Dating someone with kids...

Shai · Aug 6, 2012

yoko said:

I'm saying that she actually talked to him. And that there is no way that line you keep referencing is a direct quote because it's not human speaking English. Not to mention only a vague idea of context and non of associated nonverbals. Kinda shooting in the dark there.

And mostly just that it's her life and if she has questions she should be asking him, not us word-wrestling internet hooligans

. And if her reaction upon hearing what he actually said is that this is not the guy/situation for her then by all means end it. What I, personally, would do is really irrelevant. As is any baggage I may have.

Not said before but I'll add it here: And wishing her the best with whatever she decides.

ETA: OP replied while I was writing, making further replies rather moot

.

darkchild16 · Aug 6, 2012

Dreeza said:

i actually did tell him that...which made me really understand his perspective and WHY he didn't tell me from the start. Every girl he has told from the start has peaced out on date one. I totally get it, honestly. And for about 3 weeks of the month & a half, we didnt see each other cause we were both out of town. I do wish he told me earlier, but that I can forgive easily. For everyone overanalyzing that...whatever. Not my issue here.

For all overanalyzing the comment of not putting his kids first...also not an issue. Again, for day to day things (we got into this), of course kids & their immediate needs come first. But from his perspective (and actually something I strongly agree with), many couples end up forgetting about their spouse once they have children...he feels it is very important to always keep the spouse's needs in minds & first when possible. I don't feel that this is usually a conflict.

I DO want to probe him a bit more about his involvement & dedication to them, as he did not seem like he wanted to get into it...but my immediate impression of it was NOT cause he didn't like them (he clearly stated he does regret his marriage, but absolutely loves his kids)...but cause he was scared really talking about them was going to for sure scare me off for good. I wasn't exactly like "oh kids!? fantastic!" I definitely had a "WTF" reaction, so its understandable (to me at least), that he didn't want to be like "OMG, let me tell you ALL about them.". If he continues not to act so closed about them, then YES, I would consider that a red flag. Right now I just see a guy with a lot of bad dating history, clueless about how to deal with his past decisions & how they are affecting how he wants to get on with his life.

RTH - as per usual, I agree with you. I can't decide if kids are a deal breaker. I think someone said something about what would happen if the ex-wife died...not that I even want to say this, cause it is horrible to think about, but honestly, while I want children...I don't want to deal with birth & babies, so I prob wouldn't have an issue with that. I am currently going as the legal guardian to my niece & nephew if anything happens (god forbid) to my sis & her husband...something I willingly agreed to...so yah?

I think the best insight this thread is giving me is how defensive of him I am being in my mind when I read the negative posts. Makes me realize how much I like him.

I posted about the mother and I didnt mean it directly towards you but the type of situation not bringing it up and saying that COULD cause.

Dreeza · Aug 6, 2012

Shai said:

haha thanks...you're right. I really am not trying to apply what someone else to do to my situation. Like I stated...I knew there were more questions I have for him...but just couldnt think of them. I posted this thread to help me brainstorm potential relevant implications. Mission Accomplished. Ignoring the other stuff.

Dreeza · Aug 6, 2012

CaliTerp07 said:

Thanks for the first interpretation, Cali! I completely agree that this is how it should be. While I shouldn't make assumptions, I think he was referring to the way things are now...and not some crazy horrific situation that could potentially occur down the road that could require him to uproot & move across the country. Even if that was the case, you would hope his future wife would be willing to move with him anwyays, as the whole 'spouse & their needs' thing should go both ways. And I can easily see myself doing something like that with someone whom I would deem worthy enough to be my husband if that is where life lead us.

Dizzy · Aug 7, 2012

First off the bat, I'd be questioning why he didn't TELL ME FIRST.......

The kids part is just part of life, but the fact he withheld that info would REALLY **** me off.

release the hounds · Aug 7, 2012

Dizzy said:

why do so many feel this way? You don't get someone's life story on a first date, or even 5th date. If kids are such a huge deal breaker, ASK. If they are such a huge deal, then why aren't you asking on the first date.

Not everyone is worth divulging things to right off the bat. yes kids are a big deal, and no, they don't need to be discussed the first night.

