't know the person extremely well, so it's sort of a shot in the dark thing).

I also worry that I will buy average stuff and then someone will send me omgthemostamazingthing, and my recipient will feel slighted. Strangely I don't worry at all about the opposite happening (me spending a lot or buying something super special and receiving something smaller).

I wish that weren't the case.

It's hilarious that you used the term "gypped" in a thread where people are getting offended over terminology because for 100% real, my husband is part Romani.

I call him a dirty gypsy almost every day, though, so I'm not offended.

Oh.
my.
goodness.
I seriously just realized the words "getting gypped" and "gypsy" were linked at all.. I HAD NO IDEA!

Now I feel bad..I had no idea..

Bahahahahahaha!

I lolled. I try not to use that word, because I know it does offend some romani people, as well as "jewed" but a couple Jewish friends call each other dirty Jews all the time. I laugh, but I would never dare.



And that's my contribution to the thread, aside from stressing over whether or not the mail will even get my package to my SS. I'm sending another one tomorrow because I'm sure it's lost. This time I'll be getting delivery confirmation.

This is exactly what I thought of.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlhHTdDqoBc

BAHAHA.

As far the people saying they have "no choice" in giving gifts. . . actually, you do have a choice. You feel obligated, and you're choosing to give gifts instead of creating a fuss. It's a legitimate choice, but it is a choice.

I realized that I'm an adult now and I don't have to celebrate Christmas or give gifts if I don't want to. It's been a completely stress-less holiday, for the first time ever. I miss the tree. . . but putting my foot down and letting everyone know I'm not celebrating a religious holiday for a religion I don't believe in is one of the best things I've done this year to reduce my stress level.

I was just sitting here with my mouth hanging open going "Gypped....Gypsy...Gypped....oh my god!"

I didn't know that either!

Though it makes sense, I've always liked the word Gypsy and I use the word Gypped fairly frequently. They sound nice :rofl1:

See, I completely missed that, lol. Good heavens, that's even less of a deal.


In regards to Secret Santa exchanges,I do always have anxiety. Even though it is completely silly. I never take the cost of what I get into account though. Anything is appreciated. The last one I participated in, I got some lovely loose leaf teas. I was extra excited

Invent your own.

An Xmas tree and lights (red and green and blue, not all white) are required as part of my made up, December only religion One of these days I am going to haul car batteries up a mountain and light a pine tree there!

Edit: NVM

People worry too Much about SS. There's a price limit for a reason.

Um not the same thing at all. It's not the 'blood related' thing. It's the 'even'. 'she's not even blood related but we invite her anyway'. Just ick. Like they're doing her a favor by inviting her for Christmas. And yes I was wondering if I was overreacting, but they confirmed that I was not. So there

And no, I don't agree that not giving a gift or creating a fuss is much of a choice, personally. Maybe when people get older and wiser... but I'm guessing the persons complaining in the first post were pretty young.

Now... don't get me started about spoiled kids whining because they didn't get an Ipad/Iphone or a car But it's not the same IMO...

I mean, I'm just going to go ahead and say if you have to ask if you're overreacting, and a bunch of people in the same position as you agree you aren't, you still aren't getting an objective view on whether or not you were overreacting.

For the record, I don't care one way or the other. It's not like I've got a horse in this race, exactly, but we had the same thing happen. A cousin brought his girlfriend (of all of a month) which was fine, but she brought her younger brother. Who was a holy terror. Neither of them were even related to anyone, but they both showed up and showed their a*s. I think it's more of a thing where family members can get away with certain things on the holidays/at gatherings, but if you're not related, you really do need to be on your best behavior.

And children who are adopted count as family, so it's kind of a moot point. It's more of a family vs NOT family thing. No one is saying you have to be blood to be family.

I didn't either..... None...... Never occurred to me... Hmmm another to cross off the list..

And Fran that reaction you had makes me smile, I really tried to get things you'd enjoy and glad I succeeded!

Also, my two cents... My brother is adopted, we never ever think of him that way, he's just.... My brother, you know? In fact when he had to have his appendix out at 16 the Dr was asking Mom his family history and she'd rattled off a few things before laughing and going, uhhh wait, we don't know his biological family's history... That's how integrated he is, he's just... Us.... Not my "adopted" brother... Just my brother...

Fran27, I didn't take the comments as a slam to my family, or my brother and do feel you are overreacting a bit...

I'm quite intrigued about how this thread turned out, and this it tells us a LOT!

Nolu, you don't have to celebrate a religious event by having a tree in your house! I'm as religious as a flip flop (not a Jesus sandal), but I LOVE Christmas. To me it's about my own traditions. Ones I have taken from my family, and ones I will make my own for when or if I have kids.

Christmas is just a name for a time of year to me. A food filled time of year mostly.

I love food.

Honestly I think the age thing is a cheap shot... I am "older" and I do absolutely think it's a choice. Part of getting older and wiser is realizing what things are really important... and keeping score with my family isn't important to me. Doing things because that's the way they've always been done isn't important to me.

I've stopped sending Christmas cards, something that many people think isn't a valid choice. Personally I think they're wasteful and in many cases insincere... especially from people who send them to everyone they ever knew but make no other effort to stay in touch beyond a once a year card, picture, and/or letter. So far I haven't lost any friends over it and it reduces my stress and annoyance level enormously.

Last year my nephew was unable to buy anyone gifts due to his financial situation... no one was upset, and we even invited him back again this year! It's his company we want, not whatever stuff he brings along.

My husband's extended family is enormous and we've pretty much bowed out of getting gifts for any of them except one uncle who he is particularly close to... each year some of them randomly give us gifts anyway. Nobody cares. They are far more disappointed if we can't join them for the holidays than if we don't come with gifts.

That is what I want the holidays to be about - good company, spending time with family and friends, and good food. Not obligations and worrying about the equality of who bought whom what gifts... I don't need that crap in my personal life, there's enough everywhere else. That's how I choose to participate in the holidays.