Ever had a moment where you just sit and think to yourself, "This is the way it's supposed to be." - as if every choice, every rough patch, every internal debate over what is RIGHT and what was GOOD finally paid off and you know, without a doubt, you discovered what you were supposed to be doing all this time?
I married Jin because I thought I loved him. I also married him because he was my "knight in shining armor", and he promised to get me out of the hellhole of my mother's house. After two years, I divorced him because he was tearing me down, emotionally, mentally, physically. I loved him, don't wish him any harm, hopes he finds what he is looking for and I share part of the blame in our ruin. We were young, we didn't come from any background that let us know what we were doing was wrong, that people who love each other don't fight like that. But damage done, I got out.
Landed on my ass, because he took everything he could. Moved in with BeAu and Rhio, they were my rocks in some serious sea of ****. Mr. Jager came to visit one night, we all woke up in the same bed and Rhio calls out a, "You're the other girlfriend now." I didn't have anywhere else to go. I loved Rhio for years. I went with the flow. BeAu and I bonded well enough, and eventually sorted out our issues with each other and grew close. He did what he was supposed to do, treat us equally. Rhio used me as a blow up doll in a french maid outfit for months to make herself seem more interesting to her boyfriend. I gave her everything I had. Cleaned for her, did her make up, her hair, helped her son with his homework, eased tensions when her and BeAu fought, gave her someone to lean on and did everything she asked of me. "I want sex/attention with BeAu", so I backed off. "I want another kid", so I was super excited, loved the idea, explored options and sat with her for hours fantasizing. I helped her plan her wedding, because I wanted her happy. She used me, lied to me, led me on for months, never showed me any REAL love or interest before - finally - I let it go and she confessed she didn't love me "that way". She was done with me and wanted to kick me to the curb. BeAu didn't agree. So we ended up trying to make it work. Rhio broke up with BeAu, tried to kick us both out. It was a perfect excuse, she had been trying to break up with him for the past year. She caused drama and strife where there was none. Convinced herself, and others, that I was trying to kill her, that I "stole" her fiance, that I would turn her son against her, that I was a homewrecking *****, that I was nothing, would never amount to anything, and I deserved everything I got from Jin and my mom. Created stories about him cheating on me with her, just to create issues because she "didn't think I'd actually leave him". She painted the story of her coming to the rescue of an abused housewife, taking her in, then the girl slick steals her man from under her nose. She never mentions that she dated me too, never mentions anything I did for her, how I loved her.
People come up to us and say, "How dare you do that to Jerrod and Rhio?" How dare us do....what? Me asking for a divorce from my abusive husband and after EIGHT MONTHS moving on? Us giving her what she wanted? Dealing with the stalking, the phone calls, the rumors with silence instead of social war? How dare us...be happy, despite all this ridiculousness? How dare we....?
It's sorta silly, looking back on all of it. It's like imagining there's a hornet in your room, but it was just a fly all along. Something mildly annoying, buzzes in your ear every now and then, but you just swat it away and go on with what you were doing. We're happy. If we want it, we just do it. Do what makes you happy, not what makes other people happy.
Besides, Jin is finally giving me the divorce now. :banana:
My brother is actually shipping out first thing after graduation. I'll be able to spend this time with him.
Things happen and I just breathe a sigh of relief that I chose this instead of something else.
Woot. I love my life. And I'm still moving to Colorado. :first:
2013 has been an interesting year. But not a BAD year. It's been a learning year.