Kids are a heavy topic, they are a huge commitment. Maybe he/she wants to see if you even like the same types of food, entertainment, sports teams, and little trivial things like that before engaging in the big, I have kids and an ex-wife type talks.

It's not something that needs to be decided in a date, especially the first one. Those things can develop over months.

darkchild16 · Aug 7, 2012

Because being a parent is a pretty big deal. Trying to date as a parent sucks but thats part of life if you become a single parent. I cant imagine hiding the fact I had kids past the first date. One why waste someones time if they dont want to be with someone with kids. Alot of things make dating sucks but thats just one thing you divulge pretty early in. Just like my husband said in the first time we talked that he was a firefighter and if that was a deal breaker then he needed to know then. We talked further and I told him my concerns and it isnt a issue obviously, I mean Im still worried and cant sleep the entire time he goes on a call but I know hes being safe and Im proud of him.

Dizzy · Aug 7, 2012

release the hounds said:

It's not a deal maker or breaker depending on the person... but that's HUGE. I'd want to know. I'm not asking for their birth weights and whether their mummy breast fed them or not..... but I'd want to be with someone who was open from day one.

"Oh by the way, I have kids...." I'd feel duped. And if that small fact didn't crop up in conversation over a WHOLE DATE.... well... errr.... weird. And why waste your time dating someone if they don't like kids? You could find that out on date #1. If they feck off they're not worth your time. If they stick around, then fecking A!

release the hounds · Aug 7, 2012

so if it's such a big deal, then why not just ask?

Converstations take all sorts of turns on dates, especially early ones. If it's that big of deal, then the person that has the issue should bring it up I think. Take some responsibility. Otherwise, I don't see any reason why the topic of kids has to come up right away.

Greenmagick · Aug 7, 2012

I guess for me, his kids should pretty much always be on his mind so they SHOULD come up pretty early on in conversation. No, he shouldnt be talking about them nonstop, and a very first date I could maybe see them not coming up....but 6 weeks in seems odd to me. I wasnt there so just going by what has been said.

JessLough · Aug 7, 2012

I love how 1 1/2 months has just magically become 6 weeks. I sure don't wait to make sure it's been exactly 6 weeks before I say "a month and a half"

I think y'all are skipping the fact that they were 1) taking it slow (which I interpret as weren't out together as often as y'all are making it seem) and 2) there's a huge chunk of that that they didn't see each other at all (didnt she say 2 weeks? If we assume 6 weeks total, that's 1/3 of the whole time)

darkchild16 · Aug 7, 2012

Because that is something IMO you shouldnt have to ask. Its pretty obvious when you first talk to me that Im a animal person and a parent. Just like the fact that I like sports and country music. Its a big part of me and my life. Just like for my husband firefighting is his. In fact about 30-40 minutes after he told me he was one his pager went off LOL.

Greenmagick · Aug 7, 2012

JessLough said:

Ok, fine, however long it was.....more than 1 or 2 dates or convos for ME wouldve been too long to not mention kids. To ME that would be a giant red flag that required a lot more looking into. (and how is 1 1/2 months not 6 weeks about? A month is rounded to 4 weeks, so....)

Dizzy · Aug 7, 2012

1.5 months IS 6 weeks?

And I would ask....... But I'd also talk about kids if I had them. What's to hide?

joce · Aug 7, 2012

I kinda don't blame the guy. From dating he has likely learned if he says it right away it's over. As he gets older maybe not so much but for now yeah.

And realy?! Life is here people. The kids mom likely moved for a job and life and people only move cross country and drop everything in the movies for one thing.

I saw my dad a couple times a year and lived a couple minutes from him. He wasn't a bad dad- I was over fourteen and played the you can't make me game and was a little jerk.

A dad can be there every day and be awful and he can parent great from across the country.

And as I get older I see available guys have kids and Exs and I am glad I don't have to worry about it! Just find one without a crazy ex! If everyone gets along your good. Living on opposite sides of the country your really good lol!

Miakoda · Aug 7, 2012

I began dating a total hunk of a nice guy in college. He really was the ultimate package, and honestly, I kinda thought he was a bit out of my range if you get my drift.

Anyway, after talking and hanging out for 4 weeks, he came out to one of my soccer games with the cutest little 6-yr-old girl. After the game, I went to talk to him, and I just said (without thinking), "Oh...is this your niece? Hi. My name is...". He then dropped it on me that she was his daughter.

I was schocked. I wasn't shocked he had a daughter. I wasn't mad he had a daughter. I was shocked that in 4 weeks of seeing each other and talking every. single. day., he never felt he could mention her to me.

We ended up parting ways a couple months later (he was finishing up his schooling, I was just a freshman in college), but I never got over the hurt. One thing he learned, though, is that he doesn't have to bring his daughter into a relationship right away (I totally get protecting them), but he should disclose it some time within the first 30 minutes of the initial conversation.

ETA: "My" guy didn't do it with ill intentions. He wanted to protect her, especially since her mom left when she was 1 and had never been back (and never has to this day), so he was a single dad. He had also been in situations where girls just immediately turned off as soon as he mentioned his daughter. While he understood their not wanting to take on a child at that time (in a sense), he was also hurt by women not even giving him a chance.

If I had been further along in my schooling, we probably would've stayed together.

Miakoda · Aug 7, 2012

To the OP, if children are not what you want, my suggestion is to peacefully get out of the relationship. You don't ever want to be in a situation where resentment can come into play because you feel as if you had been forced to accept something you never really wanted in the first place. Be fair to yourself, but be fair to this guy as well.

JessLough · Aug 7, 2012

Dizzy said:

Well, a month has 30 or 31 days (not counting February), and half of that is 15. So that's 46/47 days. Which is actually 6 weeks 3/4 days, if we want to be technical like that

Point is, most people I know say 1/2 month for everything from like a week after a month to just before, so unless she is sitting there and counting to the day, 1 1/2 months doesn't necessarily mean 6 weeks. (not that it means 6 weeks really, anyway, as per above)

M&M's Mommy · Aug 7, 2012

sparks19 said:

I agree with the above statement. To me, however long it took for him to mention that he had kids is not as important as the fact that he does indeed have them. Not revealing this important info immediately doesn't necessarily mean he's lying, have ill intentions or plans to hide it from you. You can't fault someone for not laying out his entire life story in front of you until he feels a bit more secure into the relationship. He might have just waited for the right moment to tell you.. Now, the important thing is how you're going to response to it.

Kilter · Aug 7, 2012

I would be concerned with why the kids didn't come up sooner. Regardless of if it meant you'd walk away, it's PART OF HIS LIFE. If he doesn't care about them enough to bring them up to make sure it's ok with someone he's dating, then it's concerning - either he doesn't care about them or he doesn't care enough about other people (YOU) to be honest.

Aside from that you aren't dating just him, you're dating him, his kids and his ex. Think about how that'll work, you'd have to figure out a way to work with the ex ideally and deal with the kids as a stepmom, and how that would work, if your parenting styles will work, if you'd have a say or if it'd be just him dealing with the kids and so on. It can get messy fast! I know several people who almost got to divorce over the stepkids. In one case it did lead to that. Nice guy but shame about the kids!

If you have kids with him, you'd need to decide and agree on all the details of how his kids are treated vs your kids and so on (the current kids along with the future kids).

And be willing if it comes to it to relocate closer to his kids. That would be a possibility too, and if you said no you'd be the bad guy. More or less anything that wasn't in favor of his kids.... you get the idea.

You'd also want to be able to talk to the ex alone at some point and get her side of things. It may not be what you've been told.

True story, my brother fathered a kid, after his son was born his gf at the time found out he had a huge gambling issue and they had no savings. She kicked him out. He wasn't consistant with visiting or child support, took his son into houses with smokers (kid has asthma), didn't do a lot of things right, and more or less quit visiting etc.... He told the next gf that the old one flipped out and wouldn't let him see his son, boo hoo...... even my parents told her that. She soon figured out after they had a child that he has a gambling issue and kicked him out. Now he doesn't pay for either kid OR see either kid.

Just be careful and don't go into it with rose coloured glasses....

Dating someone with kids...

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